PREPARING FOR DISAPPOINTMENT

As I type these unsavory words on the keys, I feel emaciated regarding the inceptive peptic feeling I had when I embarked on a certain journey. That I have sank deeper and deeper into emptiness and apathy is a stigma I cannot explain. I have this invincible feeling that makes me kind of miserable. I feel like I want to express my feelings sincerely, but I cannot. Diction is elusive.

You see, I keep on bawling like a baby and throwing tantrums like a toddler in my quest for attaining things. Which makes it hard for me to get a grip on my own mind. I feel desolate and want to childishly say, ‘I want my mummy.’

Every negative emotion is buried before I can even feel it, making me passive and weak and every other feeling is crammed into my chest. Problem is, that space is getting so full, so much harder to ignore. Some inner pain is bottling up and I feel like I want to release the internal pressure that is astronomically turgid. Even my personal happiness is tinged with sadness. I  find myself caught between feelings so antagonistic to one another.

How do I defuse this bomb without triggering the damage I seek to avoid?

I think it’s legit to fail. Like every other soul, I fear failure. That is why it took me more time than ever to sit down and pen this post that was haunting like the spirits of the dead are which I feel are roaming where I am, walking around as ghosts. In my small room making me have hellish dreams that are unimaginable. Slowly, it is sinking in. That, yes, at some point in life, failure is a must whether we prepare for the feat or not.

I had been waiting for my CFA results but I was having this mixed kind of feeling. I was scared and equally confident even though pessimism was at a higher percentage than expected.

About a year ago, I wrote about the feeling of passing CFA exams here. A year later, am writing about failing. Yes, I failed and I must admit that I rest the blame entirely on my lack of preparing well and greed for petty money that never helped me out in any way. I cannot account for anything worthwhile out of the cash anyway.

 As I had intimated before, I was cynical about the results after sitting for my exams. I knew I had not given my all in terms of the requisite preparation required to sit the exam. I was wobbly somehow.

Looking back, it has been a lesson well learnt. That it is only responsible to go to a battle well-armed to the teeth and never leave anything to chance for the enemy to detect the loopholes if any and use it to disadvantage you. And in the event they detect sloppiness, you have a fall back plan that resuscitates the battle and you bounce back with an epic resurgence.

I must admit that I prepared well for the enemy given that I was average in terms of the scores that I had in my final results. The only problem was that I never put my skills into use before going to face the enemy. I never did pilot editions, auto simulation and trial and error mockups in my quest to conquer. I was ill prepared because of fear. Fear is bad.

I must admit that I was not as thorough as I should have been. The extent to which I had whet my intellectual acumen was not as nimble.

There were many days I wasted on the run up to the exam engaging in futile trivialities. But the biggest reason why I was ill prepared was because of being stressed. Especially at the workplace. I only revised consistently for only a week. Which is not adequate.

I was stressed out in my job. I have come to learn that a sedentary lifestyle is crucial if you are preparing for an exam. If you are up and about, chances are you will never be settled and ready to tackle an exam without having trouble in executing that which you wanted to achieve effortlessly without I wish I knew.

Now I have this heuristic feeling that has made me strong.

When I was preparing for the exam, I never took into consideration the revision part which is very crucial. I was adamant in revising using questions preferring to dwell on notes as opposed to doing similar exam questions to prepare myself for what lay ahead.

The truth is that I read everything that I was required to, twice. Unfortunately, when it came to the questions bit, I never took them seriously. I thought I was a genius. Therefore, there was no need to dwell into questions because I could use my mind to piece up those that I never understood.

I remember a certain friend telling me that there is a high likelihood of passing the exam if you guess rightly by doing so intelligently. I really laughed and told him to guess in two exams because they are closed ended questions and he ended up scoring only a third of the questions correctly. I had disputed his assumption and it turned out right.

There is nothing as demanding as preparing for a CFA exam. It is a mere six-hour exam that makes you a social recluse and an academic nerd that whether you pass it or not, you know where the shoe pinches.

I did fear taking exams to gauge myself on where I was strong and in instances where I was week. Plus, I was using a computer and using it proved kind of tricky for revision purposes especially when doing scenario based questions. Lesson learnt, the antiquated way of revision still outdoes using softs. It is best way to you use papers and books to read and revise as opposed to using computers and phones because the radiation effect may transpire.

I barely did two exams before taking the main exam. Which I never even finshed. I did one and failed disastrously and thought of focusing on mastery of the notes as opposed to trying out other exams. That was another receipt of a havoc in wait. CFA is a question based exam and the many you can tackle correctly with ease set by different course providers, the better for you as an individual because you will be able to get the gist of the content.

