A CUP OF TEA

Some conversations can sound banal when you overhear if you have no option because you cannot ear muff in a public setting. However, such conversations are usually very material. They are laced with real life situations of past events that may have no meaning in the current dispensation. Yet we have to learn from the past to be able to make meaningful progress. The past forms our heritage and helps in eschewing mistakes that are repetitive.

Over the week, I was in a matatu headed to town to ask for some referral letters my prospective employer wanted from me. Since the matatu did not have hip music with loud speakers and since I could not sleep, I decided to keenly listen to two gentlemen conversing on Moi-Era policies and politics. It was barely a week after finishing Exams when I got a call that I should avail the documents as quickly as possible which was also a God send. Imagine finishing exams then you are due for employment, is than not a blessing?

I have to be very candid. The Kenyan system has prepared us to be job seekers. Even if we wanted to be our own bosses, the lure for easy money while working without much commitment makes us love being employed. Again, fear of the unknown, lack of capital and skills makes us shun venturing into sole proprietorship. So am party to the whole employment ideology. And in that regard, I am also waiting for this employer to act swiftly and judiciously to probably see the urgency that I need a job.

As I intimated, I was in a mathree, two men probably in their late forties or early fifties were conversing and there was one who was seated in front to my right whose voice towered over the Sonitek sounding speakers. They were specifically conversing about how retired president Moi made in a requirement that all civil servants who were on leave were supposed to head back to their rural homes to reduce lethargy in the city. And when they were coming back, they were not supposed to carry cereals that exceeded a certain amount. Since police road blocks were erected on all major towns and centres, your car would be ransacked arbitrarily and the excess retained by the officers or you risked being jailed. I have not yet confirmed the rationale or certainty of the gen but am sure there were health, personal and a variety of other reasons behind the caveat.

The men also talked about how it was mandatory for students in colleges to get the Chief’s approval letter when heading back to campus as a sign that they were not wayward or engaging in acts forbidden by the law whether de jure or de facto. I never knew there would have been a relationship between this employer and the Kanu era policies until I sat down and synthesized my predicaments which are now over. At least this is a consolation given the fact that I am not alone in this struggle.

Anyway, as a matter of fact, one has to conduct due diligence and have a reasonable basis that you are indeed clean before they hire you. That means they have to carry out checks that are sometimes very severe that on the surface look very trivial. In fact, I had never known that getting a recommendation letter can be a hustle. I had to kill some of my ambitions and pursuits to attend to another juggernaut that got me worried so much.

Having contacted my former employer, I thought they had mechanisms in place to issue a recommendation letter. Woe unto me, they had no such structure, again, they barely know formal English. As a result, it was a challenge convincing them to write me a letter to send to my new employer. What was frustrating was the fact that they were directing me to another person whose English was also pathetic. I remember when he wrote some policies for the company, I felt like crying. I wondered why the quest for money had landed me. The statements flouted all grammatical rules and I felt like posting the printout on social media but my senses would not allow me. As a result, I kept it somewhere but it got lost with the course of time. Now, I know why I should at least work with institutions with structures. Workplaces that are devoid of emotions and are run professionally without any stigma. In the end, I contacted my former boss who was of aid and I got served.

Then there was Red Cross. I was required to get a letter from them also. And it goes without doubt that this is one of the most bureaucratic process I had to go through in order to get documentation. A problem arose since I had not been participating in many activities in the recent past due to studies and personal commitments. I needed someone who knew me to act as a referee to assure the final referee that I have a clean sheet. One of the biggest problems I faced was in contacting our youth chair who has a fulltime job and hence is rarely in the Red Cross offices to certify that he knows those who are seeking recommendation letters. There was a time in the process of searching for the document where I got frustrated to the point I felt like, ‘Is this hustle really worth it.’

The first time I called the contact person, he never picked my phone nor replied to my message. But being that person who is usually ignored, I took it that he was just like the others. After another day, I did call and he did pick but I was running out of time. The county manager who was supposed to sign my document was not in the country and not even my life membership certificate aided in making matters better. I envied the government even though it can be very bureaucratic also given that they process documents not by knowing someone but by looking at your records.

It was while looking for this documents that I thought of an employment opportunity that could reduce the red tape of getting a document from our local Red Cross branch. If only they could be able to store information in a database, say Microsoft Access or Excel where retrieval is easier, they could reduce the frustrations people go through. Why do you need two approvals before you are given a recommendation letter? Just by the look of the activities you did can serve as a better representation than relying on a person who knows you. From the activities, reports are generated at the end of the day to find out whether there were any misdemeanors. If there were none, then you are cleared and given you letter based on those grounds, if any adverse information is written and you are mentioned, then your letter is delayed to allow for further scrutiny.

But I loved the explanation they gave as to why they could not write that letter just yet. Given that there was a person who misused the letter after employment by going on ahead and stealing from the organization he was employed in, there was reluctance in issuing those letters. However, sole situations should not be used to incriminate those that are ‘clean’. Even using another person to certify that he knows you does not help much. What helps a lot is records.

I realized that there are no reliable records that are used but only the use of memory by the officer in charge to ratify your documents after asking you few questions which you may cram if given ‘leakage’. Anyway, at the end of the day, I was able to get the document. It has taught me an important lesson. That I need to form a good rapport with those I work with. They can break or make you. Initially, I had taken for granted people knowing me. I loved being mysterious. To remain that person who is seen and when am gone from the situation, they forget about me.

I initially intimated that I will henceforth work with an employer who has got structures. This is because, when I phoned my former boss where I worked as a teacher, he was very formal and straight with regard to handling my issue. He only had to check his files and judiciously make an informed decision when he realized he had forgotten who I was. He did set an appointment date and when I visited, he duly helped.

