 |
As
I type these unsavory words on the keys, I feel emaciated regarding the
inceptive peptic feeling I had when I embarked on a certain journey. That I
have sank deeper and deeper into emptiness and apathy is a stigma I cannot explain.
I have this invincible feeling that makes me kind of miserable. I feel like I
want to express my feelings sincerely, but I cannot. Diction is elusive.
You
see, I keep on bawling like a baby and throwing tantrums like a toddler in my
quest for attaining things. Which makes it hard for me to get a grip on my own
mind. I feel desolate and want to childishly say, ‘I want my mummy.’
Every
negative emotion is buried before I can even feel it, making me passive and
weak and every other feeling is crammed into my chest. Problem is, that space
is getting so full, so much harder to ignore. Some inner pain is bottling up
and I feel like I want to release the internal pressure that is astronomically turgid.
Even my personal happiness is tinged with sadness. I find myself caught between feelings so
antagonistic to one another.
How
do I defuse this bomb without triggering the damage I seek to avoid?
I
think it’s legit to fail. Like every other soul, I fear failure. That is why it
took me more time than ever to sit down and pen this post that was haunting
like the spirits of the dead are which I feel are roaming where I am, walking
around as ghosts. In my small room making me have hellish dreams that are
unimaginable. Slowly, it is sinking in. That, yes, at some point in life,
failure is a must whether we prepare for the feat or not.
I
had been waiting for my CFA results but I was having this mixed kind of
feeling. I was scared and equally confident even though pessimism was at a
higher percentage than expected.
About
a year ago, I wrote about the feeling of passing CFA exams here. A year later,
am writing about failing. Yes, I failed and I must admit that I rest the blame
entirely on my lack of preparing well and greed for petty money that never
helped me out in any way. I cannot account for anything worthwhile out of the
cash anyway.
As I had intimated before, I was cynical about
the results after sitting for my exams. I knew I had not given my all in terms
of the requisite preparation required to sit the exam. I was wobbly somehow.
Looking
back, it has been a lesson well learnt. That it is only responsible to go to a
battle well-armed to the teeth and never leave anything to chance for the enemy
to detect the loopholes if any and use it to disadvantage you. And in the event
they detect sloppiness, you have a fall back plan that resuscitates the battle
and you bounce back with an epic resurgence.
I
must admit that I prepared well for the enemy given that I was average in terms
of the scores that I had in my final results. The only problem was that I never
put my skills into use before going to face the enemy. I never did pilot
editions, auto simulation and trial and error mockups in my quest to conquer. I
was ill prepared because of fear. Fear is bad.
I
must admit that I was not as thorough as I should have been. The extent to
which I had whet my intellectual acumen was not as nimble.
There
were many days I wasted on the run up to the exam engaging in futile trivialities.
But the biggest reason why I was ill prepared was because of being stressed. Especially
at the workplace. I only revised consistently for only a week. Which is not
adequate.
I
was stressed out in my job. I have come to learn that a sedentary lifestyle is
crucial if you are preparing for an exam. If you are up and about, chances are
you will never be settled and ready to tackle an exam without having trouble in
executing that which you wanted to achieve effortlessly without I wish I knew.
Now
I have this heuristic feeling that has made me strong.
When
I was preparing for the exam, I never took into consideration the revision part
which is very crucial. I was adamant in revising using questions preferring to
dwell on notes as opposed to doing similar exam questions to prepare myself for
what lay ahead.
The
truth is that I read everything that I was required to, twice. Unfortunately,
when it came to the questions bit, I never took them seriously. I thought I was
a genius. Therefore, there was no need to dwell into questions because I could
use my mind to piece up those that I never understood.
I
remember a certain friend telling me that there is a high likelihood of passing
the exam if you guess rightly by doing so intelligently. I really laughed
and told him to guess in two exams because they are closed ended questions and he ended up scoring only a third of the questions correctly. I had disputed
his assumption and it turned out right.
There
is nothing as demanding as preparing for a CFA exam. It is a mere six-hour exam
that makes you a social recluse and an academic nerd that whether you pass it
or not, you know where the shoe pinches.
I
did fear taking exams to gauge myself on where I was strong and in instances
where I was week. Plus, I was using a computer and using it proved kind of
tricky for revision purposes especially when doing scenario based questions.
Lesson learnt, the antiquated way of revision still outdoes using softs. It is best
way to you use papers and books to read and revise as opposed to using
computers and phones because the radiation effect may transpire.
I
barely did two exams before taking the main exam. Which I never even finshed. I
did one and failed disastrously and thought of focusing on mastery of the notes
as opposed to trying out other exams. That was another receipt of a havoc in
wait. CFA is a question based exam and the many you can tackle correctly with
ease set by different course providers, the better for you as an individual
because you will be able to get the gist of the content.
The
exam bit was my weakness because they essentially help in testing knowledge that is
presumed you have got through studying the coursework. It did measure my
knowledge and the truth is that I was deficient in making it to the few who
passed it successfully.