The exam bit was my weakness because they  essentially help in testing knowledge that is presumed you have got through studying the coursework. It did measure my knowledge and the truth is that I was deficient in making it to the few who passed it successfully.

Would have favourable results changed my fate? I doubt. There is no employer who recognizes the value of an employee who only has knowledge unless the skills and knowledge result in revenue on the part of the employer. Hence you may have knowledge but if it takes time for it to be fruitful, then you are as good as a waste. Which is not essentially true.

During the exam, which I did and though was not that hard as I had thought, I felt like I was preparing for the wrong questions. While the questions I was tackling were direct and straight forward, those that I had used for revision were complicated and too much time consuming I felt that I did not need them for my revision purposes. Little did I know that they were crucial for the ultimate goal of doing the real exams that is graded and can help or may not help in later life.

When I finished the papers, I instantly knew that I was having a fifty-fifty chance of passing the exams. And truth be told, I had been praying silently that the exams be favourable owing to the many hours I had put into study and the nights I had decided not to go and party. But critically looking at the hours, I was not as thorough as I should have been in optimizing them to the fullest.

There was Whatsapp that was a distracting tenet, and the need to play Candy crash when I was bored. I never pushed myself to the limit this time round like I had when I was doing my level one exams. I should have pressed hard. I should have revised more. I should have dedicated more time not reading like a stuttering preacher reads the bible but spent more weeks answering exam questions. My memory capacity then could not be able to retrieve the prior information and put it into good use in answering the exam.

Then the day for receiving the exams came and I was eagerly waiting like my friends were. There is a friend who I knew would not pass exam owing to the fact that he had not revised as he should have for exam. He did a mere three weeks for revision which is abnormal because he studied for one and half months for the course work. I remember see him struggle and I knew he was a disaster in waiting.

The morning when the results were to be mailed, I went and check my mail but found nothing. Yet the actual time for transmission was 0900hrs ET time. During the rest of the day, I kept on refreshing my mail and it was not until around eight in the night when I woke up from a siesta to find my results and the regret message that I was more than expecting.

I should say that in the event that I could have passed that exam, then I would have been a genius. I would have screamed my heart out for the entire world to know I had been victorious. Because I was doing two jobs, and reading at the same time. But it was not to be because I ended up failing and I had crafted my own casket. They say as you make your bed, so you must lie on it. I am lying on the after effects of my own making in failure.

Since I normally work at night, that day I felt disheveled and weak. Yes, it was eminent but the truth is that we all expect good results at the end of the day. Chances are, I would have worked better and energetic would I have received good results. At that moment, my eyes started becoming glazed with a glassy layer of tears and they almost slid from my cheeks but I courageously snuffled. It’s not like my life would end if I did not pass. I was too sad to I wanted cry out and wail. I felt a burden had clogged on my system because it had choked the little hope I had out of my heart.

I felt like I wanted to sleep. Yet I could not slumber once in bed. Thoughts were like a carousel in my head. To kill the antipathy, I remember calling my friends and they intimated how they could not work that day. Well as opposed to them, I was able to work until emotions raged high because I could not be able to find work online and my hourly earnings were plummeting at an evanescent rate which made me want to crash the computer because I have got this temper. I decided to go and sleep it off. To forget about the sorrows, the sacrifices, the friends I have lost and the job I would have been in had I not been so much focused on the exam at the expense of exam.

Now I have learnt it the hard and better way. I will devote time like in my quest to nail level two like I devoted time for level one. I have learnt how to be dedicated and stick to rote come what may. I think passing the exam is not as important as what it inculcates and the knowledge you gain. While it would have boosted my ego, prepared me for the next phase that is the final leg, it has taught me more in my everyday life.

In the event that I had passed, I would have gone to the next stage with some braggadocio buoyed by the fact that I can do two jobs and still focus on studies and pass. Wrong. You cannot have three competing fledglings happening at once and you expect that you can juggle them successfully. At the end of the day, you will lose one, two or all.

I ended losing the few friends that I had after that. Someday, years from now when I will finish my CFA exams because I am planning to finish it come what may, I will rekindle the friendship if it can be rejuvenated. I feel like I have lost a lot. Nobody even calls to say hi even though I bought a phone. Even my immediate kith and kin that include my mum and dad have gone mute. I have not told them about the results and will tell them later on when I feel philanthropic enough.

