Let me keep it simple

Sunday, 27 January 2019

123 MONEY MATTERS


Sometimes you end up realizing that you have achieved nothing considerable as a writer when the year terminates because you ended up being in love with money. It has been long since I took time to update this blog (I only did 6 post last year). I got entangled in a bittersweet relationship that was kinda toxic. Karma. Yes, I have been on a money quest. I killed my ambition because of money. Then I become a slave. In another world, an employee is a slave whose value is the salary she gets. Once in a money cell, you do as the employer wants, not as you want. Money has no emotions. Well, you can never get enough when it comes to money. It is a merry go round. You make, use it, and then like an addiction, you go where you can easily get it. Because that is where you get satisfaction. Yet you deny that you are not a slave.



In addition, you become convicted in a solitary cell. You feel like pursuing your dreams but, well, money killed your dreams. Therefore, like the average Joe, you resign to fate. Lackadaisical at seeing your vision come true. Then, at the back of your mind, your start nursing the dreams of what you had wanted. Dreams without personal will to see them to the next level is like a train without an engine. They never go anywhere even if you have money. Therefore, to reduce the friction, money becomes the catalyst and chemical in the reaction. Which is not good when it comes to chemistry. I know that does not make sense chemically speaking.



I really miss the good old days when I needed not to worry myself sick about where the next mullahs will come from other than the fact that I needed to be comfortable in my own skin. Those days are long gone. Man must make money. The only difference is, I make money that is not reflected in my lifestyle. When I look at my bank statements, and the way I have to struggle to make the cash to sustain a debt-ridden lifestyle, I thought I needed a break. To restrategize, I have been a money seeker at the expense of being an idea generator. If only I made the money that appears on my statements with ease, I would have quickly been financially secure. I live in a bubble. I am broke but my statements say I am doing well.


A fortnight ago, I read that when it comes to money, more is better than less. True that, to some extent (sic). Therefore, I have been struggling to get more every day. Yet, that is the most devilish idea one can ever engage in. There is one thing that remains; nothing changes even after getting what you want monetarily. Scaling comes with existential problems like broken relationships, pretentious lifestyles, and an assertion of self-confidence. However, we live in an illusory world where we want to be ‘seen’ as doing well because society loves people who have money. Material things with a housefly life. Who does not love money?



Actually, they say, money is the root of all evil. Money is power. Money is sweet. Nevertheless, when it is all said and done, we shall live everything that we worked hard for to those who never did. That does not mean we fail to pursue our monetary goals. Failure is fatal. You end up not having what you want because, well, money has a global language. It attracts and brings fake relationships. Once you get it, it brings out the character that you never wanted to acknowledge. Ati, you are a true exemplification once you get money. Methinks, it still creates false characters. Just a feeling of wanting justification then you return to default settings when you are done with the hullabaloo. Because, at some point you realize, even with the much you thought was a lot, it’s like peanuts to someone who has more and does not display a larger than life personality that the nouveau riche display. Old money is silent in speech but robust in action. It demarcates the difference.



Can I really be thankful of the effort I put in making money and the kind of freedom I have lost? That is food for thought. I will take a break, go look for answers, and write about it. I have itchy palms. Perhaps they are telling me, Omera, I am feeling like I should have been making money now. However, I have let my bundles lapse. I am tired of the hustle. If only I could get someone to employ me to write with a pay cheque that is equal to what I make on my side hustle, I would quickly choose the former. Ain’t people paid to be passionate and do their hearts desires with ease? Yaani, like the way you can be a runner. You love running. And no amount of petty talk breaks your bone. You soldier on, and when you finish a race feeling as if you want to vomit blood, you pick yourself up, ask for glucose and re-energize.



Then like a real hero, you start practicing to be the best. Being the best is as easy as ABC. All you need is practice, the right coaches and finally, the commitment to succeed. When you gear yourself to the race, no amount of drawbacks will let you quit. However, consistency is a virtue that makes one scale faster.



Now about my money quest. I am still worth a mere $5 an hour according to my actual speed on my side hustle. At times, I go down. Other times I mushroom. Yes, I started with kedo $0.5. With time, I scaled it because I learnt from those who knew the tricks of the game. Maybe, one day, I will learn from buggers who know how to make money online writing first hand content that has been stolen from minds of others because an artist should be a thief. Content plagiarism is permissible in artistry because, it is not academic where you need citation and gikmakamago.



Perhaps the best thing out of money persuasion is financial independence. One day, when I will be financially independent, that is, when I am not obliged to take a mobi-loan that charges me for being a bad financial manager, I will look back and say, ‘Here is that guy who made it through the ups and downs of bad financial decisions’. 



Here is a brief twist. When I got a job that I almost love, I thought it was what I needed while in reality it cannot sustain my love for being a spendthrift. I am a reformed economist not a miser. Apparently, one of the best things in life is to have your own money that you can spend with ease knowing no one is on your sleeves or funds your spending. Overall, money does not give the entire fulfillment one desires. It only gives a spur of the moment thing. Yet having it is still good for a person’s ego and status in society. It makes us go to great strides in search of it. Finally yet importantly, it determines our place in society. The echelons we have created are because of everything to do with money. When you have it, you definitely have authority over another. So strive to make it in abundance. The repertoire you get if you have money is different from things like academic scholarship because none ever notices that. However, when you have mullahs, even if you adorn like a commoner, your relationship manager at the bank will treat you with utmost respect as opposed to that guy in a suit who does not have kakitu in his account.



