HOPE

Against all odds.

Two seasoned colleagues were having some silly banter and I was listening to them in autopilot mode almost chocking with laughter while they were discussing about 'us'. Apparently, we were the latest guys to head hunted for some serious job and we were as such newbies in this out of the world corporation by Kenyan standards. We had to pass like 6 assessments to land this job and that is why we are what we call an elite group of employees. Actually, we are basically machines that reproduce what is already in black and white for analytical purposes by experienced analysts. Someone should teach us programming so that we can be analysts instead of digital transcribers. Even our employer knows that we are wired to work that way and since man must earn, we must get a life by constantly working like all those who make this world a better ( red bitter) place. The little you get is better than nothing at the end of the day. Mbona ukae idle kama kuna kazi hata kama ni peanuts unapewa. Is that not an adage for those who have been looking for gainful employment but can’t find when they find one?


Allow me to allude about a campus graduate I was having a conversation with, she was a girl I knew from my time as a student but she recently graduated. She was like, is the money we are supposed to be earning only enough for transport and rent. Nothing like entertainment or something. In my heart, I remembered how I had ambitions of earning a six figure salary when I had finished high school. Now, I am at the base of that pyramid of life working towards attaining self actualization in the later years of my life. I should have told her that you need to start from a certain point where you cannot be shaken when things go haywire. Obviously, that was an afterthought.

So, this two jamaas were literally talking behind my back and I could hear what they were saying. Let’s call the first dude Simba, and the second dude Picha.

Simba goes, “Kwa hawa watu wapya, ni mtu mgani unaona anakaa daktari daktari hivi, ule jamaa serious kuruka. Anadunga job ni kama hio tu ndio alikujia hapa?” 

My instincts were telling me that they were referring to me because I was seated alone away from guys we had been recruited with because the previous day, they told me they could not concentrate as I was breaking their ribs with constant punches of real anecdotes they thought were probably fabricated or something. I remember a colleague just laughing every other time I said something silly. Like I was telling them that sometimes a stray bullet by the boys in blue may hit you and instead of your family being aggrieved, you end up paying the police for the ammunition they used on you. God forbid, if you die, you end up being a state body before your copse is transferred to a morgue of your family's choice. It is something I saw with a relative who kissed the bullet here in Nairobi for abetting crime. Police were compensated when he was gunned down even though this was a case of mistaken identity. In the end, you sometimes end up saying, 'Ni mapenzi yake Jalali'. But deep down, you hurt and feel like 'shot to kill orders' should be applied to thugs fleeing in a getaway vehicle, not unarmed individuals like this guy who was gunned down even if he was in what police say was attempted robbery.

Another colleague even referred to me as a Mathare case. I had to take cover. I have since moved and love my new home. Away from making guys think I am a court jester. And ever since I moved from them, I have been having success with my earnings. Guess, sometimes we have to hive ourselves off when the going gets tough. Just for a few.

You see, I like making fun sometimes, like, when I am not being serious, I can really get petty and raunchy, and dirty. I think it’s a guy thing to be dirty dirty.

“Kwa hawa watu wako kwa hii room, unaona mseee mgani anakaa mwalimu. Hata si mwalimu tu, mode wa kitu kama CRE CRE hivi, unajua tu hao wasee. Hawakai kuwa na haraka na Maisha, wako tu.” Simba was telling Picha.

Picha then retorts back, “Unaona tule tudem tumekaa pale.” I think he was pointing them using his mouth or his eyes were darting in that direction in response to Simba’s question, "Hao ndio pefectet definition ya mode wa CRE, kwanza wale wa primary school hujifanya kuokoka na hakuna kitu wanajua. Wanashindda tu kuwaaambia story zile hakuna."

Damn, I was almost breaking into a wild one and because I was also sweating (the result of a held laugh), I decided to go to the loo to get sane again. Luckily, there is always water and tissue papers in plenty, you wash your face and wipe them wish tissue when things are hot under the visage. How else do you expect me to contain the simmering laughter when they were talking crass like class three pupils who had just seen two newcomers in their class? Kwani, men can be this petty, malingering behind someones back like wale mamathe wa ploti. 


I guess I looked more focused than I should have been. Perhaps, they should have found me during one of my theatrical days, combining fake and wild ideophones with gestures while speaking. When I am free and willing to let loose those thoughts that I harbor in my medulla oblongata flow, I can really get nasty. Never mind my non-biological use of that organ inside our head, guess I thought it refers to the cortex(memory organ) in the brain.