Even the gal I used to talk to who was a soul mate went mum and I think she will never talk to me again soon because she is the type who catches feelings but never admits that she feels let down. And she will not blink first, neither will I.Both egotistical individuals who fear expressing their minds or letting go of the pride. Apparently, she is the type who asks how was your day when you call because she thinks she needs to know what happened. I once told her I took a certain lady for lunch and I could tell in her voice that she was not happy about it. That's it.

I bet we all go through this life’s moments. They are what make us strong. I know this is a season I will overcome. In the meantime, I will continue praying till something happens.

Hasta La Vista Baby

[Picture Source: My own].

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SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

Sometimes I want to sound poetic, but I am lonely and experience shards of hope to rekindle the erstwhile joie de vivre. Well, my mind is kind of entwined with so much that when I try to let loose, I feel I should not give up my creativity that keeps on abating.

As such, I am experiencing some inertia with regard to being artistic and thinking outside the box. Truth is, I am this bloke who is kind of a rebel, no, am not a rebel, am the type who conforms and when things don’t work my way, I digress and leave without a word.

Self-definition has eluded me. It’s like I am on a journey of discovery with sojourns interlacing the voyage. A situation where I actually don’t know where I am headed but still brave the storm. The truth is that there are times I get lonely. I spend most of my days alone. Away from people, and it’s countless times. Déjà vu. I love loneliness, sometimes. You get to miss people and they get to miss you.

Mulling over my ideas, they sound antiquated. Yet we live in the 21^st century. Am really trying hard to get things right but it’s not working out. I love it when I am like a calm sea with so much happening inside. I hate it when people are able to read my mind.

Take google for instance, it sometimes knows what’s on my mind when I am googling and that is not funny. Who the blady hell told them that I was searching for what they suggested. Did they read my mind? This clairvoyance is getting into my nerves. Looks like I will have to stop googling. Lies. The only addiction I need to kill is this thing of googling. I have many others. It’s virtually impossible to do it when you have internet and free time after working.

Working online makes me sleepless at night. Dry eyes, insomnia and this thrill of wanting to work. I am a worker and not an employee. A worker works, an employee gets paid even if he does not work. Currently, I am having skewed or intermittent slumber in a bid to make money. I am now driven by money more than ever before. I must admit that I was not like this before. Have I forgotten my purpose? The burnout, exhaustion and incongruence. I need my me back. The guy with a bubbly persona full of life and ambition.

Not sleeping for continuous eight hours makes me drab because I live a mechanized life that is kind of robotic. I sometimes sleep for two hours and wake up during the daytime and when I try to continue sleeping, I hit point insomnia, so I just get out of bed. Worse is my alarm has this excruciating sound I just have to wake up those times I have set it.


In the meantime there is nothing retro that super excites my life because I am a lone ranger. I tell myself that when the weekend comes, I will drift away in a never-ending dream to sleep my body out having denied it this need. As a result, there is unceasing tension that has developed on the sides of my head behind the ears. I am feeling like I have migraines. I should drink more water, walk, eat fruits, meditate and exercise. If I was to rate how ergonomically I am, I would say that I have been drooping at a very slight rate.

My proletariat life has been one full of ups and downs. The truth is that employers usually want a wholistic individual when in actual sense we have this inadequacies that we lie about in order to get a job.

I have been looking for work because this online thingy is not my love like I thought. I feel inadequate and like a carousel that is a means to an end. I am hence searching online to find a matching job. Somewhere I can apply the skills and knowledge gained. They are rotting and I feel tired rejuvenating what I may not use. You see, like the average bloke, I have been sending my CV and a copy pasted cover letter to various firms that I would be interested in working at. The copy pastes and terse resume has been a wide of the mark. Perhaps, I need to restrategize.

Like everyone else, I have been receiving sterile canned automatic “We’ve received your application and will be in touch shortly” responses that elate me when I read. Did I say elate, oh boy, what’s even the right word to use? That they will look into my CV and respond appropriately within a certain time frame. Can’t this programmed responses give a job seeker a reason to smile having spent time pouring your heart out in crafting a winning cover letter and self descriptive resume.

The truth is that am only applying for specific jobs because I am testing whether I can secure an interview which has been elusive given that I have the knowledge. The last time I attended an interview, I knew they were doing what I call ‘fake interview’. When I read the body language of the panel, it was lackadaisical. My guts told me things were not straight. I felt like they just wanted to pad out the candidate roster they had prepared in order to get approval to hire someone they had already chosen beforehand. At the end of the day, a pointless corporate policy had to be satisfied by buggers like us. I felt it was a total waste of my time and energy and the corporate weenies time.

