INDIFFERENT

Have you ever felt that people around you are happy yet you are not? There are those times in life you just feel like you are discouraged. They are like happy moments. They sneak into your life intermittently and you have no intuition where the damn feeling originated from. When you try to figure out and reason logically bereft of emotions, you realize that you are immersing yourself into thoughts of yonder which keep on regurgitating like some emetic causing déjà vu. Is it a spell cast? You ponder. Is the feeling reclusive? Or everyone at some point goes through this phase.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have developed some kind of inertia. Both mental and physical. I have lost the zeal that I initially had. Whether or not I will recover it has great to do with time. They say time is a healer. Everything we do has a destiny, say end.

Just realized that I don’t love reading anymore and writing also. Then again, knowledge is the basis of wealth. Whether you have formal or informal education, the wealth of wisdom acquired over time is the reason you are where you are. You can decide to take advantage of the brains in your head or do nothing about them. Then again there is the aspect of opportunity, which you seldom know when it will strike. I just wish I could revive the fanaticism of being zetetic. And moving on to muster to be a master in my own game. But I digress each time.

Again, there is the drooping in my results. I dunno what I have not been doing right. I need to tighten my leather belt with regard to time wastage. Say, sticking to a rote which I have been trying hard to follow and the results have been a spoiler. I am left famished in a sense. Maybe I should just look for a way of doing thing my own way. And forget about the other ways. Thy own way is creative, full of imagination and leaves room for amelioration. Right?

I should find a way of draining away these two source of fatigue, physical and psychological. Let me reassure myself that all things will end well. I will revive my lost literary skills, read that which I am supposed to read. Workout even when I am not feeling like and reduce on so uncanny addictions that contribute to low self-esteem.

But how do I get the vis back? Will it be as peptic as it used to be? Should I consult a counselor or just take the bull by its horns? These are just but few of the questions that I usually ask myself. In investments lingo, they are referred to as VAR (Value at Risk) queries. Maybe I should try out Google, and find out if I can rekindle the prior fervor that seemed unmanageable.

Reminds me of that ‘LAZY SONG’ by Bruno Mars.

Hasta La Vista, Baby

[Picture Source: Pixabay.com]

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ISSUES

Way back when I was still in primary school, Kantai rapped about ‘Issues’. I had to listen to it again just to be up to date on the lyrics. As a matter of fact, there was a line that went like, 'I got issues that can't be absorbed by a tissue.' Am also going through a complicated phase in life. Girly issues, those that I cannot talk about because they are dear to the heart. School issues, those that make you a nerd even if you want to be a bubbly extrovert who oozes a sphere of warmth and a debonair condescending aura. Money issues, because money is the reason why we do that which we do and live our lives either in indigence, ease or abundance. And overall, just many issues that make life a real challenge but since you don't know tomorrow, there is always that caveat to continue laboring till you get a big break.

There is nothing as troublesome as trying to be in the dating scene and all you have are just illusions of how it should be. Worse of all is if the notion that you think you are the party who tries to keep it going. You are sometimes forced to retract and take that seat on the cliff to ponder about how life has been in general. Why do ladies behave the way they do? Don’t they know they irritate when in actual sense we are trying not to be bitter because there is more good than bad when we want them to converse as it is the only way of letting that which is clogged in the heart. However, it reaches a point you realize someone does not want you and you are forced to move on. They probably moved way ahead, only you never read the telltales early enough to hedge against the risk of a broken heart which comes as a result of break-ups. Which are not good to either party because they make you socially paralyzed but you pick up the pieces and move on ahead.

I hate that I have become subservient to the institution of scholarship. It’s a venture I thought would be pro tem without too much captivity in terms of reducing on the effects making me a slave to myself. Yes, because I immersed myself in it, I have to take full responsibility of my actions. The payoff may not be justified but the fact that patience pays does not give me a reason to forego my pursuit. I just have to love my predicaments and work towards turning them into strengths because that is what we need to do. You find you have dedicated too much time to something but you are yet to get to the industry average standards and as such, you are forced to pump in more. But even though you try, you only have 24 hours like everyone else. Which means it is essential to stick to your rote to get maximum returns or make use of time which should be revered.