Back to basics, during one unofficial banter at work, we decided to display our financial muscles via money we received in our Mpesa accounts. I met a guy who showed me that he had received over 80,000 in a certain month when I was operating with less than 50k. I got irked, because I thought I was on a higher pedestal because well, I mean, who does not want to be seen as having more money. So, I took up the mantle of making money each day. And with that, I forgot that I had exams to prepare for, I failed to nail that exam. I had to prove my worth to match this guy. So, even though I am broke like a church mouse, My Mpesa statistics show that I handled 1 million when in reality, I probably made less than 500k. Hence, other than my 8-4 job, I also had a ka side hustle that could give me at least 1k per day if I was very persistent. Nevertheless, I came to realize that it is not that easy to multitask on two jobs at once. 


You end up having to sacrifice something that you really loved due to exhaution. Like writing, monitoring the stock market on a daily basis, reading blogs that invigorate the mind into being volatile and updated, and generally living the life you thought would materialize before hitting the third floor. Here I am almost hitting it and I can well say that I have lost so much yet gained so little in my aspiration. That is why I usually say, Bora Uhai or Pambana na Hali Yako


Like life is never a straight path, plus it’s never that serious. You finish school (I mean undergrad), realize you love writing, then you start doing that dem thing and five years down the line, you have not yet broke even as a pen pusher. You are still making headwinds thinking one day things will work out. But, you are also very secretive and kind of a recluse while most people think you have a bubbly personality that is robust and easy going. Because you love making jokes, and laughing out loud. You do it because you feel like engaging in an intellectual discourse is boring and makes you look like a geek sorry a jerk. 


Then someone tells you that we do not need to Google stuff because it has been written by a guy like you and I. Hitherto, you had trusted google as the number correct platform until this guy brainwashes you into believing that everyone has an opinion. And when that case is closed, you start discussing about ladies with big booties (Vera and Corazon) and those that are really beautiful at work. All men discuss about ladies irrespective of race, age and status. Unless the dude is of the homosexuality. Well, you end up talking to a couple of those sexy ladies who guys call slay queens, the big booty ones, the light skins, the melanin damsels with shiny skins who are beautiful a guy tells you are on point if know those beautiful ladies because they look like guzzlers. 


Mind you, you have a meagre income. But you see them as colleagues who you never have a thing for because, well you got hooked to this lady who ended up going mute and then you felt like, well let me give this ladies thing a break. Lakini, I know that, when it comes to ladies, one trick that works is to have a nice rapport with other ladies even if they are not very pretty, that way you will easily have your way with a pretty lady even if huwezi muingiza box. Then there are those you realize have something queer they want from you. Damn, there is this chic who stalked me and because she was beautiful, I could not go telling guys that I noticed her following me at work during five different occasions. She left before I could tell her, “Ile siku, ukiwa umevaa mini ukakaa mbele yangu.” Any sane guy can relate unless you have switched off those ginene especially when she has pretty yellow thayos.   



I am a zealot when it comes to spending money especially when it regards pleasing the opposite sex. Yes, we must acknowledge our weakness sometimes. But ideally, I don’t spend much on ladies though. I spent most of my money paying debt to Tala, Branch, Mshwari, Timiza and KCB Mpesa. Actually, there was only one lady that made me spend on her. It was this bartender that even offered me free sex but, I guess am not the randy type of guy who easily gets bamboozled into engaging in the devil’s dance with just anyone. In addition, I have come to hate free things. So, I am officially single in 2019. And that folks, is my money story. It is shallow and less precise. Well, I had intended to put it on my blog more than three months ago but, things happened and you know what, I am updating it now. 



Hasta la vista, baby.
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Saturday, 21 July 2018

A Clear Vision

A Clear Vision

Spock and McCoy, my two lovely children reawakened my hitherto torpid state. Men, guess am still weather beaten (nimechapa) and bereft when it comes to ideation.  Let me now try to take on the water regarding my capsizing boat and steer it to safety before it sinks deeper in the event it ends up being buffeted by powerful winds that may make me unable to steer the boat to safety. Mine is a duck boat that navigates both waters and land.

The conditions I am in have deteriorated rapidly. I wish I had the will power to lever the situation that is looking bleak for the myopic mind. The genesis was a quest that has led to total neglect of McCoy. And now he is all naughty, grumpy and attention seeking. He wants his share of parental love now that I am out of the woods.

It has been more than quarter a year ever since I went for sabbatical. Now I am back but looks like I have lost the sheen and impetus to write again. I need time off, to go and process a lot that is in my mind. I need a sanctuary like aura. Quiet and ethereal. But most of all, it’s time to reflect about the future. To meditate and chart the way forward. Probably about destiny and but most of all, rejuvenating the severed creativity.

It’s called starting the journey again. The sojourn was quite good, no pressure that pierces. It reminds me of a certain pretty lady I met who wowed me but because I don’t like commitment and breaking people’s hearts, I ducked to safety. Ladies can be pursuant. Like this bartender who is into me and I think I am not that interested. I don’t know the best way to tell her that I don’t want this to end badly so I am subtly killing communication and that’s it. She will notice and won’t push it any further. She is hot, and I am one guy who my friend calls a defender. He said he is a striker. Perhaps, that’s the reason why he is not a keeper.

