SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

Sometimes I want to sound poetic, but I am lonely and experience shards of hope to rekindle the erstwhile joie de vivre. Well, my mind is kind of entwined with so much that when I try to let loose, I feel I should not give up my creativity that keeps on abating.

As such, I am experiencing some inertia with regard to being artistic and thinking outside the box. Truth is, I am this bloke who is kind of a rebel, no, am not a rebel, am the type who conforms and when things don’t work my way, I digress and leave without a word.

Self-definition has eluded me. It’s like I am on a journey of discovery with sojourns interlacing the voyage. A situation where I actually don’t know where I am headed but still brave the storm. The truth is that there are times I get lonely. I spend most of my days alone. Away from people, and it’s countless times. Déjà vu. I love loneliness, sometimes. You get to miss people and they get to miss you.

Mulling over my ideas, they sound antiquated. Yet we live in the 21^st century. Am really trying hard to get things right but it’s not working out. I love it when I am like a calm sea with so much happening inside. I hate it when people are able to read my mind.

Take google for instance, it sometimes knows what’s on my mind when I am googling and that is not funny. Who the blady hell told them that I was searching for what they suggested. Did they read my mind? This clairvoyance is getting into my nerves. Looks like I will have to stop googling. Lies. The only addiction I need to kill is this thing of googling. I have many others. It’s virtually impossible to do it when you have internet and free time after working.

Working online makes me sleepless at night. Dry eyes, insomnia and this thrill of wanting to work. I am a worker and not an employee. A worker works, an employee gets paid even if he does not work. Currently, I am having skewed or intermittent slumber in a bid to make money. I am now driven by money more than ever before. I must admit that I was not like this before. Have I forgotten my purpose? The burnout, exhaustion and incongruence. I need my me back. The guy with a bubbly persona full of life and ambition.

Not sleeping for continuous eight hours makes me drab because I live a mechanized life that is kind of robotic. I sometimes sleep for two hours and wake up during the daytime and when I try to continue sleeping, I hit point insomnia, so I just get out of bed. Worse is my alarm has this excruciating sound I just have to wake up those times I have set it.


In the meantime there is nothing retro that super excites my life because I am a lone ranger. I tell myself that when the weekend comes, I will drift away in a never-ending dream to sleep my body out having denied it this need. As a result, there is unceasing tension that has developed on the sides of my head behind the ears. I am feeling like I have migraines. I should drink more water, walk, eat fruits, meditate and exercise. If I was to rate how ergonomically I am, I would say that I have been drooping at a very slight rate.

My proletariat life has been one full of ups and downs. The truth is that employers usually want a wholistic individual when in actual sense we have this inadequacies that we lie about in order to get a job.

I have been looking for work because this online thingy is not my love like I thought. I feel inadequate and like a carousel that is a means to an end. I am hence searching online to find a matching job. Somewhere I can apply the skills and knowledge gained. They are rotting and I feel tired rejuvenating what I may not use. You see, like the average bloke, I have been sending my CV and a copy pasted cover letter to various firms that I would be interested in working at. The copy pastes and terse resume has been a wide of the mark. Perhaps, I need to restrategize.

Like everyone else, I have been receiving sterile canned automatic “We’ve received your application and will be in touch shortly” responses that elate me when I read. Did I say elate, oh boy, what’s even the right word to use? That they will look into my CV and respond appropriately within a certain time frame. Can’t this programmed responses give a job seeker a reason to smile having spent time pouring your heart out in crafting a winning cover letter and self descriptive resume.

The truth is that am only applying for specific jobs because I am testing whether I can secure an interview which has been elusive given that I have the knowledge. The last time I attended an interview, I knew they were doing what I call ‘fake interview’. When I read the body language of the panel, it was lackadaisical. My guts told me things were not straight. I felt like they just wanted to pad out the candidate roster they had prepared in order to get approval to hire someone they had already chosen beforehand. At the end of the day, a pointless corporate policy had to be satisfied by buggers like us. I felt it was a total waste of my time and energy and the corporate weenies time.

Let’s face it, we all feel used when we take time to do presentations that are draining in terms of writing scripts to please an interviewer, doing PowerPoint presentations and spending a night rehearsing how to answer interview questions only to be asked mediocre and substandard questions that make you feel like you attended a joke for an interview.

Luckily, I have never been called to fill the shoes of an already rejected post.

It is not professional however when you finish an interview, you are told that they will get back, then they never call back or even send a regret email. I wish there was honesty from corporations that need employees. Sometimes you are taken through a rigorous process only for it to turn out that the employer was actually in need of free consultation from an individual like you. Luckily, sales wired me for rejection. That all is not lost because being the drivers of the economy, employers know who will perfectly fit when given a task to accomplish.

I am in like my fourth job. Three years down the line after finishing campus, I am still struggling to make an impact in my own life, finding a stable job that is. I feel inadequate and wasted. But what life has taught me in those three years has more than double what I have learnt in school for more than three quarters of my life.

The experience that I have got, the rejection that I have experienced, the battles that I conquered, the women that have slipped away and the people I have disappointed. I think I should rejuvenate the former personality of mine that was carefree. One that never got embarrassed or was afraid to take the bull by its horns amid the vexations of life.

Life at the end of a day is a journey. It is well told with words and pictures come in to accentuate what it truly is. So, when it is all said and done, we all shall sleep. Let me sleep now.

Hasta la vista baby.

[Picture Source: Google Images]