At this point, I appreciate that formal education to a certain level is very crucial. If you deal with someone without formal education, they may frustrate you for no good reason. Plus, I repeat, storing information in a database is still one of the most important things in life as it eases some time consuming processes.

Anyway.

Away from the frustrations and hectic process of getting letters, I met one of my former campus mates. We met near TUK on some vibandas where I also went for a haircut since my hair was turning out to be unproportioned. He was very bitter as to why he wasted his time in campus. Even me (sic), I usually thought of having wasted time going to campus but not anymore. Like if I had invested the money in a business, I would have been having reliable income if the business picked. He intimated about those days he spent reading in the library and having sleepless nights while in high school and campus. Then someone decides to give him the job of sweeping floors and packing goods awaiting them to be shipped overseas. I wanted to tell him my bit of having sometimes washed toilets, washed clothes for the orphans and other obscene jobs. I washed clothes that you wear gloves to wash because they are laced with urine or faeces. And a variety of other things that you do on a voluntary basis you wonder why you even went to campus. But they aid in reducing lolling. Better still, you have something to do when idle.

At least, in his case, he was being paid. In my case, I was not employed and that was a better way of making use of my time until other projects arose. Plus, there is always mystery of not handling routine work when you volunteer in an organisation like Red cross.

My pal was more irked by the fact that his immediate supervisor was a holder of a certificate and he used to tell him to issue out his CV so that in the event a vacancy did arise, he would be considered. But in his vile thoughts which I insularly consented with, he was of the opinion that upon receipt of the document, the bugger would use it as material for reuse or place it in a paper shredder or worse still, use it to light his jiko.

We talked about a variety of other stuff that was affecting an unemployed graduate. If only there was a way of absorbing this clueless labor force, then, something good would be in the offing for this nation. As a job seeker who now has hopes, I know that I am not alone. Nonetheless, there is this huge monster that has invaded the employment industry called corruption. For example, there are certain institutions where you have to part with a million shillings to be employed paid upfront or in installments. The problem arises with regard in knowing right person to give the money if you have it. Additionally, if your folks are not that liquid, you need to take up what comes your way. Seething with rage will not help. So it all boils down that to a certain extent, the job market has been left to the people who have means. If you are a hohe hahe and you don’t secure a place through graduate recruitment, chances are you will have to wait a little longer because new graduates who are more agile will be considered over you an old graduate. In order to reduce gaps in your resume, you just take up whatever little you are given. They call it starting small. And the Chinese did intimate that the journey of a thousand miles start with a single step.

As for my prospective employer, I have gone through a lot and I am yet to even encounter very frustrating incidences that make me want to give up the quest. Right now, I am uncertain as to whether I will get that job. If you don’t give me that job which has taken me months I even wanted to write you a personal letter asking why it was taking so long, I will appreciate the fact you bequeathed me with some new experience. I know better how to handle myself with regard to getting recommendation letters.

You may deny me that opportunity or grant it if you wish. I did my able best and when you are through with the hard part which made me even want to quit it altogether, you feel a relief that is only innate. When you are struggling and having sleepless nights thinking of how people have authority over your life, you realize that at the end of the day you are no longer a liberal being.

As I await for my two results; exam and employment, I am upbeat that things are never static. When one door closes, another opens and you learn from previous mistakes by taking measures that aid in obliterating that which is hampering a move to the next stage. As I sit down writing this, I wonder why I have informally turned into a professional student and job seeker. It is a struggle but someday, I will have a breakthrough. Luckily, I love the fact that I can sometimes be able to apply the various skills learnt all at once as time progresses. That enough is motivation to continue. Who knows, someone may want me to help him out with my knowledge when am ripe.

               

Hasta La Vista Baby.

[Picture Source: My own]

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INDIFFERENT

Have you ever felt that people around you are happy yet you are not? There are those times in life you just feel like you are discouraged. They are like happy moments. They sneak into your life intermittently and you have no intuition where the damn feeling originated from. When you try to figure out and reason logically bereft of emotions, you realize that you are immersing yourself into thoughts of yonder which keep on regurgitating like some emetic causing déjà vu. Is it a spell cast? You ponder. Is the feeling reclusive? Or everyone at some point goes through this phase.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have developed some kind of inertia. Both mental and physical. I have lost the zeal that I initially had. Whether or not I will recover it has great to do with time. They say time is a healer. Everything we do has a destiny, say end.

Just realized that I don’t love reading anymore and writing also. Then again, knowledge is the basis of wealth. Whether you have formal or informal education, the wealth of wisdom acquired over time is the reason you are where you are. You can decide to take advantage of the brains in your head or do nothing about them. Then again there is the aspect of opportunity, which you seldom know when it will strike. I just wish I could revive the fanaticism of being zetetic. And moving on to muster to be a master in my own game. But I digress each time.

Again, there is the drooping in my results. I dunno what I have not been doing right. I need to tighten my leather belt with regard to time wastage. Say, sticking to a rote which I have been trying hard to follow and the results have been a spoiler. I am left famished in a sense. Maybe I should just look for a way of doing thing my own way. And forget about the other ways. Thy own way is creative, full of imagination and leaves room for amelioration. Right?

I should find a way of draining away these two source of fatigue, physical and psychological. Let me reassure myself that all things will end well. I will revive my lost literary skills, read that which I am supposed to read. Workout even when I am not feeling like and reduce on so uncanny addictions that contribute to low self-esteem.

But how do I get the vis back? Will it be as peptic as it used to be? Should I consult a counselor or just take the bull by its horns? These are just but few of the questions that I usually ask myself. In investments lingo, they are referred to as VAR (Value at Risk) queries. Maybe I should try out Google, and find out if I can rekindle the prior fervor that seemed unmanageable.

Reminds me of that ‘LAZY SONG’ by Bruno Mars.