For once, I had the guts to tell a certain babe who only calls me when in financial distress that I could not lend her the money she wanted. It was such a paltry figure I wondered why she was even requesting it. Well, I had the money, but I don’t want her to be obsessed with the idea that I am only a money lending machine as opposed to our platonic friend given that I don’t expect anything in return as she does not shoulder my emotional debris. It’s just a friend thing and nothing much. Plus, I hate to say this, If I give your money, petty cash, not more than 5k and you don’t return it. Trust you me, I will not bother asking you for it because I can work my ass out and make that money. What I don’t expect is that you will have the nerves to borrow again. My friend, hapo ndio mi hukutoka na kukuzidi. I aint your papa. Once is just enough. And If you don’t return the cash the better because I am not Branch or Tala or Mshwari.

I still want a thing with the bartender though. I want her to tell me the wild things she has seen in the line of duty and the good times when patrons have treated her so well. Those moment s when she does not feel like working or taking orders, but she still gets the urge because she has bills to pay. The times when she pockets easily surcharges those highly inebriated and those who hit on her and she doesn’t feel their vibes, but they still try hard because men are macho and give up when they realize it’s time to go home.

About McCoy, I think I have even forgotten how to visualize good graphics and elucidate the image into fustian and flowery words that seal the message once and for all. I wish I could just give up this whole writing thing all together. But, like a coke addict, I cannot. It will take a rehab to restore the factory settings into the previous unadulterated state. Which is practically impossible given I am a student? More so like a child with a parent. Only that this child will be with me till the end of time when I cannot be able to breathe anymore.

Does death ever ring a bell? It never, it just happens and even those with divine grip on matters spiritual fear the most. We all want to live, like forever, but it’s practically impossible. Because you never know what tomorrow holds or has in store for you. After all, we are only guaranteed today. There is never a tomorrow. Because if tomorrow ever comes, I will be a hero of the latter-day saints. Since am not, allow me to stick to my lane. And that is being who I am because I love being me. The laid-back scribe who fears the unknown of the unknown.

Looks like I am slowly gaining my groove back. But it will take time to reawaken the fallen giant. To get to that level where I was before. Where things were in a steady state equilibrium. Say, I want my mean reverting level when it comes to the whole concept of blogging. Good that I have accepted that I am in bad health and need assistance to go about this whole journey of rebuilding my solid state. But I have not liquefied totally given that it has been cold for some time now. Oh, just a thought. Perhaps I may find a new home for my blog. I plan to do it in the next one year when all systems are ready and Inshallah, if I can successfully ensure Spock has graduated to a fine environment where he will not have to be bothered by the demands of his persuasions.

Hasta La Vista Baby.

[Picture Source: Deviant Art]
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Thursday, 1 March 2018

HOPE

Hope

Against all odds.

Two seasoned colleagues were having some silly banter and I was listening to them in autopilot mode almost chocking with laughter while they were discussing about 'us'. Apparently, we were the latest guys to head hunted for some serious job and we were as such newbies in this out of the world corporation by Kenyan standards. We had to pass like 6 assessments to land this job and that is why we are what we call an elite group of employees. Actually, we are basically machines that reproduce what is already in black and white for analytical purposes by experienced analysts. Someone should teach us programming so that we can be analysts instead of digital transcribers. Even our employer knows that we are wired to work that way and since man must earn, we must get a life by constantly working like all those who make this world a better ( red bitter) place. The little you get is better than nothing at the end of the day. Mbona ukae idle kama kuna kazi hata kama ni peanuts unapewa. Is that not an adage for those who have been looking for gainful employment but can’t find when they find one?


Allow me to allude about a campus graduate I was having a conversation with, she was a girl I knew from my time as a student but she recently graduated. She was like, is the money we are supposed to be earning only enough for transport and rent. Nothing like entertainment or something. In my heart, I remembered how I had ambitions of earning a six figure salary when I had finished high school. Now, I am at the base of that pyramid of life working towards attaining self actualization in the later years of my life. I should have told her that you need to start from a certain point where you cannot be shaken when things go haywire. Obviously, that was an afterthought.


So, this two jamaas were literally talking behind my back and I could hear what they were saying. Let’s call the first dude Simba, and the second dude Picha.

Simba goes, “Kwa hawa watu wapya, ni mtu mgani unaona anakaa daktari daktari hivi, ule jamaa serious kuruka. Anadunga job ni kama hio tu ndio alikujia hapa?” 

My instincts were telling me that they were referring to me because I was seated alone away from guys we had been recruited with because the previous day, they told me they could not concentrate as I was breaking their ribs with constant punches of real anecdotes they thought were probably fabricated or something. I remember a colleague just laughing every other time I said something silly. Like I was telling them that sometimes a stray bullet by the boys in blue may hit you and instead of your family being aggrieved, you end up paying the police for the ammunition they used on you. God forbid, if you die, you end up being a state body before your copse is transferred to a morgue of your family's choice. It is something I saw with a relative who kissed the bullet here in Nairobi for abetting crime. Police were compensated when he was gunned down even though this was a case of mistaken identity. In the end, you sometimes end up saying, 'Ni mapenzi yake Jalali'. But deep down, you hurt and feel like 'shot to kill orders' should be applied to thugs fleeing in a getaway vehicle, not unarmed individuals like this guy who was gunned down even if he was in what police say was attempted robbery.

