PARA MI MAMÁ

You know what ma, my mind is kind of wonky.

I know you love reading. I know it because we used to have those moments. Remember back in the days when dad used to buy ‘Daily Nation’ and each of us wanted a piece of what was inside.

These days, I have an uncanny habit of finding what I love reading from my palm. Phone. Oh! I am still moaning the loss of my phone. I know you tried to reach me the other day. Hence had to contact small bro.

Am trying out something new ma. From the rocky terrains that dad used so much to restore into cultivable land, you wake up every morning. You, ma have made a name out of yourself in those streets.

Those places don’t deserve the Twitter phrase ‘those streets’. It’s a hamlet for heaven’s sake. It’s a community that comes to life once villagers have got out of the lonely mud walled houses that characterize the humble dwellings people live in. Everyone knows everyone.

I know they look up to you because you have been an ‘employer’ for quite some time. Oh! What do those villagers say, that he works in town with nothing to show for what he has achieved?

Ma, I lost my phone in circumstances you would not be in affirmation of. I lost my phone because they get lost and I wrote about it here.

First things first. Ultimately, I will buy a phone. An analogue one that does not attract kleptomaniacs. One that befits my new-found status. An unemployed jobseeker. Because I don’t know how I will explain to guys what I do.

You know what ma, you are the only person who has called within the family and asked about my phone. Never mind that the call came almost three weeks after I lost my phone. Two weeks and four days to be precise. My statistical knowledge of rounding off without truncating tells me that it’s now three weeks.

You asked if I am still working? Yeah, I work. Not for a big institution anymore. I read on a blog they are requesting some staff to take up early retirement. Such inhouse affairs should not reach gossip blogs, right.

Then allow me to tell you that from my investment studies, those targeted don’t affect the investor confidence in the bank. I am like a jilted lover. You may say, nosing it up where I was from. Well, we are humans, we ultimately want to know what is happening the other side where we were initially.

Let me also tell you how it feels not to be having a phone ma. It feels like the nineties. I love it this way. You know that technology is integrated in our day to day life, especially the phone. I love the feel of people not having access to me. I also love it that no one is caring that much about me. Not having to text, call, and the internet of things. I still manage to wake up early due to instincts because I have no alarm to wake me up.

Here is a terse odyssey of my first day without a phone after being relieved off my duties for being AWOL. Minnows like us don’t matter that much when we don’t make it to work. In fact, I was just a torn in the flesh to my manager who never seemed to understand me and all that shit.

I decided to go to the famous Arboretum near State House. A nature trail that is gayer than anything on moors. A luxurious, glorious and greeny terrain that has trees that are alive with birds, insects, monkeys and squirrels. I wanted to go and meditate near the soothing sounds of a flowing river. I wanted to savor the sound so that it creates a sense of inner peace.

The pure white noise that I take for granted. It was going to be subtle experience to ease tinnitus and improve my concentration. Apparently, the sound of falling and gurgling water is no longer free if you don’t have a phone. And for that matter, Mpesa. I wanted to go and calm down and probably fall asleep. Guess what? It never came to be.

Well, ma the place I used to access free of charge while in campus is now only accessible by paying for entry via Mpesa. I had no phone, therefore no Mpesa and no entry.

I walked back feeling abused and weary. That I had walked all the way only to be told that I can access the place only after electronically paying for entry. What do these people want my phone number for? But we are living in a world where people thrive on data. My only question is, why only Mpesa.

That is how I never managed to gain entry. So my hard cash never mattered. Obviously, Uhuru Park came to my rescue. And I passed next to that cube I used to reside in while living in the suburbs. I felt nothing ma.

There is no way I would have put my mind into a thought process afterwards. But here’s a catch.

When you have nothing that goes on in your mind. You develop a sense of self efface. You can even have suicidal thoughts. What’s more, nobody cares anyway. People only care when they gain from you, or in worst case scenarios, when you are about to be interred.

Fair enough, let me now change the vibe.

The other night, I felt that ka thing we feel when we see a person in a poor state of health.  I felt like an emotional roller coaster had taken over me. I even cried and slept knowing that you are experiencing a medical crisis. You voice though, still clear and authentic. But your health and body, it betrays the voice.