Hasta La Vista, Baby

[Picture Source: Pixabay.com]

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MONTE CARLO FALLACY

The broke me is contemplating starting a career in gambling. No! am just a noble speculator. The only problem with this kind of speculation or gambling is that there are no derivatives or a way to transfer risk so that you are not left despondent by hedging against the risk of losing money. I am contemplating joining one of the many football betting sites to try my hand in being a millionaire. And I want to gamble with other people’s money.  Yo! Mshwari, allow me to take this risk. When I get mullahs, you will also be smiling, right.

Obviously you are wondering why I will use loaned money to play. Practically, I have no money of my own. I am a lazy bone. I love freebies. So I have no margin to seize a probable get rich quick gamble. Since getting a job has been quite a tussle on my side. And here is why. I have contemplated going for mjengo, or car washing. But the moment I think about the same, I usually feel debased and weary. But I need money. Money to print a CV and a cover letter. I don’t believe in employment bureaus because they take money away from me. I also need money to photocopy my certificates. And some money to drop the relevant documents to the places I am interested in jump-starting a career in. Sadly it would be gloomy for me if a prospective employer heard I am into gambling. But I have a ready answer.

The other problem is that I don’t feel like working for any firm at the moment. I do not have the acumen to engage in a business and lastly, I am impatient because taking an initiative has been dreary. I have been impatient for quite a long time. Years are passing and my status has not ameliorated yet am tormenting myself undergoing mental drudgery all in the name of getting an education. Will I quit the quest? No. Notwithstanding that I am still stuck in a rut. I think that this revelation is worthy for a guy who wants to venture in a career of gambling.

As such, I am on a mission to be inducted into the career of gambling. But first, I have to finish my studies. Gambling will start once I have completed my studies which is less than a month’s time. I hope that gambling will sustain my rent, help me go places and find new interests.

Why gambling you may ask? Everything you do in life has a reason. I want to make easy and quick money. There are times I will lose, there are times I will gain. And there are times I will cry. Plus the process only involves sitting and looking at previous results, analyzing and making projections. I think am smart enough given that I know about permutations and combinations and probability and Venn diagrams and stochastic processes. I wish I could be able to perform simulations that are devoid of regrets, like Monte Carlo, huh. Anyway, those are just wishes.

You have heard naysayers with their malevolent insinuations degrade betting. They have their own reason why they spite what is ethically right given that the government gets taxes, people are employed through the betting institutions, the few lucky fellows smile all the way to the bank and people who sure bet with positive results are able to meet their short term deficits. Forget about match fixers.

On the flip-side, we have seen guys who have hanged themselves, having lost their money which is also comparable to banking your money given the high volatility with which many banks are being liquidated and finances lost. There is also the ominous effects of addiction. Which I am sure will make me captive betrothed in it once I start betting.

But who cares, man must survive. If this is not right ethically, then it should not have be instituted and sanctioned in the first place. So like any fellow who needs petty cash for survival, after am through with my exam, trust you me, gambling is the way to go.

PS: Monte Carlo fallacy is a posh name as opposed to gambling. It makes it look like some nerdy engagement though the photo discredits the whole ideology of this procedure first used out during nuclear probabilistic trials.

Hasta La Vista Baby.


[Photo Source: Google Images]

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ISSUES

Way back when I was still in primary school, Kantai rapped about ‘Issues’. I had to listen to it again just to be up to date on the lyrics. As a matter of fact, there was a line that went like, 'I got issues that can't be absorbed by a tissue.' Am also going through a complicated phase in life. Girly issues, those that I cannot talk about because they are dear to the heart. School issues, those that make you a nerd even if you want to be a bubbly extrovert who oozes a sphere of warmth and a debonair condescending aura. Money issues, because money is the reason why we do that which we do and live our lives either in indigence, ease or abundance. And overall, just many issues that make life a real challenge but since you don't know tomorrow, there is always that caveat to continue laboring till you get a big break.

There is nothing as troublesome as trying to be in the dating scene and all you have are just illusions of how it should be. Worse of all is if the notion that you think you are the party who tries to keep it going. You are sometimes forced to retract and take that seat on the cliff to ponder about how life has been in general. Why do ladies behave the way they do? Don’t they know they irritate when in actual sense we are trying not to be bitter because there is more good than bad when we want them to converse as it is the only way of letting that which is clogged in the heart. However, it reaches a point you realize someone does not want you and you are forced to move on. They probably moved way ahead, only you never read the telltales early enough to hedge against the risk of a broken heart which comes as a result of break-ups. Which are not good to either party because they make you socially paralyzed but you pick up the pieces and move on ahead.

I hate that I have become subservient to the institution of scholarship. It’s a venture I thought would be pro tem without too much captivity in terms of reducing on the effects making me a slave to myself. Yes, because I immersed myself in it, I have to take full responsibility of my actions. The payoff may not be justified but the fact that patience pays does not give me a reason to forego my pursuit. I just have to love my predicaments and work towards turning them into strengths because that is what we need to do. You find you have dedicated too much time to something but you are yet to get to the industry average standards and as such, you are forced to pump in more. But even though you try, you only have 24 hours like everyone else. Which means it is essential to stick to your rote to get maximum returns or make use of time which should be revered.

Oh! there is also the issue of forfeiting being in the social scene. You realize you have to become a nerd when engaging in some academic pursuits. They come with subtle caveats that deter you from doing that which you would have done. Like enjoying a cold sweaty bottle of your favourite ale, or going on a long road trip to have fun, or maybe just having your own time to reflect on that which makes you happy as a man. And this attachment causing self-induced confinement probably caused that belle to call it a day through unethical ways of cutting all communication between the two of you by not replying messages or receiving calls. But you learnt from the situation the hard way and every experience in life is a teacher. You now are bequeathed with gem given that you can take filth even amid conditions that are severe and ominous.