Another colleague even referred to me as a Mathare case. I had to take cover. I have since moved and love my new home. Away from making guys think I am a court jester. And ever since I moved from them, I have been having success with my earnings. Guess, sometimes we have to hive ourselves off when the going gets tough. Just for a few.


You see, I like making fun sometimes, like, when I am not being serious, I can really get petty and raunchy, and dirty. I think it’s a guy thing to be dirty dirty.


“Kwa hawa watu wako kwa hii room, unaona mseee mgani anakaa mwalimu. Hata si mwalimu tu, mode wa kitu kama CRE CRE hivi, unajua tu hao wasee. Hawakai kuwa na haraka na Maisha, wako tu.” Simba was telling Picha.

Picha then retorts back, “Unaona tule tudem tumekaa pale.” I think he was pointing them using his mouth or his eyes were darting in that direction in response to Simba’s question, "Hao ndio pefectet definition ya mode wa CRE, kwanza wale wa primary school hujifanya kuokoka na hakuna kitu wanajua. Wanashindda tu kuwaaambia story zile hakuna."

Damn, I was almost breaking into a wild one and because I was also sweating (the result of a held laugh), I decided to go to the loo to get sane again. Luckily, there is always water and tissue papers in plenty, you wash your face and wipe them wish tissue when things are hot under the visage. How else do you expect me to contain the simmering laughter when they were talking crass like class three pupils who had just seen two newcomers in their class? Kwani, men can be this petty, malingering behind someones back like wale mamathe wa ploti


I guess I looked more focused than I should have been. Perhaps, they should have found me during one of my theatrical days, combining fake and wild ideophones with gestures while speaking. When I am free and willing to let loose those thoughts that I harbor in my medulla oblongata flow, I can really get nasty. Never mind my non-biological use of that organ inside our head, guess I thought it refers to the cortex(memory organ) in the brain.


I think there is only one thing one must never lose in this world and that is hope for something good or a better tomorrow. We thus need motivation for the same. Constant motivation daily makes us forget our woes even when we are so much burdened and having a hard life. A life that only you know about, unless you let it be known to others who want to know the same about. The struggles we have to endure, the patience we have to stomach, the downfalls and pitfalls that make us strong, the victories that we conquer and are behind us, and always keeping hope alive. Because once you are hopeful, even the world will realize that you need something and it will slowly come to you.


We all have hope. At some point in life, I was hopeless, I was having those moments that I thought would last longer than they should. I was low and downcast. But when I look back, I should have not let those instances take the better of me. They should have been a lesson that I learn from. I am still on a learning pedestal. The only difference with ages ago is that I am more seasoned in the game than ever before.


What is there to hope for in life? Yes, the first thing is to be able to see tomorrow that never comes. Another thing is that when you see it, you will have money to spend after satiating your basic needs. We hope we will find it in abundance that we cannot spend all at once. Yet, we are never getting enough of it. It’s not a coincidence that those who get money are those who don’t have money problems. They are wealthy guys who want to maintain the status quo and keep their dynasty steadfast.


I sometimes hate money. Not the spending part though, I hate the part where it is the root of all our problems. I wish I could not have to work for the money bit. I wish I worked for personal fulfillment through meaningful work that is more geared towards bettering humanity and less of having capitalistic tenets. But we are in a world where money matters, I robustly admire moneyed guys, they make me want to be like them, yet I always tell myself, just be patient, things will look up and you will get it when the right time comes. It's a notion that I have to really disengage from like yesterday. Guess that is the reason why I am never in a hurry. Unlucky me. Tomorrow I will be a lucky guy, Inshallah.


Hasta La Vista Baby


[Photo Source: Pixabay]
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Friday, 23 February 2018

DILEMMA

Dilemma

Sometimes we get offers that make us think twice. There are those that you don’t even have to mull over. They come and you make up your decision straight up and you are taking them with no brouhaha. It’s simple, something good that you have weighed all the options should be devoured with alacrity. It is normally like a euphoria. You find yourself wanting it at the spur of the moment more than any other thing. Normally, for a guy of my ilk, excitement can only be triggered by, say, I get a good job. Or, if my current weekly wage that is normally hourly snowballs and remains at a high rate for a while.



What I have come to realize is that when it comes to money, we can do anything just to get it. I am not an exception. Yes, there are limits in my pursuit. But, I know of guys who will sacrifice a lot just to see to it that they have mullah. And those mullahs are what causes us to have sleepless nights. I know most guys who are not employed but still have money. Me, am an egalitarian. Funny thing is that, the probability of finding a person without a job with money sometimes is high compared to a person with a job. A proletariat lifestyle is only good as far as the payday is concerned, past that, you are back to square one. Chasing papers. Chances are, if you borrow money from me ‘kati kati ya mwezi’, I will advise you to sort yourself with the many credit lending apps and platforms that are proliferating by the day. We Kenyans have a problem with our finances. That is why lending apps the likes of Branch, Saidia, Mshwari or Tala are making a kill out of our money neediness that keeps on ballooning.


So many have been blacklisted courtesy of credit lending apps and they still survive. What with the protracted process of getting a loan in a bank being so lengthy and having so many conditions. Can’t pay won’t pay mentality is real. Add the fact that we are just those guys, eeh! Unless there is a check-off system whereby money is deducted before getting into our hands, we will be reminded of our dues but we shall not act on it. Kesi baadaye is our slogan.