Let’s face it, we all feel used when we take time to do presentations that are draining in terms of writing scripts to please an interviewer, doing PowerPoint presentations and spending a night rehearsing how to answer interview questions only to be asked mediocre and substandard questions that make you feel like you attended a joke for an interview.

Luckily, I have never been called to fill the shoes of an already rejected post.

It is not professional however when you finish an interview, you are told that they will get back, then they never call back or even send a regret email. I wish there was honesty from corporations that need employees. Sometimes you are taken through a rigorous process only for it to turn out that the employer was actually in need of free consultation from an individual like you. Luckily, sales wired me for rejection. That all is not lost because being the drivers of the economy, employers know who will perfectly fit when given a task to accomplish.

I am in like my fourth job. Three years down the line after finishing campus, I am still struggling to make an impact in my own life, finding a stable job that is. I feel inadequate and wasted. But what life has taught me in those three years has more than double what I have learnt in school for more than three quarters of my life.

The experience that I have got, the rejection that I have experienced, the battles that I conquered, the women that have slipped away and the people I have disappointed. I think I should rejuvenate the former personality of mine that was carefree. One that never got embarrassed or was afraid to take the bull by its horns amid the vexations of life.

Life at the end of a day is a journey. It is well told with words and pictures come in to accentuate what it truly is. So, when it is all said and done, we all shall sleep. Let me sleep now.

Hasta la vista baby.

[Picture Source: Google Images]

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ALMOST DOESN'T COUNT

Near success that is elusive can be depressing or energizing. Your approach counts a lot regarding the eventuality. There are times you may reinvigorate the urge and be a perfect ten, or there are situations you may slug and let the endeavour lapse because you gave up hope along the way. Take cognizance that your ten is the benchmark you have set for yourself. Here’s why. Take the lazy me for instance, I have been trying to reach my ten in terms of weekly exercises to no avail. There is a guy who did 100,000 pushups and another 50,000 sit-ups in a year. This looks impractical or pretty simple depending on your date with the home or paid gym.

Well, it’s not. It’s very easy when you break the exercises into a daily activity with goals that are achievable, measurable and within your limit. He wrote that sometimes he did more than he was required and recorded the daily activities so as not to confuse the exact number of reps he had done on a year to date basis. Thus, when he was not feeling like working out, the excess workouts cushioned for those rest days. And he only did the exercises for thirty minutes in a day. Gradually as his muscles got used to the action, he spent less time. As it turns out, he was able to do all the tasks even before the year lapsed. How? As he horned his skills, he found it easy to do more with continuous exercise and the time for doing the initial reps reduced. Obviously, he took small breaks within the reps. Voila, and that is his exercise regimen in a nutshell. Did he reach his ten? Sure, and that means he had to set new targets to be able to outdo his initial perfection. That's a surmise. In short, you can never reach the perfect ten. There is that psychological drill that keeps ringing a bell inciting that you have not reached there yet.

I, on the other hand is struggling with putting my act together in terms of sticking to my rote. I am the wobbly type. Guess money drives me more these days than the sheer urge to ameliorate myself holistically when it comes to doing what I am supposed to do. Let’s say I had dedicated myself by paying for the gym, chances are I would be going without absconding my regimen. Or in a sense was told that once you reach this goal, there is a reward, I am not lying, I swear I would do anything to get it if it involves something within my limit. Even if it means sacrificing that which I love most. Hell, I’ll do it just to satisfy my quest. If I falter along the way, I will say I tried.

Like me, most of us live in this illusory world where we make a lot of castles in the air. I set for myself a target of 5000 pushups and sit-ups but merely did 1000 reps of each. Still, I have an enviable stomach that my sister wishes she had because life is about wanting what another has. Don’t you sometimes envy another person’s body? Worse is when you are trapped in a quandary you feel you should free yourself from but the tenacity to forge on enters a declension. You try your best, and when you cannot make it to that level, you start drooping and like the common Joe or Jane, you make it a lifestyle of sticking to mediocrity.

And that is why majority of us are start things we never finish because we get weary along the way and when you are tepid, you cannot have resurgent forces to give you the desired impetus to get to where you want to be. This paucity is the reason why I am where I am and you are where you are. I am restating the obvious, huh!

 Away from that nonsensical snide, I was introduced to this guy who was from my alma matter and was an outstanding guy academically but was thinking of switching career into the investment industry. He scored a straight A in the nineties or eighties and went on to get a first-class degree in engineering. Damn is that not a feat we all desire academically. And in the workplace, he became extraordinarily good that he could he was almost on equal status with the CEO (his braggadocio not mine). He was the cocky type. Those who think that getting an A and first class gives you that authority of trampling over others. Apparently, my acquaintance had told him that I am candidate in the CFA program and hence he wanted us to talk matters investments. Well, you know that feeling you get when you find someone who you can relate to about something you have in common. I felt that way. It was like reminiscing those days in high school or campus with a guy you have not met in ages.