I also have got issues with ladies who think that they should ape the rollercoaster lifestyles of our perceived socialites that has taken them from the chains of penury to being most girl's favourite idol. Sometimes it baffles me how ladies have got so obsessed with socialites so much so that they wish they had a life like theirs. Showcasing or purporting to own houses they may or may not own. Driving cars they make the average chick who has curtailed ambition think that she may never get there no matter what she does. These socialites have set precedents that if you have a daughter, you will probably rue if you cannot provide for her and she becomes rebellious thinking that becoming a socialite in the Kenyan context is the way to go. But it’s also a profession that comes with killing the conscience, sacrificing certain luxuries like never worrying about your health and body and being a social media fanatic. Having been in a discussion about socialites, I am certain that indeed, even married women who are undergoing mid-life crisis would want just a piece of what the high life socialite is going through.

Perhaps the most implosive reason why my writing is undergoing through periods of attenuation is due to my perpetual lack of interest. I wish I was half as active as I used to be before things happened and I had to take responsibility. But I have to reignite it ostentatiously through thick and thin even though I am not as dynamic as I should be by adopting a resplendent tact of splendid brilliance in my current tasks. Which is itself easy to say but implementing is as hard as cracking a macadamia nut with your own teeth.

Amid all the issues, I was able to be invited to one interview to be a sales guy. Am gradually becoming an optimistic after becoming a discouraged job seeker. What I am not sure is if I will eventually land a position I want in future given that I have become very impatient in the careers I undertake. If those chaps find me worthy of a job, I will take it. In fact, it will give me a new dispensation of doing something I never thought I would do. I currently love doing that I never wanted to do just because I will get an avenue of writing something after going through it. And writing to me is beyond the passion of waiting for things to happen, but making things happen. Never mind that my hustler traits are not as insurgent as they should be.

And on that note I have to sign off hoping all goes well with my usually signature.

Hasta La Vista, Baby.

[Picture Source: 58pic.com]

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TILL WE MEET AGAIN.

Back in the days, while I was still in high school, there was a certain hymn we used to like singing with a lot of fervor. Especially while going for mid-term or long holidays while taking a break from schoolwork.

‘God be with you till we meet again’ it was. Emphasis was placed on this verse with a series of ‘Hey, hey!’ However, it was an emotionless song. Who even cared singing, especially in an all-boys school? But when it came to this hymn specially reserved for such occasions, shouts were paramount. Ideally, I don’t remember singing it during the normal parade days when we sung the hymns. Our new principal while a sophomore forced us to make use of 'Golden Bells', which used to be on the dark corners of the metal box aiding in gaining rust during our 'mono' years in high school.

While reminiscing about this song, a certain hymn also came to my mind. ‘In the sweet by and by.’ It’s dirgic. When I usually sing it during solemn times, I normally sniffle when emotions take the better of me. Thank goodness they never result into sinuses. I  like the refrain. It makes me realize that we are on a succinct sojourn here on earth as much as it is a succor. After singing it, then I become touched for a short moment, then I swing back to reality. That I quickly forget is not a lie. But here are the lyrics to the refrain.

In the sweet by and by,
We shall  meet on that beautiful  shore;
In the sweet by and by,
We shall  meet on that beautiful  shore.

Over the weekend, I went for the interment ceremony of my late uncle Barry. The one I had a half a day with at KNH. He had finally succumbed after being bravely borne to some complications that probably led to his untimely demise. However, for a man that strong, he remained coherent and clear in his voice till the last minutes when he went to the other side of life.

Sometimes I usually imagine how it would be life after death. However, I would never write my own obituary. As a matter of fact, if I write it and God-Forbid something ill happened to me, my cadaver will be declared ceremonially unclean. Anyway that is something none wants. We all want to remain alive. Forever, which is impossible. Even when we really know that we are on the brink of kicking the bucket, we just want a reminder that we can still breathe for the next minute and it should be compounded.

My family does not believe in Langata cemetery. When one finally succumbs, he is taken back home so that we can honourably give him a decent send-off. Because it’s a process, plans have to be made and funds raised. That means that it takes time before the actual ceremony takes place.

We met on several occasions to organize for the fundraising. Usually, to cut on costs, we normally met in a city restaurant and bought drinks and snacks as we planned on how to approach the issue. The major fundraising was held in a certain social hall where all and sundry were invited to aid in contributing towards the funeral expenses.

Back home, guys believe that certain native singers should be hired to sing as the body is being taken home. Mourners should be fed lest people start talking. Local drinks for guys in the reserve should be bought. Music should be played at least twice; the day before the interment and after interment. Funeral announcement should be made on local radio for all to hear for at least a week. And a lot of other logistics that usually involve expenses.

The journey back to my aboriginal roots usually takes seven hours. However, this time round, we were not travelling back with Uncle Barry. He had been transferred in advance and kept in a morgue in my home town. So we had all the time on our sleeves to travel. Guys were on a road trip. Personal cars, hired cars and I don’t know what, were the means of transport.

All the guys we were travelling with were in between their twenties and early forties. And most never did mind taking ale. So cars were stuffed with ale for consumption during the wake and while journeying. Photos were also taken on the various stoppage points and stories ‘beaten’ while travelling. 

The journey from Nairobi is usually ecstatic while driving back with eccentric people. Even though it was supposed to be a grief-stricken journey, it turned into an enjoyable ride. It being a Friday, cops were strategically positioned within a kilometer in some stretches and that limited the speed in which one could travel. I remember being asked for my DL only once. I misplaced the damn thing a year ago and was lucky to have never been asked until when I had renewed it and only had a paper from e-citizen to display as the license.