Sometimes back while in a mat, there were two guys seated on my right discussing about a friend who is an addict of soft loans. Raise your hands if you have never borrowed a loan.

Unaona huyo boy (guess they were referring to their buddy), ye huchukua loan kutoka Branch kulipia loan ya Mshwari ama KCB-Mpesa.”  One of the boys with a loud voice was saying.


Kwani ye hulipa aje na vile kuna interest na hana jobo?” the other boy asked.


Maze, do iupatikana. Unajua huyu msee pia hucheza Sportpesa. So akiwai labda thao chwani hivi, ye hulipa hio do alichukua then anachukua ingine. Na unajuaa, kwa Branch anaqualify for 15 K.”


“Lakini hio doo huokelea matimes. Si nikatengeneza profile ka hio naweza furahi sana buda”


Then the guys switched to talking about the purchase of a domain names or the probability of buying a small server because one of them wanted a running website to showcase his DJeeing and other stuff. He intimated how he had missed getting 50K because of not being in touch with his cousin who had a wedding and hired an ‘outsider’ to offer entertainment services which he could have cashed on.


Their conversation really affected me.  I am one of those guys who actually practice what their friend who pays a loan with another loan. There was a time KCB Mpesa was proliferating the idea and it has finally gained root in my system. ‘Yenyewe, sisi majamaa wa peni mbili husumbuliwa sana na hizi pesa nane.


I hope I will be able to escape from this handcuff of servitude. They are becoming too much. Just the other day, I was telling myself that when you are broke, someone somewhere is wishing he could lend money whose present value he is assured of. Like he lends you 20k and you return it with an interest of 5k. Shylocking. But that is the easier part.



I remember writing about a friend I was a guarantor to and he refused to meet his end of the bargain after being given money. He went chini ya waba and the lenders had to look for me. Collecting receivables by lenders is really a headache. Especially when it comes to money. That is why financial institutions have come up with debt collection department. Some of those debt collectors end up being crass as opposed to being courteous when dealing with defaulters because their job safety depends on it.


I think, getting money from lenders is much more better than getting it from friends or relatives who can disappoint more than often. Plus, they can be gibbery how you always like getting money from them but you never repay.


Not that I am against borrowing money from friends or relatives, but from my school of thought, I find it awkward unless you don’t know the existence of Tala, Branch, Mshwari, your bank or chama (they come in handy on a rainy day if a plunderer does not swindle away with the cash). Another scenario is if you are burdened after exhausting all the platforms you had hoped you would use to get a loan when an emergency arises.



A lot about credit. I am thinking of how I will start a new life after kujizoesha kuwa a night shift bugger because I normally work at night. I am being offered a day job and am like, "Jeez, will this work out for me, is the risk and returns worth it. Or should I just forget about my current status quo and take up the offer?"



What a big decision I must make because when I juxtapose what I make at the end of the day, it is the same or more than what I will be given. The comforting prospect is that there is hope of a promotion and interacting with guys to get their perspective. Which is important as I may end up getting a wild thought to gyrate my blog.


Hasta La Vista Baby.


[Picture Source: My Own]
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Thursday, 15 February 2018

LAZY TO TADS

Lazy To Bits


At the close of yesteryear, I was having exuberant charm to script. I would wake up in the morning and write three to five pages. I would write random thoughts about the babes in my life, the struggles, the victories, the transgressions, the people who mattered and those who peeved me I felt like kicking them in the butt. Then things happened and now all I do is wish I could get the synergy to rejuvenate my hitherto erstwhile proclivity for penning at least a story. Even just one for the sake of my skills and need to be up to par. Guess this is the price one must pay for seeking an education and only working in a reclusive aura that cares nothing about you other than the income you make while working.


This endemic laziness is systemic. It’s not normal per se. It began at the birth of the new year and it is now that I am starting to recover. I have a feeling it is self-induced rather than influenced by outside forces. Normally, I spend most of the time alone. As such, am finding it hard to concentrate for long hours on that which I should be obliged to accomplish. Am becoming a serial procrastinator who does not want to meet his own end of the bargain. Look at me now, I am even struggling to make sense of words for this new-found laziness that I don’t know emanated from where. It’s pricking and galling. I want to disentangle but the wit and stamina to accentuate the obligation keeps shirking, I am left in a state of incertitude. A state of paralysis caused by paranoia, perhaps. Where do I fall in this equation of unknown? How do I find X? The famous X in algebra.


As such, I want to be who I am. Yet when I try, I wish I was free. Free from the bondage that is self-inflicted, that consistently make me less of the person that I wish I should have been. Again, age is also catching up and there is the consistent challenge that I need to take myself to the next level. I am yet to discern where that level should be.


I kind of wish I was not a sloth. Well, realistically I am not one but I can be one literally. It’s a wish that I have all power at my sleeves to reign over. Wish it was that easier said than done, beggars would be seasoned equestrians. Maybe I should put caveats on my cuffs and with them, I also ensure that I have control measures counteracting what if events. Modeled though rational and unmatched self-control through Monte Carlo simulation, sensitivity and scenario analysis that is devoid of cognitive errors ensuring I am not averse to regrets. Yes, that’s the only way of getting out of this quagmire.