Would
have favourable results changed my fate? I doubt. There is no employer who recognizes
the value of an employee who only has knowledge unless the skills and knowledge
result in revenue on the part of the employer. Hence you may have knowledge but
if it takes time for it to be fruitful, then you are as good as a waste. Which
is not essentially true.
During
the exam, which I did and though was not that hard as I had thought, I felt
like I was preparing for the wrong questions. While the questions I was
tackling were direct and straight forward, those that I had used for revision
were complicated and too much time consuming I felt that I did not need them
for my revision purposes. Little did I know that they were crucial for the
ultimate goal of doing the real exams that is graded and can help or may not
help in later life.
When
I finished the papers, I instantly knew that I was having a fifty-fifty chance
of passing the exams. And truth be told, I had been praying silently that the
exams be favourable owing to the many hours I had put into study and the nights
I had decided not to go and party. But critically looking at the hours, I was
not as thorough as I should have been in optimizing them to the fullest.
There
was Whatsapp that was a distracting tenet, and the need to play Candy crash
when I was bored. I never pushed myself to the limit this time round like I had
when I was doing my level one exams. I should have pressed hard. I should have
revised more. I should have dedicated more time not reading like a stuttering
preacher reads the bible but spent more weeks answering exam questions. My
memory capacity then could not be able to retrieve the prior information and
put it into good use in answering the exam.
Then
the day for receiving the exams came and I was eagerly waiting like my friends
were. There is a friend who I knew would not pass exam owing to the fact that
he had not revised as he should have for exam. He did a mere three weeks for
revision which is abnormal because he studied for one and half months for the
course work. I remember see him struggle and I knew he was a disaster in
waiting.
The
morning when the results were to be mailed, I went and check my mail but found
nothing. Yet the actual time for transmission was 0900hrs ET time. During the
rest of the day, I kept on refreshing my mail and it was not until around eight
in the night when I woke up from a siesta to find my results and the regret
message that I was more than expecting.
I
should say that in the event that I could have passed that exam, then I would
have been a genius. I would have screamed my heart out for the entire world to
know I had been victorious. Because I was doing two jobs, and reading at the
same time. But it was not to be because I ended up failing and I had crafted my
own casket. They say as you make your bed, so you must lie on it. I am lying on
the after effects of my own making in failure.
Since
I normally work at night, that day I felt disheveled and weak. Yes, it was eminent
but the truth is that we all expect good results at the end of the day. Chances
are, I would have worked better and energetic would I have received good
results. At that moment, my eyes started becoming glazed with a glassy layer of
tears and they almost slid from my cheeks but I courageously snuffled. It’s not
like my life would end if I did not pass. I was too sad to I wanted cry out and
wail. I felt a burden had clogged on my system because it had choked the little
hope I had out of my heart.
I
felt like I wanted to sleep. Yet I could not slumber once in bed. Thoughts were
like a carousel in my head. To kill the antipathy, I remember calling my
friends and they intimated how they could not work that day. Well as opposed to
them, I was able to work until emotions raged high because I could not be able
to find work online and my hourly earnings were plummeting at an evanescent
rate which made me want to crash the computer because I have got this temper. I
decided to go and sleep it off. To forget about the sorrows, the sacrifices,
the friends I have lost and the job I would have been in had I not been so much
focused on the exam at the expense of exam.
Now
I have learnt it the hard and better way. I will devote time like in my quest
to nail level two like I devoted time for level one. I have learnt how to be
dedicated and stick to rote come what may. I think passing the exam is not as
important as what it inculcates and the knowledge you gain. While it would have
boosted my ego, prepared me for the next phase that is the final leg, it has
taught me more in my everyday life.
In
the event that I had passed, I would have gone to the next stage with some braggadocio
buoyed by the fact that I can do two jobs and still focus on studies and pass.
Wrong. You cannot have three competing fledglings happening at once and you
expect that you can juggle them successfully. At the end of the day, you will
lose one, two or all.
I
ended losing the few friends that I had after that. Someday, years from now
when I will finish my CFA exams because I am planning to finish it come what
may, I will rekindle the friendship if it can be rejuvenated. I feel like I
have lost a lot. Nobody even calls to say hi even though I bought a phone. Even
my immediate kith and kin that include my mum and dad have gone mute. I have
not told them about the results and will tell them later on when I feel philanthropic
enough.
Even
the gal I used to talk to who was a soul mate went mum and I think she will
never talk to me again soon because she is the type who catches feelings but
never admits that she feels let down. And she will not blink first, neither will
I.Both egotistical individuals who fear expressing their minds or letting go of the pride. Apparently, she is the type who asks how was your day when you call because she thinks she needs to know what happened. I once told her I took a certain lady for lunch and I could tell in her voice that she was not happy about it. That's it.
I
bet we all go through this life’s moments. They are what make us strong. I know
this is a season I will overcome. In the meantime, I will continue praying till
something happens.
Hasta
La Vista Baby
[Picture
Source: My own].