Uncle Barry’s body was at a local morgue. Being a tall guy, a lengthy casket had to be found to ensure his body did fit inside. There is a bus named, ‘Jaiko’ which translates to ‘the undertaker’. It normally leaves Nairobi very early to arrive in my hometown in time to enable folks undertake their obligations. Those who normally board it love the fact that it keeps time. However, I am not sure if that’s the real name of the bus or it was just another fabrication by those we were travelling with.

At the morgue, we found out that the number of the male species that were succumbing at an early age was quite exceptional. Ladies who had succumbed were few. Judging by the  pictures of the people whose lives were now no more.

There was quite a stand-off at the entrance of the morgue when we arrived because some people wanted to receive the body of their loved ones before others who had earlier on been cleared. In fact, they wanted to forcibly gain entry inside the morgue to perform the task  of the mortician. Luckily, family members had ensured that the body of Uncle Barry was removed in advance. Therefore, we only saw as guys were struggling to gain entry inside the morgue. Shielding them were sentries who never wanted those rascals who were acting savage to enter inside the morgue.

Apparently the number of ladies who came to accompany their loved ones was also many.

After finalizing on a short prayer ceremony, the body was placed inside the hired hearse and off we set off for my rural home.

Come to think of it, most of us usually travel back home only during such occasions as funerals and Christmas or for remembrance of a departed soul. This is usually an opportune moment for members of our extended family to bond. We spend the better part of our lives living in the city and various towns then end up in a home we never thought we would stay in, the grave. Luckily for Uncle Barry, his insurance had taken care of most of the expenses. But the budget is never enough, so it forces family and friends to chip in to boost the income availed by insurance. Which means I should also join an insurance to ensure I plan for my future whether I kick the bucket or not. It’s crucial.

When I was young, during the journey back home from the morgue, people used to sob uncontrollably and others even fainted just by the view of the body of a loved one. It was the kind of sobbing that was genuine. Nowadays, there are professional mourners. They get hired by those whose loved one is either unknown by the villagers or severed ties with the rural folks. These are people who go to towns and stay for long so that they are forgotten by the folks back at home.

Such people elicit no feelings among those back at home when they demise. Our culture is such that we have to cry while taking the body home. Most ladies are the ones who engage in that. They wail and shout to alert villagers that the body is getting back home. As for men, they also shout carrying twigs or a fly whisk as the hearse’s siren blares. Cars accompanying the hearse also honk loudly and put the car hazard on while being driven at snail pace. Children also are not left out as they come out to witness how the late is being taken back home. The youthful guys carry twigs and run helter skelter chanting 'Jowi'. They are also in charge of carrying the body of the deceased.

When the body is removed from the hearse, it is carried to the homestead where a priest or a local pastor will pray, after the mourners have calmed down. Mark you, the body has to enter the compound using the main entrance, which is cleared in advance if twigs had grown on it. Normally, before the prayer, the young men carrying the body usually run with it shouting heroic words if he is a man for around five minutes in his compound or his father's compound. It’s a ritual that I have no idea about. Incidentally those who carry the coffin are normally inebriated. After the prayers, people will sit and take tea with either ‘mandas or nyoyo’. A goat or sheep called 'chiayo matin' is slaughtered for consumption that day. 

Obviously you will hear latecomers wailing at a distance as they come to confirm that it truly is the body of the deceased.

During the wake, the songs that are usually played are gospel songs. Rarely are candles lit, apart from those who know the meaning of it. A sermon is usually given and people from various homesteads join the family members of the bereaved. If it rains before the burial day, most people say that the deceased is crying. That night is also when the grave is dug, a cow is slaughtered and the food is prepared.

In my rural home, catering is a big business, I even have an uncle who left his job in a hotel to start his own catering business and he has never looked back. From funerals, graduations, birthdays, Christmas, and Easter. He usually has a tight schedule during the weekends and being seasoned in the industry, you need to book him in advance. His clients range from the who is who, and he name drops those big names when I ask him of his latest business.

During the burial day, relatives and friends will come from various places. Those given a chance usually eulogize the deceased of his heroic deeds. A funeral is treated like a wedding in our place. Weddings are the reverse. They involve people going to the church, afterwards, they go for a small meal then the ceremony is over. In our place, funerals are budgeted for. If people never eat, they will annul to having gone to such a ceremony. And most people don't like it when their homestead is talked about illy. I usually wonder why funerals are treated as such. In some cases, there is food reserved for the VIPs and there is another reserved for the villagers, who come en mass especially if the person who died was a prominent name.

After the burial, those who want to leave usually do at their pleasure. One thing is for sure, as long as food is in abundance, people will stay for a while. However, in limited quantities, they will exit the very day. But that night, there is usually music played all night long till the wee hours of the night. Boys normally outnumber girls during such an occasion. It relieves the family members of the grief they have. Long ago, such music used to be played for even a week. Some even involved bringing a local music band to sing for mourners turned revelers. 

Sadly, there are times when such reveling turned disastrous as no one was frisked upon entry. Chances are, you would find a person getting hit on the head with a panga, or an innocent dude whose dancing skills charmed a village beauty being beaten by a bunch of hooligans high on bhang smoked with abandon. Some marauding hooligans also carried whips called 'boka rao' they whipped those who crossed their line. Jik, a local drink is usually consumed in colossal amount and this also triggers the few cases of violence some goons engage in. Luckily, the brutality is usually quelled by those who want to enjoy, but if it gets out of hand, the local chief normally intervenes with his boys. This explains why folks from my tribe love engaging in acts of violence and also love partying like there is no tomorrow.

Let me not forget to mention that the family of the deceased normally gets to be given cows, sheep and goats if the sole bread winner was the person who succumbed. All the remaining animals and foodstuff that were not consumed also become the assets of the deceased’s family members.