Oh! there is also the issue of forfeiting being in the social scene. You realize you have to become a nerd when engaging in some academic pursuits. They come with subtle caveats that deter you from doing that which you would have done. Like enjoying a cold sweaty bottle of your favourite ale, or going on a long road trip to have fun, or maybe just having your own time to reflect on that which makes you happy as a man. And this attachment causing self-induced confinement probably caused that belle to call it a day through unethical ways of cutting all communication between the two of you by not replying messages or receiving calls. But you learnt from the situation the hard way and every experience in life is a teacher. You now are bequeathed with gem given that you can take filth even amid conditions that are severe and ominous.

I also have got issues with ladies who think that they should ape the rollercoaster lifestyles of our perceived socialites that has taken them from the chains of penury to being most girl's favourite idol. Sometimes it baffles me how ladies have got so obsessed with socialites so much so that they wish they had a life like theirs. Showcasing or purporting to own houses they may or may not own. Driving cars they make the average chick who has curtailed ambition think that she may never get there no matter what she does. These socialites have set precedents that if you have a daughter, you will probably rue if you cannot provide for her and she becomes rebellious thinking that becoming a socialite in the Kenyan context is the way to go. But it’s also a profession that comes with killing the conscience, sacrificing certain luxuries like never worrying about your health and body and being a social media fanatic. Having been in a discussion about socialites, I am certain that indeed, even married women who are undergoing mid-life crisis would want just a piece of what the high life socialite is going through.

Perhaps the most implosive reason why my writing is undergoing through periods of attenuation is due to my perpetual lack of interest. I wish I was half as active as I used to be before things happened and I had to take responsibility. But I have to reignite it ostentatiously through thick and thin even though I am not as dynamic as I should be by adopting a resplendent tact of splendid brilliance in my current tasks. Which is itself easy to say but implementing is as hard as cracking a macadamia nut with your own teeth.

Amid all the issues, I was able to be invited to one interview to be a sales guy. Am gradually becoming an optimistic after becoming a discouraged job seeker. What I am not sure is if I will eventually land a position I want in future given that I have become very impatient in the careers I undertake. If those chaps find me worthy of a job, I will take it. In fact, it will give me a new dispensation of doing something I never thought I would do. I currently love doing that I never wanted to do just because I will get an avenue of writing something after going through it. And writing to me is beyond the passion of waiting for things to happen, but making things happen. Never mind that my hustler traits are not as insurgent as they should be.

And on that note I have to sign off hoping all goes well with my usually signature.

Hasta La Vista, Baby.

[Picture Source: 58pic.com]

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LOVES, CRAVINGS AND LIFE

I was scheduled to wake up at 0300hrs but did post-pond the early rising because that would have instinctively meant I slept only for four hours. Kwani I am a professor just on the brink of discovery or placing the final touches on an important theory still hypothetical, or a businessman who is set to secure a tender worth millions of dollars and has to burn the midnight oil or resurrect formulating the presentation or thinking hard in order not to miss the bait. Hell no, I am a mere teacher. So I added two more hours on my sleep and the alarm ensured I was astir after those six hours in bed.

Just realized I sleep a lot in mats while javing. Sometimes the mat conductor has to pat me in order to request for fare or the person next to me does the same to alert that I need to take back my change. I have a couple of times woke up forgetting my hard earned change with the conductor and every other time I hurriedly alight the car, I usually blame myself because of sleep.

Reading is a pastime that sometimes makes me forget the task at hand, thank goodness, teaching is kind of flexible, you need not ensure you are inhibited by the time factor which means you are strictly required to be in the job by 0800hrs. Also, you exit at your preference as long as you have done your duties of contributing to building a nation. But most of the time, I ensure I arrive early, just to pay less for fare and also to work on projects.

I wish reading too much stuff whether relevant or irrelevant would not occupy the better part of my time, again I am a coward in trying to get out of the tendency. Somehow, I need to muster some aspects of being a stickler. At present, I have danganyad myself that I will be reading this book on investments one hour every day or covering 30 pages a day within the next one month. Pole Brother, I am still stuck on the page I left reading the book, never mind that it is now almost a week since I committed to reading this book. I have placed a temporary bung on my reading cask. Someone help me out (shouting).

But I love reading, and art and music and what else, women, maybe yes. This reclusive solitude without that someone nago kill me ooooo (weka 9JA accent there). But am waiting for, 'God's time' which I don't know when it will, but either way, it is still the best time.

