Toilet Menace

Most watchmen are usually forced to find alternative means in the event they want to go either for a short call or a long call of nature. In most residences that have watchmen, most of the time, there is usually no cloakroom where the sentry will go relieve himself when the urge arises. As such most of them find alternative means in the event the household has no provision for such an amenity.

This got me thinking, where do the watchmen go to, or is it that they just find a place worthy of doing it and alas, they are good to go. Statistics show that approximately 15% of households in Kenya don’t have proper human waste disposal amenities while 84% of the Kenyan households use adequate human waste disposal facilities. I am yet to ask a ‘soldier’ where they go in the event the call of nature catches up with them and they are not allowed to enter the house especially at night.

The rural areas in the country are places where most people have not yet adopted the culture of building toilets. Many a times most people go to the bushes in order to make that requisite call of nature either due to cultural practices or lack of the facilities altogether.

Thank goodness, most of the households in our rural areas have pit latrines. Though the use of Toilet paper is not widespread, efforts are underway to ensure most of the households have access to it as a measure of contributing towards proper sanitation and hygiene.

Awhile back, there were very few households with latrines in our rural areas. I remember one of my grandfathers had constructed one mainly because he was a primary school headmaster and hence had set standards when it came to maters sanitation. His latrine was however locked most of the time since it was a facility that was limited to family members. He had built two of them and a bathroom where his family would go and shower. The essence of locking the toilets was to prevent public use which would have contributed to lowering of hygiene of the pit latrines resulting in an army of flies around like a swarm of locust on corn field.

Recently I was in a very remote place where there were no latrines or toilets. Having traveled on the road and partaking of entrails and nyama choma on the way, I had no idea that the food would result in my stomach growling, gurgling and rumbling during the next day producing loud noises that were really debasing. It was serious. I could not tell whether it was indigestion, or excessive gas. This stomach upset started in wee hours of the night. I remember someone telling me to take flagyl to reduce the devastating effects. But at that moment, I was overwhelmed. 

I was having intermittent belching of rotten eggs burps and flatulence that were sporadic and they came after every few minutes. It was distressing. I was sweating profusely as the air around was now foul. I had to do something. If I did not take immediate action, I would have soiled my pants. Normally I usually sleep in my birthday suit, but on this occasion I was too tired and coupled by the fact that it was a new environment, I had just removed my shoes and went straight into slumber land.

I made an exit and went outside where I could be able to relieve myself since the rumblings were becoming too much. Since I never knew where toilets were, I went straight to the nearby bush where I did my thing. It was relieving like I had just finished a 42 kilometre marathon race. In the process of shitting I was also sweating profusely. Goodness gracious as it was such a task that gives the body a new lease of life after an arduous battle. 

But the worst part was when I tried to stand and my legs landed on my poop. Since it was still at night, I remember having a warm effect on my soles since I had gone out without shoes to go relieve myself. I had to rub my soles on the soil just to ensure the smell could not be able start reacting when I had gone back to bed and it resulted in a continuous unpleasant smell.

Just then I had noises that made me run like a coward straight to the room where I was spending the night. In Swahili they say “Ogopa ni Ngao.” That is, fear is a shield. That was my only shield since I never knew whether the noises were from wild animals or strangers who had ill motives.

The next day was the worst part though. Our host had realized that someone had done his thing in his compound and was cursing why a night runner could have decided to attack his homestead when he had visitors in place. As guests we knew it, but the courage to tell our host that I was responsible was what was lacking. You just feign ignorance and move on as if nothing happened.

SITUONANE.