While we may not have observed all the rituals during Uncle Barry’s funeral, we did give him a decent send-off. Though it was a short-lived affair as opposed to how it should have been in comparison to the past.

That is why I must conclude by paraphrasing a bible verse.

2nd Timothy 4:7, "You have fought the good fight, you have finished the race, you have kept the faith.”

“God be with you till we meet again.” Uncle Barry.

Hasta La Vista, Baby.

[Picture Source: Pixabay.com]

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ARRESTED BY A LADY POLICE

Have you ever been caught by a lady police officer? Unawares. Driving on the right lane. Listening to music and jokes on radio and laughing like a hyena inside to those bland jokes by a sell by date radio presenter. That’s the time thoughts started accelerating in my head. Even though I knew I was on the right, my heart was hammering inside my chest like it belongs to a rabbit running for its skin.

I feigned composure though.

‘Unaenda na route gani?’ she asked. I don’t remember receiving any greetings from her.

“Langa’ta Road,” I replied.

“Nifikishe Bunyala Road.”

“Ingia twende.” I said then went mum.

She pulled the manual lock because I had rolled down the window due to the sweltering heat and entered inside. She looked motherly, removed her reflective jacket and I noticed the sillage. It was floral and nuanced of a finer approach. After sitting, we had a plausible awkward moment. I remembered I had discussed with someone that cops like freebies. Lifts are their weakness. This was the second time I was carrying one. The first was a young policeman who stopped me and as opposed to this lady, we had a lengthy chat. Usually, they are on their way to attend to duty.

Nairobi traffic jam. It was a gridlock on that day. Every car had turned off its engine, you could see matatu conductors wandering on the highway looking up and down for clues. My panya route turned out to be the longest route. I had used Kenyatta Avenue, then snaked effortlessly on Processional way to Haile Selassie from Uhuru Highway. I caught up with her just after switching lanes from Processional Way. Then I saw the cars I had left in the jam on Uhuru Highway getting preference over us. Ouch! Reminds me that I always have to exercise patience. However, this lack of patience had resulted in me giving a lift to a lady police. Is this not a worthy exercise?

I normally listen to Capital FM while alone. A habit I developed in campus because we thought it was cool. So the practice has stuck. The sassy diva was on air. Apparently, Koffi Olomide, ‘Mukulu Kulu’ is coming to town, tickets go for 2K. I was made to understand he has over 35 names. Pole Musa. I cannot afford to attend this concert. My uncles love such stuff, Rhumba. They hyped how they would attend Fally’s concert. Did they attend?

Sitting inside a car with a police is uncomfortable. Especially with the sweltering heat of Nairobi and am dark-skinned. That makes me look darker than usual. Compounded with sweat, I look scary. Just wondering how she resorted to ask me for a lift. Is it because I had not tinted the front windows? Do I look philanthropic? Or is it that I am homely and kind? Food for thought.

Inside I started being bombarded by many questions. How do I start a conversation? Why does she not take the initiative? She is a cop for Christ sake and should be able to take initiative. The insurgent cold almost resurfaced. Most guys I know are currently battling a cold. ‘Mapua karibu itoke makamasi.’  I had to look up and sniffle. To avoid eye contact, I decided to look outside. Imagining.

This were the imaginations. Why is that guy in a bespoke suit walking from work? Does he even know that I have no money on me yet am driving? Or did he pack in a shady place where he does not have to fork out parking fees? We surely needed to switch positions if he had no car. He is burly and am kind of skinny, I think this is a reversed role. Then I notice a dude who has a big derriere. They go like, ‘ashu mia, ashu mia’. This sounds gross, right. But he should have lent that lady in front of him with some. She looked like someone denied those assets which are hideous on men.

A voluptuous lady with yellow thighs passed by the kerb. She had a slit on her skirt that almost kissed the ass. And she had a fine ass. I wish I could go tell her ‘Kizuri chajiuza, Kibaya chajitembeza’. She probably caused men to have lascivious thoughts as she walked the aisles of the offices.

As a driver, you only imagine. Imagine a lot of things. You are also imagining what the cop is imagining. Let me not pen down those dirty thoughts. But cops know so many secrets. This one was a traffic police. She was well build, round faced and had a mellow voice. A phone call did break the virginity of silence.

‘Hallo.’

‘Sitafika mapema leo.’

‘Unataka nikulete nini?’

‘Sirudi town lakini.’

I could not hear what the other person what saying. But it did sound like a young’un. That was just an excerpt of the short conversation they had. I was not keen enough because I was driving. You know men cannot multitask.

She also talked with someone who sounded like her boss. The jam was on again. She kept referring to him as ‘Sir’. Her senior. Sign of respect, like we used to call all our male teachers ‘Sir’, in primary school. And that mentality has also stuck in me.

After the conversation, the jam started moving. I remember her telling him that she was taking to her what he had required of her. Then I realized that indeed, cops have sway on the Nairobi jam.

We had been in the jam for more than thirty minutes. But after the conversation was over, we started moving.

She said something but I still could not respond. I have some kind of introversive demeanor with strangers. Then there was news that there was a proposal to increase the age of judges to 74 from 70. She gave the example of Kubana. That they were going to age while in office. But judges are like wine. I corrected her that it was Kalpana Rawal, the deputy CJ.

We talked about how judges like privileges, and she talked about immunity and some other benefits I have forgotten.

I wanted to ask her how comes guys in big cars with normal number plates were overlapping and overtaking using the wrong lane while we were in the jam. Why did they let them do so? Were such guys more special than us in small cars that with three litres, you can drive to Nakuru and back? Could we also do that now that she was going to build the nation? She never looked like someone in a hurry.

On reaching Bunyala road, I almost hit a car by the side. ‘Umeingia vibaya,’ she told me.