I still have eleven mutes to go to finish this. In the event I will not have done that which I am to achieve, I will sing that song of

Why worry, when you can pray?
Trust Jesus, He’ll be your stay.
Don’t be a doubting Thomas,
Rest fully on His promise,
Why worry, worry, worry, worry when you can pray? 

Since time is the setback now, like I used to have a lot of time for myself when I finished school and started blogging. But as I am juggling the jigsaw of life, let me not use parenthesis to annul to what I am trying to drive home. 

I wish I will still be able to sit down and write even when I become financially liquid (which is the reason why many cease writing). Or will I be contented to that point where I will find it unnecessary to pen out my luxuries now that I well be living a dear life full of avalanche (read material wealth).

Instinctively, I am now realizing the importance of time, if you never plan it, you will loose more of it. Time is money.

AND ON THAT NOTE I AM GOING TO END THIS DUCTILE VOYEUR.

[Photo Source: I don’t remember]

HASTA LA VISTA BABY

Why worry, when you can pray?
Trust Jesus, He’ll be your stay.
Don’t be a doubting Thomas,
Rest fully on His promise,
Why worry, worry, worry, worry when you can pray? - See more at: http://helpformylife.org/2011/06/29/why-pray-when-you-can-worry/#sthash.7b1yEThY.dpuf

Why worry, when you can pray?
Trust Jesus, He’ll be your stay.
Don’t be a doubting Thomas,
Rest fully on His promise,
Why worry, worry, worry, worry when you can pray? - See more at: http://helpformylife.org/2011/06/29/why-pray-when-you-can-worry/#sthash.7b1yEThY.dpuf

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FUCK THIS SHIT OF BEING CALLED A BEAST

"So what animal do you think you are?"

This is a question I was asked during my first job interview this year. Obviously, I hate being told to liken myself to a beast.

It is usually very irritating because animals cannot reason, are not rational and animals just are that- animals.

As I write this piece, I am feeling very zetetic. Yet I am still not sure whether that which I am after will become a reality. My gamut is quite emotionally ravaged.

So I heard this story, it is about the in-law of one of my sister's chums.

Lets call the bugger Jim. Jim is an Alcohol inspired name according to Google. So Jim once went to the court during the trial of one of his friends. Since Jim was a perpetual sot, he went to the courtroom drunk.

In the midst, he fell asleep in court. Upon waking up he thought he was in one of the many drinking dens he frequents and he burst out loudly;

"Wewe hapo juu pewa mbili na we askari pia pewa kadhaa."

Obviously, you know what happened to him. He got some respite when he was bailed out by his bigger brother.

Anyway, methinks this is the kind of guy who grew up and interacted so much with animals and this could have affected the way he relates with people.

Many African ladies, Ok, that would be committing a fallacy if I generalized that by saying many yet only a negligible count usually call their progeny names of animals that are not so palatable.

I remember one of our primary school teachers imitating how dogs behave, yet some women will call their children, "Umbwa hii."

Don't such women know that such names have consequences on the character of their children. The worst is being called a sheep. "Angalia hii kondoo."

Such names are in no doubt affect the thoughts of a child. It is usually a time when most children are learning about similes and when you call him sheep, he will start thinking he is a fool and may be introverted and withdrawn.

So many grow up crestfallen, devastated and cynical. All because someone called him a dog,or a cow and many other animals whose names I cannot remember. Yet we feign ignorance that we are no hurting when one calls us a name we instinctively never like.

However,there are scenarios where you call your buddies names of animals behind their back like, "Hikyo kiumbwa" or "Kale ka fisi." When the person you are conversing with hears the name call, you laugh like it is a normalcy. We humans are indeed queer. Our actions need to be audited but much more, our words need to be taken to the ombudsman or that commission headed Kaparo, Yes, NCIC, to clarify whether they fall under what is libelous.

But we are Kenyans. I remember as an eight year old, I went and messes with the hornet's nest by abusing or name calling some dudes we used to play with. When their mother heard, she was furious, she came out and gave me a dog's beating using a broom and that was the end of our friendship.

I went back home sobbing like a kicked dog hoping my mum would intervene. Even though she was pained, she told me I had been taught a lesson never to name call and think of myself as very strong.

Every other time I listen to ethnic music and hear the name calling, I usually feel ambivalent. I just donno why, but since it is the message that majority of people from my roots can aptly relate to, then I must admit, the backseat will serve me just right.

SITUONANE.

[Photo Source: Google Images]

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