Let me call this bugger Vaite, it is improper but you have to give it up to him for his larger than life approach towards life. Well, at some point in life and at a certain age, there are things that take a subtle significance in your life. You don’t need to go about telling every other guy you meet that you were a genius in class. I too was one until life happened. Henceforth, I never talk about my achievements in class. There is nothing to smile about them when the same is not reflected in your life. At most, you should inspire others to want to be like you, failure of which you are a loser. That should not mean that you create that mentality. On the contrary, it should come naturally. People should feel like they should want be like you or outdo what you have achieved instead of telling them that they need to ape what you have done.

So, our conversation kicked off concerning the financial crisis that rocked the world in 2007-2008. I am not so much conversant with the reasons that led to its collapse but there was a mention of fixed income and financial derivates that come into play that caused the collapse. In fact, according to the Big Short movie, it is collateralized debt obligation, a type of asset backed security, that led to the financial crisis that rocked most of the West world and Asian Tigers with spillover effects witnessed in African economic powerhouses like Egypt and South Africa.

Without doubt, I respect Vaite and his intellectual acumen. A guy at his age should be thinking of self-actualization and not starting over again in a fitful career. In me opine, he should have been stable, living in his own home, driving a big car and having a stable family. Probably, having a cycle of friends, those we call the ‘whose’. Those whose name you mention, he says that, ‘I know that guy, and he is just a call away’. But after so many years of working overseas, in a South African country, he still lives in an SQ. Please! (you can say that with a socialite attitude and throw arms as you snap those fingers like a certain Arabian girl on Nairobi Diaries).

His flair for knowledge has seen Vaite keep a library of books in finance both in soft copy and hard copy. He told me he can never touch novels or books of such ilk. “Nikianza kusoma novel ntalala within five minutes.” He showed me the numerous eBooks he had on his phone and every book that I mentioned he had. He even showed me the ones he keeps on an app that I am not sure whether it is a source of legit books or they were procured through pirated platforms. I was a little bit aled and never verified the source of the books. Kindle or not, this guy reads like shit.

Well, I must admit that Vaite was sharp. Though there were those noticeable lapses in his peptalk when he started telling me that he does not regard level one and level two as a measure of achievement for a person pursuing CFA. That I felt a wuss is an understatement. He had belittled the efforts I had made in a word and termed that as a walkover for him. He only spoke highly of level three which he had no idea consisted of what. He may be right because he is a book worm. And he got straight A’s in both campus and high school. But here is a catch, you need to be on top of your game when it comes to this program especially the exam. It’s only easy for a bookworm who also develops reclusive tenets to crack it. Again, me opine.

“Mimi nilipata A high school, nikapata kila kitu campus sasa CFA ni nini?”

“Kwanza hio level one na two ni rahisi sana. Unaona hii kitabu ikona 1600 pages na nimesoma yote mara tano na hio ndio level one na two.”

Take cognizance that the two levels have a combined pages of about 6000 pages.

The problem with me is that when you sometimes tell me what I know and you are making assumptions without actual evidence, I normally smile and nod my head in agreement. But the truth is, some things in life need an experience. They don’t require the theoretical aspect.

I remember asking him if he had read Benjamin Graham’s book on value investing and Burton Malkiel’s , ‘A random walk down Wallstreet’.

“Hizo nimesoma mara kumi.” 

At that point, I felt a little bit red. I am still struggling to finish either books more than a year down the line and am stuck because I tell myself that once I buy a tablet, I will easily read the said books. Upus! And here is a guy who has read the books more than ten times I felt like telling him to write a synopsis and hand it over to me.

I was drinking my Tusker Malt and he was imbibing Guinness Kubwa. Only strong men drink Guinness. And he is the type who when he wants to talk to you, he has to pull you closer so that you can listen to what he says. Luckily, hanyeshi akiongea.

Since I had left my drink with my sister to go converse with this larger than life academic realist. I went back to go take my drink as I watched the local DJ mixing using VirtualDJ on the screen mounted on the walls. I then remembered those days when I wanted to be a DJ but the idea ended up in a natural death because of reasons that are surely baseless. I admit it, I am the guy who just loves everything, a Jack of all trades but a master of none. I really admired the way there was symphony in his music. The transition was seamless and delectable given that he was on top of his game with VirtualDJ.