One of the side mirrors is past its useful value. It serves no purpose other than it just being there. A grease monkey had told me it retails at 4K. I cannot afford that.

She did alight on the round-a-bout as I sped off.

I remember seeing a guy in a vitz looking at me. Maybe, he thought I was caught and the fact that the laws do not allow police inside commoner’s cars, it looked odd. But at such times, you need to kill your conscience. If you can kill your conscience and live your life, you will achieve great feats, someone told me.

PS: Someone pulled the charger from my pc while doing the original version of this post. It was over 800 words. I hate having a laptop in form of a desktop. That means I should buy a battery as soon as possible. That was more than two hours of time lost. I now wish all my content would be web linked so that nothing is ever lost.

Hasta La Vista Baby.

[Picture Source: Pixabay.com]

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QUARTER LIFE CRISIS

Have you ever been asked about your net worth or value and musing over the question, you conduct a complete audit of yourself and realize you are in a financial bind. Then you feel like you are this morbid failure whose financial status is better off rendered insolvent or liquidated or in layman terms you are in an economic turmoil since you are operating on a deficit in relation to your financial spectrum that you envisaged would be earning interests as you make more for sustenance having invested in index funds in a tax haven country, say Belize, British Virgin Islands or Mauritius.

At my age, I feel like I have gone through a series of up and downs but having not achieved a well-defined financial path could just be the reason why this post has surfaced.

Allow me to say that I am a freelancer. This is a courteous word knowing full well that I am not attached to any company that can offer me a leeway to start a financial journey through offering my services because I have no income to rely on at the end of the month or day because of impulsive decisions that have caused this financial quagmire. As I write this, I am hopeful that this sojourn will be pro tempore. Failure of which I will lose respect in the eyes of society and even my current beau (feminine version). However, I am not worried, life is about going through those situations that help you in identifying a Mojo stance that will be unwavering in the long term. The folly of short-term ebullience that is characterized by petty triumph is that it is soon hobbled into redundancy if cogent contemplation is overlooked.

Indeed, I have learnt that easy come, easy go. That which comes without much sweat is like a lottery win. You have not adequately prepared for it, so you end up making decisions that are reckless and immaterial because the new found fortune knocked on the door that was at a limbo inside. Take for instance yours truly, I made one of the most fatal mistakes in life when I left my teaching job that even though was not well rewarding, but had the prospects of taking me to the next level. Am I regretting? Yes and No. Yes because probably, as at now, I would have been in paid employment and not having to be that guy who borrows money having exhausted all the savings I had made in my former job. And No because my former job exposed me to new skills and aura that is present in most workplaces where the employer feels entitled to treating you the way he likes because you are his employees. But I gained material knowledge of social media marketing, graphic design and copyrighting that may one day rake in some cash. Since such tools cannot aid in quashing my financial obscurity in the meantime, I have taken time off to concentrate on my studies. Luckily, I am buoyant that things will start sprucing up after plummeting for a while, sooner. Because the good thing about life is its unpredictability.

As a freelancer, there are many facets of life that usually give one the impetus over those who are tied to employment. You have plenty of free time that you can use to genuinely aid in making money or loafing around lolling in the milieu of your hodgepodge or in rare occasions use it to gain knowledge on how to be beneficial to the self or society through watching online tutorials or reading books or attending webinars or seminars that contribute to the same.

Ideally, I discovered this MOOC (massive open online course) instituted by scholarship giants Harvard University and Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) called edX. It has the ‘F’ word most people like and that is, it is Free of charge like oxygen. Yes, everything on edX is free apart from the fact that getting issued with a certificate requires a little payment at the end of the day. Indeed, learning has been liberalized. You get the best education from the best university at no cost and you can even land a scholarship to one of the Ivy League Institutions as the Mongolian wunderkind Battushig Myanganbayar. I saw him in a conference organized by World Bank where the institution was launching its maiden Open Learning Courses and realized how a global village the world has become. When you take up those courses, you need to program yourself to finish and have intrinsic motivation and discipline to complete. The setback is that MOOCs today are primarily serving the education haves, not disadvantaged learners. Why? You need internet which is far out of reach of many people especially those that could gain from MOOCs.

As such I can only imagine how MOOCs can be of help to the many hustlers who have a thirst for education but cannot find an avenue for gaining free education at the comfort of a click. If investors could realize that the future of a nation is incentivized through technology, they would ensure that more centres such as @ilabAfrica and @iHub are given more emphasis at the grassroots level so that more people can be able to gain an education in lieu of resorting to drug abuse and vices that destroy the moral fabric of the society. Sometimes when I look at the many hustlers who while away their time waiting for things to happen instead of making them happen, I usually empathize. Anyway, every other person knows what’s best for him or her. I am a firm believer that individual actions are sometimes within one's control. Except in incidences that are outside one's scope and as such they may be termed as macro influences. When I usually hear the stories of such individuals who I sometimes engage, I usually take an agnostic viewpoint.

Anyway back to my quarter life crisis, there are times when I usually feel like I made the worst decision to quit paid employment waiting for aggrandizement in the future in the event things go as planned, ceteris paribus. The folly of this is you never know when your bait will be ensnared and then these are there online jobs that are sometimes too good to be true. Of course there are those optimistically fabricated job ads that go viral on Whatsapp and any other group that has jobseekers will have such messages doing rounds on them. Sometimes the idle man in me dedicates time to go find out the authenticity of the job vacancies and the grim reality is that most of the jobs are cock-and-bull stories especially those that come clustered so you have an array of jobs to apply for. Methinks, most genuine jobs are those that are advertised on the mainstream media and a corroboration of the same is available on the company’s website or internal sources such as employees. Again, genuine employment agencies may help in efforts to verify the same. I doubt whether Brighter Monday is a better forum for searching for employment as they never have a contact and contract with the employer.