Then I remembered how you used to struggle with dad when he used to have those nose bleeding moments when I was a toddler and he had to go for a surgery. Now you only have him and he has you. He may not know how to be the best but still ensures he turns to the occasion every time you are sickling.

Ma, I don’t know how it feels to be that sick. The way dad explained it. The medication had an allergic effect on your body. And I could see it when I last saw you.

I felt sad but had to hold back the tears. At some point, when I saw you, I saw someone who was on the verge of going. But you are a strong woman and has seen worse. Well, because he is with you and knows best, I still carve out time to engage in other stuff other than thinking about your state of health.

Perhaps you are probably wondering whether your son is normal. You have never seen him with a lady, or he has never hinted at a relationship with one. Well, I am still single and chasing after the wind with a certain girl I should not even be chasing. She is my friend’s former girlfriend.

She had a birthday this week. She had wanted me to take her for an Italian cuisine this Friday. But I have gone chini ya maji because of issues finances. Lakini ntampeleka tu. Plus, I know how it feels when the person who should have wished you a happy birthday never does so. Well, I don’t have a phone. That’s my excuse. She knows about that. Hence, she can’t take any offence.

Now you know I am not having that ‘homo’ thing in me. Let me also tell you that there are others who have shown interest in me. Yet I never develop that deeper intimate relationship. I hence forget about them then remember later when their emotions have waned. But I am also to blame because I never tell them my feeling about them.

Now you know.

Moving forward. I don’t know how to tell you this, but I don’t think I am interested in getting married or kids any soon. Well, like Ngugi wa Thiongo said, ‘I marry when I want’.

Let me also take this opportunity to tell you this, I am not sure of what my results will be in the exams, but as days pass, I become more pessimistic.

Ma, I have been thinking about relocating. I don’t know where but essentially where the is more peace and seclusion. Then I will come back. In the meantime, I fear how to go about the whole issue.

I know that you felt disappointed when you heard that I no longer work. Let me try to explain. Sales, mum is a calling. Just like writing they say. It should come natural or you may force it.

The best part is that I had prepared you psychologically for the event. I never made any progress in life other than blog posts and reminisces of the job. Sales was tricky. It was even hard when I combined it with my studies.

It made me feel less of a person. When I look back, I realize that there is so much you can do other than being a salesperson. I have now taken advantage of Edx. It’s a free online learning platform when you are not interested in certificates to show that you have studied a particular course. One day I will introduce your other son when he has outdone his love for FIFA.

Ma am still employed. But I have not got to that level where I can be entrusted with the company email. You know what, when I make this blog professional, I will have mine email.

I know many people take company email for granted but I am envious of them. Does that matter? Not very much. It’s just that I would have loved to have one when time comes. One more thing, I still have my pleb’s email.

Here is something else.

I have a feeling that you pray for me and my siblings to one day get out of the desolation and have proper jobs. I think happiness in life outweighs even the best job with the most competitive compensation package in the world. I also pray for your quick recovery in these times when you have no medical cover.

Seek thee the kingdom of happiness and all else shall be added unto you is my mantra. Once you are happy. It becomes easy to build on confidence and act on prevailing opportunities. Right?

Ma, I hate to say this but I hate when people advise me to apply for internships. It is said that it is a sure way to getting employed. You get skills that employers need. That the exposure is very material.

I will digress. Getting a job has more to do with being very good in what you do so much so that you become a prized possession an employer cannot let go of or the other way around. Again, there is the aspect of trial and error for a newbie like me in the area I want to venture in. It may take long but not forever. In the meantime, I am honing my skills.

But here’s something nice that you would love to hear. I have been up to date in my financial obligations in terms of paying for the groups we share and as such, I am not financially in a quagmire. Only that the big bucks have refused to come through.

Albeit the current moments seem unpromising, the future is bright. I can tell without doubt. You will pona and I will get a job. I will endeavour to beat the ideology that is there are no good jobs for plebs. In the meantime, I am working on getting my grove back.

Finally, it’s that time of the script to wrap things up. Time to tell you that I love you ma for being the woman in my life. Though I rarely ever call to tell you that. Those kibokos you gave me helped in a way. I am proud of you and as you struggle to make ends meet like I am doing this other side, I am pretty sure that one day, you shall reap the fruits of your labour for the sacrifice that cost you and you know where.

Hasta La Vista Baby.

[Photo Source: Google Images]