I think there is only one thing one must never lose in this world and that is hope for something good or a better tomorrow. We thus need motivation for the same. Constant motivation daily makes us forget our woes even when we are so much burdened and having a hard life. A life that only you know about, unless you let it be known to others who want to know the same about. The struggles we have to endure, the patience we have to stomach, the downfalls and pitfalls that make us strong, the victories that we conquer and are behind us, and always keeping hope alive. Because once you are hopeful, even the world will realize that you need something and it will slowly come to you.

We all have hope. At some point in life, I was hopeless, I was having those moments that I thought would last longer than they should. I was low and downcast. But when I look back, I should have not let those instances take the better of me. They should have been a lesson that I learn from. I am still on a learning pedestal. The only difference with ages ago is that I am more seasoned in the game than ever before.

What is there to hope for in life? Yes, the first thing is to be able to see tomorrow that never comes. Another thing is that when you see it, you will have money to spend after satiating your basic needs. We hope we will find it in abundance that we cannot spend all at once. Yet, we are never getting enough of it. It’s not a coincidence that those who get money are those who don’t have money problems. They are wealthy guys who want to maintain the status quo and keep their dynasty steadfast.


I sometimes hate money. Not the spending part though, I hate the part where it is the root of all our problems. I wish I could not have to work for the money bit. I wish I worked for personal fulfillment through meaningful work that is more geared towards bettering humanity and less of having capitalistic tenets. But we are in a world where money matters, I robustly admire moneyed guys, they make me want to be like them, yet I always tell myself, just be patient, things will look up and you will get it when the right time comes. It's a notion that I have to really disengage from like yesterday. Guess that is the reason why I am never in a hurry. Unlucky me. Tomorrow I will be a lucky guy, Inshallah.

Hasta La Vista Baby

[Photo Source: Pixabay]

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DILEMMA

Sometimes we get offers that make us think twice. There are those that you don’t even have to mull over. They come and you make up your decision straight up and you are taking them with no brouhaha. It’s simple, something good that you have weighed all the options should be devoured with alacrity. It is normally like a euphoria. You find yourself wanting it at the spur of the moment more than any other thing. Normally, for a guy of my ilk, excitement can only be triggered by, say, I get a good job. Or, if my current weekly wage that is normally hourly snowballs and remains at a high rate for a while.

What I have come to realize is that when it comes to money, we can do anything just to get it. I am not an exception. Yes, there are limits in my pursuit. But, I know of guys who will sacrifice a lot just to see to it that they have mullah. And those mullahs are what causes us to have sleepless nights. I know most guys who are not employed but still have money. Me, am an egalitarian. Funny thing is that, the probability of finding a person without a job with money sometimes is high compared to a person with a job. A proletariat lifestyle is only good as far as the payday is concerned, past that, you are back to square one. Chasing papers. Chances are, if you borrow money from me ‘kati kati ya mwezi’, I will advise you to sort yourself with the many credit lending apps and platforms that are proliferating by the day. We Kenyans have a problem with our finances. That is why lending apps the likes of Branch, Saidia, Mshwari or Tala are making a kill out of our money neediness that keeps on ballooning.

So many have been blacklisted courtesy of credit lending apps and they still survive. What with the protracted process of getting a loan in a bank being so lengthy and having so many conditions. Can’t pay won’t pay mentality is real. Add the fact that we are just those guys, eeh! Unless there is a check-off system whereby money is deducted before getting into our hands, we will be reminded of our dues but we shall not act on it. Kesi baadaye is our slogan.

Sometimes back while in a mat, there were two guys seated on my right discussing about a friend who is an addict of soft loans. Raise your hands if you have never borrowed a loan.

“Unaona huyo boy (guess they were referring to their buddy), ye huchukua loan kutoka Branch kulipia loan ya Mshwari ama KCB-Mpesa.”  One of the boys with a loud voice was saying.

“Kwani ye hulipa aje na vile kuna interest na hana jobo?” the other boy asked.

“Maze, do iupatikana. Unajua huyu msee pia hucheza Sportpesa. So akiwai labda thao chwani hivi, ye hulipa hio do alichukua then anachukua ingine. Na unajuaa, kwa Branch anaqualify for 15 K.”

“Lakini hio doo huokelea matimes. Si nikatengeneza profile ka hio naweza furahi sana buda”

Then the guys switched to talking about the purchase of a domain names or the probability of buying a small server because one of them wanted a running website to showcase his DJeeing and other stuff. He intimated how he had missed getting 50K because of not being in touch with his cousin who had a wedding and hired an ‘outsider’ to offer entertainment services which he could have cashed on.

