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I have been battling some queer addictions which I have always
wanted to do away with in order to move on to the next stage of the after
effects. And there is nothing as tempting as trying to do that which you have
always wanted to eschew completely and ensure that it goes to the dogs without
ever coming back again. There is an extra precipitous pull that wants you to
engage in the urge because of cues that work towards strengthening it. Just
visualizing can “light up” a wont
and it’s worse when you have to do it in isolation.
It has been a cool four years trying to ensure I go for three
weeks without swinging back to my addiction. Some nerd called it 21 days of
breaking a habit. While it may be easy starting off the process of breaking an
addiction, the consistency bit is what is usually very hard to execute and
stick to the guns. There is this notion of “I have got to have this thing;
this is what I need right now” that spirals intermittently while also having
this thought distortions, “Remember where you got your fix last time. Go there
to get it.”
If my memory serves me right, it all started a while back when I
was lolling in the digs where I had access to free internet and nothing other
than writing to do and the trappings of power that comes with being a lone
ranger. Then this blog was conceptualized because I had always wanted an avenue
to express myself to the world about that which surrounds me.
Orange network it was, and with my small 3” Samsung phone which I
wrote about here, I got hooked up. I remember subscribing to some unlimited
bundles where I could download all the stuff that I could put my mind in. And
the truth is that an idle mind is the devils workshop. Truth be told, I started
exploring into the wild. It’s worse when you think no one is watching, because
you go to such depths that are quite unfathomable. Given the reverence chaps
bestow on yours truly and that they think I am straight and upright but deep
down into stuff that you would be shaking your head if you think about the
person addicted to such stuff.
True, it can be quite tasking to avoid something at the start. After
you start the process, having discovered it out of the woods, you want to
perfect it so that it carries on immaculately. Afterwards, is the discovery of
the fact that you are apprehended to an addiction, when you have been hooked up
to the habit already. Given that you are hooked, you hide to engage in it. Say
you are a novice smoker, you start by hiding then when it gets to a certain
stage, you become an amateur and before you know it, you are a
professional who is so hooked to that point where you can even do it without a
tad bit of worrying.
So,
recently when I completed my three weeks’ dose, I had to big up myself for
coming of age with a regimen that I can be able to stick to even though there
are times when it was so tempting I felt like resorting back to the indecorous
behaviour. Looking back, I have come a long way in breaking bad. Breaking bad?
Yes, this wont was like a dictator in my life. With availability of free
internet, I only had no other option other that thinking of it every free time
I had to loll.
I
bet the internal pressure to break this habit contributed immensely towards
finding a way or engaging in horrible activity to act as a caveat. There were
times I would give myself a penalty while trying to circumvent this billowing
trend to be devoid of what I can term as mental sickness, but, guess what, the
trend became cyclic. I would withstand the addiction for two weeks then resort
back on the first day of the start of the third week or even before. Having
forgotten that I had even sentenced myself much to the chagrin of angels of
light but to the conceit of a gremlin that wanted to thrive over the angels of
light. When you experience surge after surge of dopamine in the brain, there is
an unprecedented condensation of dopamine in the brain, the end result is that
it becomes intensive and you want more than you had experienced before. There
is some kind of shame knowing that you are addicted to that which society has
placed a red flag on.
Breaking
from overstimulation like I intimated was quite a thing. You feel like a
marathoner who has just won a medal for the first time after years and days of
trial without victory. Those are the moments you feel like GIFing yourself one
of those GIFs where someone is shouting her voice hoarse due to some soothing
swoon having seen her team win victoriously. The challenge now lies in creating
good to replace the bad old obsession. I guess I have to be humble in my next
strategy of going to the next level. I really need to plan for the worst-case
scenario now, because due to the heat of the moment, temptation can be
pervasive and I may find myself throwing out all the plans I had in the twinkle
of an eye.
Critically
this habit was draining because of the fact that it interfered with my working
and short-term memory, problem-solving ability, common sense, long-term memory,
attention, decision making, ability to suppress urges, concentration, focus,
and general intelligence. I can personally attest to my lack in motivation,
interest, and noticeable declines in my overall intelligence as a result. Which
is evident in my work results where I am at the periphery given that there is a
gauge on one’s performance. It upsets that it has come this far.
When
I am finally able to break free (say like going back to be a tot which never
happens), experience clarity, think clearly, and have permanent, colossal boots
in memory, intelligence and intellectual aptitude, motivation, decision making
and being a free being, I will tell it once again. That I got hooked, struggled
with the problem and finally ceased the indulgence. As at now, I am only
through with the trial phase of debarring by trying to acclimatize even though
the oner will still remain a challenge.
One
thing I have come to realize is that there is some kind of beauty and natural
satisfaction in having a burning passion for liberty from the corruption of the
mind and spirit. I guess the feeling of addiction contributed immensely to the
detrimental effect of feeling inadequate and that meant there are times I did
reach a dead end and holding it unto myself, I could not move on. This partly
contributed to my romantic empathy. Ideally, I had thought of myself as a real
romantic. The kind that most women would die to have or fight for. Yet this has
been the opposite. I looked at the mirror and realized am aging and wrinkled
with cracked lips full of chielitis. However, there is this girl who has never
got out of my mind. I have even thought that she dumped me, though she has not.
Yet she knows that I belong to her. Aint that not so sweet that a lady thinks
of you so much yet the bachelor in you is struggling with financial turmoil and
petty phobia.
In
spite of all that, she is like an addiction. I sometimes miss her so much that
I feel like I don’t want her anymore. In the end the bitter becomes sweet. Like
it’s now sometime ever since we last talked. I have been lying to myself that I
will one day leave her for good but that has become so hard a challenge to
achieve. I no longer even know those ballads that I can tell her to listen to
because she wows me more than I know. I also became sloppy and indifferent to
her. But her voice is serenading and pacifying. The kind of lady who I will one
day probably handcuff with those small 24k magic inshallah.
Back
to basics, when I said NO to the urge after the struggle I really felt good. I
did not feel disappointed like I have before. Nor did I feel ashamed, or had
feelings of self-hatred or filth. Reminds me that I should at least try to
write that girl a romantic message, just to enliven our sensational
camaraderie.
As
the struggle continues, there is hope at the end of the tunnel, to be free from
bondage, enjoy the intimacy of normalcy, regain confidence and be proud that I
am that person who has gone through nature’s turbulence as a result of my own
making and come out a victor though that journey has just started. My only
prayer now is that the Almighty won’t let me go down the abyss that I have come
from. The answer to this petition has just to be a stunning YES. His passion
endures forever.
Hasta
La Vista, Baby.
[Picture
Source: Google Images]