As I was drinking, I noticed a certain lady gyrating to the tune. She had the rangi ya thao complexion, a slender body, a nice figure but not an eight with a small bosom which was almost flat. I could tell that an average body builder or a guy who has kulad nyagus vizuri would outdo her when it comes to matters chest. All in all she has mammary glands. But I loved the way she was dancing to the rhythm. Her slim waist was wiggling effortlessly you would think her body was meant for the music being played. I wanted to dance with her. But there was no space.

When she had had enough, she came and sat directly opposite me sipping her Heineken as she lip-synced to the chorus. I found myself also mirroring her. Well, I was not smitten.  The air was coy. The ambience was that which you cannot throw vibes. She looked like she wanted a chatmate and found that in me. But the music was blaring. I forgot to mention that we were in a local hood pub. Those small ones that don’t host more than thirty people. She started telling me things that I could not be able to hear. When I told her so, she started getting mad. I then moved closer to find out what she was saying but still could not be able to hear her words. I went back to my seat and decided to sip my drink slowly as I listened to music.

When her drink was over, I started noticing that she was having heavy eyes. That is when I remembered she was probably trying to tell me to buy her a drink to continue having those ecstatic moments and dance her heart out. The next thing I saw was her throwing the bottle she had behind her back on the floor and this really infuriated the plump lady waiter who was ready to kick her out for her disorderly behaviour. But the other male waiters calmed her down probably because she is a regular. Within minutes she was crying and her tears were flowing freely I thought she was in her menses. Given that she had a delectable relationship with the DJ, he came and hugged her calming her to stop shedding tears as things will be alright. “Be a big girl and wipe those crocodile tears.” That’s probably what he told her, “Then I will buy you drink, SAWA.”

I left her crying and decided to relocate to share a table with Vaite who had two bottles unopened. He was now talking about the political scene in the country. I loved his analysis, I wanted to join in but restrained my itch. But he was not as robust with matters politics.

Soon some odieros came enmass and sat next to us. A single dude with like ten babes in tow. Damn, I envied this guy. I on the other hand was solo. Because I don’t love drinking with the female folk. They each ordered a Tusker. “Kumbe this guys love Tusker.” Someone said, “I thought they would have ordered Heineken.” And there were some who were billowing cancer sticks with abandon. Well, I noticed a certain odiero who was tall and hard auburn hair with fuller hips and wanted to go tell her, ‘Baby, I am smitten. Can we dance.’ I was starting to get drunk.

We decided to relocate to the house of rhumba. If you start listening to this kind of music. You know what’s up. I was feeling hungry and thought that ka guy wa sausage choma, mayai boilo na smokies was around. I love these because they are readily available. Not like nyam chom which you have to wait for it to be prepared. But with the cholera scare, I bet he had been told to hold his horses until that time when things will go back to normal. Men, even though I had just eaten, I was still feeling some hunger pangs nudging the digestive juices. And by the time I was on my third drink, I was feeling inebriated I never wanted to touch another. Ubaya wa kukaa bila kunywa.

On the table we sat, I saw a guy drinking Balozi. A beer I have a low regard of. I wanted to tell my sister, “Hii ni ile pombe watu maskini hukunywa, plus si ya wazito wenye hupenda kunywa”. But rescinded on making the statement when I noticed that the guy was in talking terms with her. It turns out that he was also the owner of the joint and was probably drinking that beer because of its low alcoholic contents.

His name was Wash. Do you remember the guy who fought with the current Homabay  Town MP and the blogs and mainstream media were awash with the gen on how honourable individuals had resorted to violence by squaring it out on the podium.

                             

“Oh! So, this is the famous Dr. Wash.” I said as he nodded in agreement. In fact, he started showing us the pictures of the fight on his S7. The pictures he had were strategic given that they showed him on top of the MP. There was a scene where the incumbent area governor was trying to save face by arbitrating but clearly, he was far from where the fight was taking place. He told us he was thinking of withdrawing the assault case in court because that was behind him now.

I asked who won and the genesis of the fight. It turned out that it was rather a flimsy reason why they were fighting and that he won given that he was on top of the said MP.

Since we had left Vaite outside, probably ogling at the miros who had started to dance, he came and joined us and started by asking who Wash is. He introduced himself and being the rabid dog, Vaite started telling him that he looked like a crocodile. I could tell that Wash was really enraged but remained calm after being told about the ethnicity of Vaite. Plus, he never wanted to create the impression of the owner who beats up his revelers.