I think my inconsistency is causing my creativity to be banal. Like, I am trying hard to have picturesque notions that I have experienced but that is all in vain. Deja vu. Nothing is coming up in my mind that excites. Reminds me of the ‘Lazy Song’ by Bruno Mars. But I want to tell myself, ‘I am not lazy’ like 100 times just to reaffirm my now philosophy that each day I wake up, I have to see to it that I conquer something that hitherto was a challenge.


Yes, I think I should face challenges with the swagger of a lion, even amid lows, it still studiously goes for the prey with valour. I think laziness has everything to do with courage and mental disposition. What else can I intimate it to. Like, I watched a clip of a miniature horse by Ozzy Man. Well, this guy is the modern age narrator who tickles my fancy with his unbridled f bombs that are well ‘dictioned’ in his video reviews. The guy uses “flashing titties, destination fucked, massive spready, new position, lick the juice from the crack, proud to be a soft cock” and a hell lotta obscenities that require a durty durty mind to cipher. Apparently, that miniature horse was having a hard time jumping from the stable because it kept on having misconceived notions that it was supposed to jump to a very distant place. When it finally jumped from the stable down to the ground, Ozzy was like “Boom shakalaka, majestic as fuck” with a final “Ha-ha”. I also felt that moment and it was so emotional I felt like it was giving me goosebumps.


The way that miniature horse was raising its hind legs as if to say, “Ahoy, I have done it, I have made it” made me feel like yes, I can also do it and write something even if it as nonsensical as it is. Now I feel like I am slowly getting over the writer’s block and getting my groove back. I am thinking, will this last. Maybe yes. Yes, because I am obliged to do it rather than it being discretionary. ‘Lakini Haisulu!’, that is exactly what I tell myself when I have absconded my civil duty to update my blog or write conjured random thoughts that normally naturally pop up when I sit down to ruminate subconsciously while writing, which don’t last more than thirty minutes. Also, I am not working out anymore, neither am I sticking to dogmatic rigmaroles. It's a free world "dick heads". 


Investigating deeply, I have realized that it is probably work that has contributed to my lethargy. It can be exhausting and demanding. The result is that I sometimes have both mental exhaustion and my body becomes so weary at times, I feel like I should have relieved myself from these drudgery and dreary responsibilities that burden me but I am obliged to do them. Which I do religiously.


What I don’t fear is waking up in the morning. I still am a morning person and even though I don’t enjoy the scenery of dawn, I love the fact that I am awake most times in time to perform my duty of building the nation. Which I will continue doing in various facets that I can achieve while I still have the stamina to do so.


At day’s close, there is hope at the end of the tunnel. That things will go well and change is coming. I will be a victor once again, I will conquer my fears and with that, I will conquer the world.


Hasta La Vista Baby.


[Picture Source: Pixabay]
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Wednesday, 31 January 2018

THE BACHELOR STRUGGLES

The Bachelor Struggles


Sometimes it’s a struggle being a bachelor. You are supposed to be married at your age or at worse having a reliable girlfriend who you are going to tie the knot with but you still are single. Yet, there is a lady you are in platonic relationship with who you catch feeling when she does not pick your phone calls or reply to your messages. Deep down, you feel like you should have settled down with a lady. Someone who loves you to bits that once in a while when you mess up, say those Jezebels happen which they will at some point in time, she will forgive and say that things happened. But, on your part, you will have to make drastic changes. Like, no conversations with girls anyhow, no two way step verification she does not know. It hence means that your phone should be at her arms reach, and other abnormal traits or deeds you are required to observe.


Yeah, ladies can make us run mad. They know our soft spot and they use it to deny us what we should be getting. At that point, mwanaume unatuliza mbokoyoyo. Matters that weakenwe men are so emotional more than we can handle. That is why a man who loved her wife so much follows quicker than you know it, God forbid, in the event the wife dies. We men love with all our heart. We may deny it but at the end of the day, we are like slaves to our women, especially if we have the one who controls everything in us. Once you find that belle, let her not know that you are like a ball she can bounce. If you let her know and she realizes that you are a giver, she will run your tap empty.


Thank goodness, I am a single guy. However, that does not mean that out there their is no woman I have not been eyeing to be mine. Obviously, there is that single babe I often wish I could settle down with, then focus on things like career and making money and a name. Though it may not be abundant, that I will make something satisfactory is better in the short term. Lakini, the good thing is that I have this lady I can tell about my struggles, my happiness, my lows and even hemorrhage some emotional stuff on her knowing full well that when I go back she will accept me. That lady keeps me going. Yet we are in a platonic relationship. Sometimes I wish I could have married her, but I still like the position she holds of a friend. At least, I can still mess around kidogo when opportunity presents itself without much ado. 


Therefore, I sometimes wish she got a nice, handsome, tall, dark and faithful guy. The kind of guy who will be by her side during the times when she is struggling. The kind of guy who accepts her and recognizes that I was first in her life before him and therefore I also need my space with my amour. Oh, before they officially start dating, she should introduce him to me and tell him where I belong. Lakini, when she is officially gone, I will have to accept the reality and move on like a gentleman and give them space. Even me, I would not like a guy who has some control and reign over my woman. I am jealous like Sir God up in heaven. If it is me, it has to be me. When we share, I am not part of the equation.


Living alone as a bachelor has some challenges in as much as it can be addictive. You are not answerable to anyone. You just feel free and like a bird you roam hoping you will find Mrs. Right. If things go right, perhaps you get a job. The problem with being a middleclass burger is that you set the standards of the jobs and income you want before you settle down. The problem is that you end up wasting time and money in the quest for what you want. You come to realize later that time and tide waits for no man. 