Looking for employment is tricky if you are not in one. You look desperate and can take anything most of the time. Just to make money. Then you come to realize that life is more than making money. And money is the root of all evil. If you live a life where you are not getting money from a reliable source like yours truly, then you cannot make plans bound by monetary decisions. The problem with money is that you usually spend it before you have it. Worse is if you are a low income earner. Being one means most of the time, you are left indebted and as such you cannot be able to invest in a substantial investment that can rake in more cash. You also have to work more hours or spend the same from and back home and this has a heavy toll on your mental and physical agility as you will find that most of the times you are exhausted to a point you cannot engage in an activity that will ameliorate your status. You subtly realize are subservient to your employer. He has the capital, which you need. Furthermore, if you have no pushers, you end up being frustrated by the bureaucratic systems you take up the easiest route. Which is the case mostly for a majority of the populace. Forget about those who went to study medicine finished and realized they loved acting. Those are extreme cases. They probably are sons and daughters whose fathers had an opening account for them at birth while you and I were born hohe hahe (with nothing). They make you think that you can pursue law and end up being a musician because you love music.

The reality is that, unless you become very cogent in your decision making and adopt a committed line of specialization, then you probably will remain that guy who wanted everything and got none. Why? There is a lot of dedication and sacrifices in each field. If you want to make a better musician, use education in any field as a backup so that you are not financially ruined. But the best education is that got through life experience. Not those that are certified at the end of the process. Those are just papers. Unless they secure you an avenue of having a big break or a small one, nobody ever knows you have them. They are like your groin nobody knows how it looks like until he sees it.

Life is about taking risks, the more risky it is the probability is that it can either result in a fatal loss to ultimately ruin you or a gain that will elevate your social status in the future. However the risk must be germane to what you aspire for in life. If it entails bending yourself into pretzel shapes to be able to get to the other side of the terrain, then do it. As long as it’s fun, and you have no other option, take up the challenge. Life is too short to live griping over that which you should have but you don’t in your current dispensation.

There are those times I usually contemplate of having a job seeker’s profile on LinkedIn. The amount I have to should spend is way above that which I can give a recruitment agency to write me an impressive resume and probably aid me in gaining an interview just to reassure myself that I am still competent and marketable in the job market. The amount though minimal is still not worthy of investing in such ventures. Furthermore, it delineates me from the process of finding a worthy employer as in the case of a recruitment agency. Like you promise to work for one month with a firm and someone else gets the proceeds all because they helped you get a job. But they say, ‘Hii ni Kenya, kila mtu lazima akule.’

One thing I realized is that there are so many employment opportunities available to people who user them as a conduit to make money or recruit cronies if the requirement of the duties and responsibilities are not very technical or specialized or not well defined. Like my old man told me of the infiltration of relatives of the seniors to positions they may qualify for or may not have qualified for thereby you hear of no vacancies in such organizations. The end result is that buggers like us take remnants in mediocre companies and if we work just fine, we can give such firms our best shot and this can form the foundation for success in the event we detach ourselves from the feeling of inferiority complex that you cannot work for a certain firm. Eventually such small firms perform best if you dedicate yourself and stick to the ideals if the owner never gives up. Chances are, you will reap big in future. This world is based on, ‘you never know’. Even a mustard seed is usually very tiny but its end result is unfathomable.

I also want to get there sometime in future. When I was young, I thought that life is about academics, passing exams and blah blah blah. Now my belvedere has been broadened. When I hear high-school graduates pondering on mainstream professions such as law, medicine and engineering in order to gain acceptance or reverence in the image of society, I usually feel like they are only after titles and the eventual benefits that come with such professions. Yet we have people who sell charcoal, lollypops (Like I saw one of my former pals in high school selling them on Thika road in the morning jam and imagined how others would have commiserated at his deplorable status. He passed in primary to join high school. You had to have scored 400 marks and above out of the possible 500. Then inwardly I concluded that the best hustle is that which you do with a passion. Who knows, if he becomes shrewd enough, he will be able to start a kiosk and we will eventually read about him on Business Daily’s Top 40 Under 40.)

Sometimes I wish I could also get the courage to go take up a job as a grease monkey in one of the many garages on Grogan and gain skills in the mechanical or electrical components of a car (I love cars). Or probably go to town, request whether I can push those carts for some pay at the end of the day just to get an experience with kanjo. Obviously there also those who sell smokies and eggs which is an easier job in comparison to the other two. These are the kinds of jobs that if you highly disciplined financially, you can be able to reap big because you are not tied to working for specific hours. You work based on the income you expect plus there no taxes since you have irregular income which is not steady.

Again, these are the kinds of jobs people associate with those they think are uneducated because they are done on the streets. However, nobody ever knows how polished those doing them are. Worse is people will start talking when you take them up and term you as a failure. Yes that is how our society is. While I am busy thinking of the fact that I am making myself a future without an elaborate income, some other person is taking advantage of the investment opportunity and smiling all the way to the bank of that which most people do not want to engage in.

However, our society is wired in such a way that no one will respect you when you are jobless and struggling to make ends meet. Guys will never tell you but the reality is that a jobless person is a pain in the ass. If you want to gain respect and acceptance in any society, make money and in colossal amounts. Our only idiocy is that we tend to regard highly those who fraudulently make the money and then remit pittances to us. All because we do not have an income to sustain ourselves or have to rely on them for monetary well-being.

  

As for yours truly, when I get a respite. It will be a beginning of another journey. One which should be on continuous progress till that time I will achieve self-actualization. In the meantime as I struggle with self-acceptance waiting for a rolla-coaster, allow me to sing Angela Chibalonza’s ‘Nataka nitoke chini.’

Hasta La Vista Baby.

[Picture Source: My Own]

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