‘Odok ni ng’ani en customer na. Jokono gin ga kamano. Lakini dina goe goch tho.’

To make matters worse, Vaite was telling him that he looked like a crocodile with an elongated mouth like that of a crocodile while also demostarting with his hands how his mouth looked like. Plus, the expletives that he was hurling, you had just to be patient with his F-bombs which he felt nothing about.

Wash also introduced us to his wife. Rumour has it that she was his mpango given that his family is somewhere in Corinthians. The wife also doubled up as the person running the pub. But still, she was a non-independent entity because she was making many decisions based on what her ‘husband’ said. The music that was playing was from Wash’s phone from  Youtube.

I remember Wash talking over the phone and that meant the music had to stop for a while. When he had finished, he told us that the uncle was the one who was on the other end and was drinking in a joint a stone throw away. ‘Huyu anakunywa hapa karibu na nilimwambia niko na pub hapa. Hio pesa yake naihitaji sana. Yeye hapana jua mimi ni mwanabiashara. Na bado atakuja kuniomba pesa.’

I went out to pee and put the car in the right direction so that when I was out, it was just a matter of heading to the digs. Ongoing back found, I found Vaite in slumber land tightly clutching on his drink. Hapo ndio shida zilianza. He said he could not leave without finishing his drink. When we insisted on leaving, being the stubborn type, he emptied his drink on a glass and went with it in the car. You don’t want to imagine what happened on reaching where he lived.

Hasta la vista baby

[Picture Source: Google Images]

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THINKING BIG

Every week, for the past few months, I have been able to cobble up something for this blog. It’s frivolous, I know. Yet it’s also what I can term as a succor. Thought I could write on a full-time basis but I cannot. Hence, I do it on a partime basis and have made Friday my date with the blog. It’s noteworthy to consider that I even did an online course on fundamentals of blogging and search engine optimization and marketing to ameliorate my skills but am still not yet there.

I have been doing some studies on programming and that has gobbled up a huge amount of my time. Programming is fun at first. You find it easy and enjoyable. The codes work and you start wondering why programmers are paid so much for not having to do much other than stay behind the screen scripting something that we take for granted while we are using. As I continue immersing myself in this field of solitude, I am optimistic it will eventually lead to fruition once I have mastered the skill to the core. Sounds silly, well it’s not. Somehow, the process gets protracted as you delve deeper into what you want to do. Frustrations set in and things seem not to work as you start being nerdy with codes. And there is a point where you hit a snag as it gets derailing and pesky. Anon, you furiously fold the computer and take a rest because you have had too much thinking that you will never do it again.

To be truly honest, the field of programming requires a lot of patience. I will try to be as candid as I can in trying to depict a scenario that happened. Let’s jump straight into it. I normally watch a video, read few scripts and blogs then use the knowledge to work out on some tasks and exercises that are online. I am into R programming. Men, it’s crazy. Even the patience to watch the video to the end can thin when you think you are ‘floating’ instead of ‘sinking’ the knowledge being dispensed. I guess that’s probably the reason why I dreaded the thought of programming at first.

When you write a code, you think that RStudio, the program I am using, will execute it and the syntax will turn out to be correct. Hell no. Coding platforms are very sensitive. Let me explain why, say you decided to use capital letters instead of small letters, when you run the codes, you will get an error warning. Again, if you miss something like a comma, the codes will not be submitted smoothly as you thought. So, you may be thinking, but I have written everything correctly. Yet there is an omission of a comma or you used capital letters and because most programs are case sensitive, the execution becomes naught. That is why inspecting codes is a must if you want to run them without experiencing structural problems. Plus, you need to continuously check the codes to be able to ascertain there are no errors failure of which you may built something which ends up malfunctioning at the very end of the project.

First of all, let me explain that I am a novice programmer. I am not even a junior when it comes to programming. Therefore, I really need to harness my potential in this arena on a continuum until a time when I will be fully fully conditioned to get my act right out there. In a nutshell, because I have free time, I am into binge learning. It never hurts to learn, right? Again, I am the bad programmer kind of guy. I am content with the little that I learn from the Datacamp platform I subscribe to and never go beyond the exercises to find out something that would give me an extra edge in terms of the knowledge that I have. Programming is an uphill task that requires a lot of twitches here and there. It’s like learning a new language altogether, to master it you need to practice it. Yet when I think of what I can do by programming. It makes sense to stick for a while to see if things will work out.