There are those times as a bachelor you get so broke, there was a time a friend told me he got so broke that he could not afford a sheath for some wild romp because, for real, who wants a baby he cannot take care of and the way babies are expensive and so involving. You have to forget about sleep until such a time when they are good to go. Again, with the average girl having like I don't know how many beaus, ukiongea na ka sponyo, unless you have domesticated her, and she does not let the cat out of the bag, contraceptives are a must.


Yes, settling down for a bachelor is hard, especially a guy who graduated from uni. The girls who are after you are really so many especially if you are in stable employment. Sometimes, you sample them to find out who really is loyal. Like there was this chic who sat next to me in a mat saying, 'Aki I was married for the weekend, now I am going to my house and then I will report back to school after kitu four or three days." Yeah, she was in a sleevelesss top, and I was in a fitting polo shirt with short sleeves, so our skin did touch occasionally. She was also having wide hips and they were really causing a scene down south I had to ginene.


You see, having one woman who you don’t live with is good and bad. The bad part is that you may invest all your emotions in her and maybe she is in it waiting for the next big thing. Once she lays her hand on that bugger, she will drop you the way a guy drops a mike and leaves. There is that carefree face of a person who drops a mike. That is the way a girl drops you when she is finished with you. Yani, she does not care hata kidogo. The good thing with one girl is that there is a high likelihood you will get married if you are serious the both of you. So, all in all, it's always good to have your options diversified. Being an investment student, I know that an optimal portfolio is the one that is diversified. Make hay while the sun shines. Brother or sister.


Kenyan men, ati we are not romantic. I recently went to a certain friend of mine who is a lady. Then she started having a conversation with a certain odiero. They were video calling. I don’t want to think about what that jungu normally asks her to do in her digs once she is alone. She told me she does not love company. I know why she does not. That odiero sponsor hates company like all men. Pengine she just wants a guy who is a day scholar. No, a guy who will turn up, service her and she is good to go. This chic lives in a  big house that I wish I was the one living in. I would have by now got so many babes some I would have forgotten their names as a bachelor. But mother nature knows why I still have the energy and that is why I have to spend it before I get the money and once I have it, I will be in that state where I cannot be entertaining so many babes. Luckily for me, I am not a babe’s person. I would only love to have one then the rest as they say is chemistry and history.


About that chic I visited, she told me that there is a way Nigerian man does his thing, they call asking. "Babe are you okay?"  and the frequency and the way they give money and spoil their babes, they just feel loved. Kenyan men on the other hand don’t do that and still want to be treated with the same care as foreigners who know how to romance. Oh, they say no romance without finance. Well, the ladies who are going to get it in their ring fingers are the kind who will be patient for the finance, if you hurriedly go for finance, go to a place where you can’t spend all of it at a go.


Hasta La Vista Baby


[Picture Source: Pixabay]
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Thursday, 18 January 2018

PLANNED DEATH

Planned Death

At some point in life, we shall all die. I only dont know when. And that is the reason why I decided to watch a certain Ted Talk on 'Planning for your death.'


I have not planned for my death because I have not even reached the age I wanted to get hitched. I am thinking that am young and should be enjoying life. Well, by now I should have planned for the next stage after this one. As a christian, I have a tendency to believe I am headed to heaven. Who wants to burn in hell fire.


Since I dont have an estate to be squabbled over, I have never consulted an attorney to write a will. But when I die, probably endowed than I am today, I will have writted a will. So that some unknown administrator will not take a chance to direct how my inheritance will be shared. Yes, I am hopefuly I will one day accumulate wealth and be financially stable.


I have developed a taste of listening to classical music and there is this guy who keeps me updated on a weekly basis through his emails that I have subscribed to. I particularly loved a Ted Talk by Itay Talgram on how to lead like a conductor. You easily learn to love classical music and understand that a conductor is so important that they can detect an off key thrompone which an untrained ear like mine cannot.


Hence it was while watching the damn talk on youtube that I was directed to Ted.com and the first video I watched was about Death. I will not get deep into death details but it is unAfrican to portend about about death. It even gives me cold chills, yikes.


I also saw another Ted Talk on how to get deep sleep and there is this guy who came up with some sounds that make you sleep soundly. The sound is that of waves with a 'swoosh' effect at the end. I tried the sounds on my ka small tablet and jeez, the kind of sleep I experienced was so sleepy I forgot that the alarm even rang.


Hasta La Vista Baby
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Saturday, 30 December 2017

IT'S A WRAP

It's a Wrap

Somewhere along the coastline, I am mulling over what I thought I would accomplish during the year. Looking back, I feel like I did my best and left the rest to outpour or go to the dogs. Now I want to make New Year Resolutions. But first, a glimpse of flashback. Just a petty one.


First, I must be thankful to the Almighty for thus far he has brought me. ‘Nimeuona mimi Mkono wa Bwana, kweli’ (sic). He stood by me and now I can attest that his mercies endure forever. I was beginning to be agnostic, but I can affirm that I am truly religious. The potency of my faith though shriveling, I can only hope it will bloom in the new year as I steady up and begin the year in style.