Programming requires a scientific mindset. It is not for every Tom, Dick and Harry. The first thing you should have is a problem to solve. That means critically thinking into what you are to do. This means you need to deconstruct the problem and then apply logic to the solution in a structured way to come up with a meaningful outcome. Then you start digging in and doing so much in terms of research to arrive at a solution. The bottom line here is that you require some intrinsic motivation like a soldier fighting for his country in a battlefield. Where, albeit crimson garish flows and cadavers litter the grounds with souls that had long departed with celestial planes to go dance with the spirits and ancestors, the oath of 'no retreat, no surrender' keeps you put.

Either way, one needs to be on top of his game with various tools that give or arrive at the same answer. My assumption is that once you are able to master one tool, you can be able to easily transfer the knowledge into another one seamlessly without much ado. Here is why. Sometimes back, I did a course on web design. Never mind that I never progressed beyond the academic knowledge that I acquired in class. All in all, I could be able to use the knowledge I had learnt in one platform and integrate it into another and it worked. While web development was my first incubation into the world of programming, it became a dodo when I joined campus. I sometimes use the knowledge on this blog occasionally.

The fact that programming is challenging makes me regard it highly. Again, as opposed to sales, the community outside there is super welcoming and you feel like you are not in it alone. It’s strange that as you plunge into this field, there are people who genuinely want to help you with the journey. Talk of sites like Quora, CodeNewbie and an avalanche of others. This is where the slogan of Liverpool fans ‘You’ll never walk alone’ comes in.

Beyond that, it’s only fascinating when the codes that you have scripted run seamlessly and you become better and better. But gain, choosing on what works is the best thing when it comes to programming. You don’t need to bog yourself with hard stuff just to prove to be the guy who can do it when you can reproduce what you were doing on a less stressful platform. The bottom line is that what counts is being able to make mincemeat out of what you are doing. Knowing how to manipulate the variables is another concept that makes it fun when you are coding. Then applying the knowledge in cracking puzzles and solving problems to arrive at a meaningful result is another thing altogether.

For instance, more than a year ago, I came up with a winning formula of how I could be able to win seven-match games with all the possible outcomes in a betting competition. Recently, I saw a ten-game jackpot that I thought can be leveraged on by using the winning formula I had conjured. Yet, the only setback I have been having is the number of people who can be able to play with the bets successfully at a very small price. The interface to use to execute the codes is what has been worrying me for quite some time now.  If only I can come up with a good user interface, it will not be a big deal to find people to subscribe to my bets. That in place I cannot be worried about finances. I will be more concerned with building up on my fortunes henceforth.

As such, I am looking at programming as a tool that can help me to unearth some of the inadequacies of my thoughts. Once I can figure out how to do it, I will comfortably use it to be able to come up with algorithms to find hidden insights without being explicitly programmed where to look to get the winning games. If machine learning can help me out in this, then I am sure things will be a smooth sail.

While creating a machine learning platform for soccer prediction may be superfluous, there is need for one that can read a team’s form before a match on its website, the players who are going to play, past performance and commentator reviews on the stakes of that match. In short, if the program can collect all this useful information and act on it, there is nothing stopping my ambition of turning into an overnight millionaire with a mobile app to quench the thirst of the many guys who love betting.

I am imagining that there are people who will also be betting. Statistics never lie because there are so many people who love betting and that is why there are so many betting platforms. The app through machine leaning will be able to work on the feedback of the people who bet on various games, say it is a jackpot. The app will then review the data and look for patterns and arrive at a conclusion on the best bets given that I already have all the possible outcomes of the games to be played. And it should be such that anyone who uses the platform to look for potential bets will have a customized predictive aspect that will be personalized for individuals who bet. And Monte Carlo simulation ensures that all the possible outcomes of your decisions are thoroughly analyzed depending upon the number of games specified. This will allow for better decision making under uncertainty.

So that is why the fire of my journey into programming has never waned. It rejuvenates like a disappearing river and can be likened to a fad. The best thing is that it gets seasonal nourishment every time I find myself idle. While at present I am into data science programming, my long-term goal is to dive into stocks and private equities. I want to be able to model winning outcomes that take into cognizance a variety of inputs into play only a financial guru can comprehend.

To top it off, this will be a treacherous journey. I am looking at it as a long haul. The only problem is that there is so much at stake. I may get a job that may make me so absorbent in it that this dream may die just like that. In the meantime, the codes I have for a winning game remain a secret gem like those that came to be used later to bring success in hitherto unexploited territory. It’s ilk the secret ingredient that makes Coca Cola tick or the one used by KFC or other big flourishing firms.

Hasta La Vista Baby

[Picture Source: Google Images]

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