Obviously, I will start with what never worked. The first ought to be a quest to find a job that is not only pensionable and full-time, but also a job that I am joining and feeling like I am enjoying what I do. The one that I can apply the skills I have learnt over time. Like the first job I had. It was just what I loved but it was not what I wanted to do. The good thing about my current job is flexibility. Though it does not put me in a financially secure position, but all in all, it comes to my aid in many ways.
I am still hoping that some day I will get a job in the investment industry and apply the little knowledge I have learnt. On the contrary, I hate internships. Especially if they go nowhere and I am told to be patient in the job until an opening arises.


Number two has to be getting a girlfriend, something that leads to an engagement and finally marriage. I recently had a chat with a lady friend and she was being told to move in with a dude who was interested in her even without dating and she never loved him. I told her that love grows overtime and it will be a thing of the past if she moves, learns to love and hope that things will work out. Her family was of the view that she moves in with her ‘probably fiancĂ©’ even if she does not love the guy. I concurred with the family then realized that I would hate to move in with a lady just because I love her. At least, taking time to know who you are going to spend the rest of your life with is crucial before someone moves in with a man. You just don’t move in like that. It should be a process, not an event.


Consistency and discipline are issues that I am really struggling to deal with and they come in at number three. I have not been as consistent as I would love in being disciplined. I have been wobbly so much that I am currently not having a plan. My plan was to have completed 21 courses on Financial Modelling, 9 courses on data science and lastly finish reading the content of CFA level Two. You know what, there is no hurry. I am in Africa and a black nigger for that matter. Plans, circumstances, opportunities, strengths and weaknesses change but only God does not change.


Lastly, I have been postponing writing my posts in time for scheduled appearances on my blog. This has been a big battle and it makes me think that I am not a stickler to following routine. I had a time-table I thought I would stick to. I had so many options in my mind I did not know what to do. I have let them to come into fore when they want. After all, I am not a programmed machine to stick to routine. I am very flexible. That is why I have not thought of writing about a certain specific topic for some time now.


About that job thing, sometimes I sit down and wonder if I can get my grove back and get into gainful employment with regard to what I would like to do now. I have experimented a lot. And its high time I started getting serious with life. I have morphed in different ways. Especially when it comes to writing. One day, I will be like guaranteed-age whisky. Crisply matured and with a distinctive style of prose. The kind that is synonymous to yours truly.


On to accomplishments. I have been able to work consistently save for a week when I was revising for exams and the holiday I took in order to refreshen up. Yes, I took time off to go and ponder about life. Celebrate Xmas and travel to new locations. I did not go to the beach though, I just went to the countryside, and went to look for adventure.


I also love the fact that I have developed come craze in writing. I have what I call the morning pages which are random thoughts that have filled a book and I am now on the second one. The bad thing is that the content does not flow, the good thing is that I have written to the best of my ability without referring from anywhere in free flow which takes half an hour everyday. The morning pages have helped in me easily writing more than 2000 words in one sitting straight outta my mind. I had hoped to write in all the weeks this year, but I am not sure that will possible anymore. I erred on countless occassions when I was feeling lethargic. The far that I have reached deserves a full large pizza to celebrate the achievement. I will struggle to finish it wioth a two litre soda.


Another plus has to be developing a saving culture that I started a few years back. Yes, I am a saver, but I also need to be an investor. To invest and reap from the fruits of my labour. I wish I this blog was an investment. It would have been providing me with returns even if small. It is not even a cash cow, it is where I hide. Luckily, I am outdone with why I operate it. Next year will be the fourth consecutive year of updating it on a regular basis. I think past the fifth year, I will enroll it to square it out with other seasoned contestants in a bid to be a known blogger. Whether I get the award or not, that will not be the motivation behind listing it, the real motivation will be getting new readers. Well, there is that aspect of pride in winning but the real one comes from knowing that you have made an impact and made someone laugh, wish they could do something like me or just flipping through the net and they think they need to read something new.


Next year’s resolutions have to be very few. First I plan to move out and go stay on my own in a small room, A quiet place where there is no brouhaha. A sanctuary. Next to a gym with a palatial view of the horizon if lucky. Watching how Americans buy houses has made me believe that you certainly need to have a view when looking for a house. A view is an added aesthetic value that makes a difference when looking for a house.


Another resolution is to complete my financial modelling course. I started it with zeal and excitement. But that has wilted over time and I need to rejuvenate the skills because ‘I don’t know tomorrow’. Perhaps I may be called to an interview and told to model a company’s future cashflows and share price and being this lethargic bugger, I tell the interviewer that I need time when I should have done the thing in less than an hour. What I have to realize is that practice segregates the chaff from the wheat. Modelling requires constant practice and that is the reason why I will look for a way of keeping tabs with this skill. Just for fun even if I don’t get a job. Plus, it will help me forget that I am not employed in the investment industry if I combine it with reading CFA Notes, collecting and analyzing daily data from the NSE and applying for relevant jobs.


The final resolution has to be to be passing with flying colours my repeat exams. I know what went wrong and I will try as much as possible to work on it. Also, I want to be updating the blog on a weekly basis in time. I have earmarked Friday as my day. It will be at 1100 hours. That was the time we normally took our break from the daily hustle of learning.


In the meantime, let me hope that I will also build my own house in shags. Hope that I will get a girlfriend and probably a real child. Forget about Spock and McCoy.


As I imagine that I am at the coast savoring the cool breeze next to the sea, I am wishing that one day it will become a reality.


Hasta La vista baby.


[Picture Source: My own]
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