Their conversation really affected me.  I am one of those guys who actually practice what their friend who pays a loan with another loan. There was a time KCB Mpesa was proliferating the idea and it has finally gained root in my system. ‘Yenyewe, sisi majamaa wa peni mbili husumbuliwa sana na hizi pesa nane.’

I hope I will be able to escape from this handcuff of servitude. They are becoming too much. Just the other day, I was telling myself that when you are broke, someone somewhere is wishing he could lend money whose present value he is assured of. Like he lends you 20k and you return it with an interest of 5k. Shylocking. But that is the easier part.

I remember writing about a friend I was a guarantor to and he refused to meet his end of the bargain after being given money. He went chini ya waba and the lenders had to look for me. Collecting receivables by lenders is really a headache. Especially when it comes to money. That is why financial institutions have come up with debt collection department. Some of those debt collectors end up being crass as opposed to being courteous when dealing with defaulters because their job safety depends on it.

I think, getting money from lenders is much more better than getting it from friends or relatives who can disappoint more than often. Plus, they can be gibbery how you always like getting money from them but you never repay.

Not that I am against borrowing money from friends or relatives, but from my school of thought, I find it awkward unless you don’t know the existence of Tala, Branch, Mshwari, your bank or chama (they come in handy on a rainy day if a plunderer does not swindle away with the cash). Another scenario is if you are burdened after exhausting all the platforms you had hoped you would use to get a loan when an emergency arises.

A lot about credit. I am thinking of how I will start a new life after kujizoesha kuwa a night shift bugger because I normally work at night. I am being offered a day job and am like, "Jeez, will this work out for me, is the risk and returns worth it. Or should I just forget about my current status quo and take up the offer?"

What a big decision I must make because when I juxtapose what I make at the end of the day, it is the same or more than what I will be given. The comforting prospect is that there is hope of a promotion and interacting with guys to get their perspective. Which is important as I may end up getting a wild thought to gyrate my blog.

Hasta La Vista Baby.

[Picture Source: My Own]

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LAZY TO TADS

At the close of yesteryear, I was having exuberant charm to script. I would wake up in the morning and write three to five pages. I would write random thoughts about the babes in my life, the struggles, the victories, the transgressions, the people who mattered and those who peeved me I felt like kicking them in the butt. Then things happened and now all I do is wish I could get the synergy to rejuvenate my hitherto erstwhile proclivity for penning at least a story. Even just one for the sake of my skills and need to be up to par. Guess this is the price one must pay for seeking an education and only working in a reclusive aura that cares nothing about you other than the income you make while working.

This endemic laziness is systemic. It’s not normal per se. It began at the birth of the new year and it is now that I am starting to recover. I have a feeling it is self-induced rather than influenced by outside forces. Normally, I spend most of the time alone. As such, am finding it hard to concentrate for long hours on that which I should be obliged to accomplish. Am becoming a serial procrastinator who does not want to meet his own end of the bargain. Look at me now, I am even struggling to make sense of words for this new-found laziness that I don’t know emanated from where. It’s pricking and galling. I want to disentangle but the wit and stamina to accentuate the obligation keeps shirking, I am left in a state of incertitude. A state of paralysis caused by paranoia, perhaps. Where do I fall in this equation of unknown? How do I find X? The famous X in algebra.

As such, I want to be who I am. Yet when I try, I wish I was free. Free from the bondage that is self-inflicted, that consistently make me less of the person that I wish I should have been. Again, age is also catching up and there is the consistent challenge that I need to take myself to the next level. I am yet to discern where that level should be.

I kind of wish I was not a sloth. Well, realistically I am not one but I can be one literally. It’s a wish that I have all power at my sleeves to reign over. Wish it was that easier said than done, beggars would be seasoned equestrians. Maybe I should put caveats on my cuffs and with them, I also ensure that I have control measures counteracting what if events. Modeled though rational and unmatched self-control through Monte Carlo simulation, sensitivity and scenario analysis that is devoid of cognitive errors ensuring I am not averse to regrets. Yes, that’s the only way of getting out of this quagmire.

I think my inconsistency is causing my creativity to be banal. Like, I am trying hard to have picturesque notions that I have experienced but that is all in vain. Deja vu. Nothing is coming up in my mind that excites. Reminds me of the ‘Lazy Song’ by Bruno Mars. But I want to tell myself, ‘I am not lazy’ like 100 times just to reaffirm my now philosophy that each day I wake up, I have to see to it that I conquer something that hitherto was a challenge.

Yes, I think I should face challenges with the swagger of a lion, even amid lows, it still studiously goes for the prey with valour. I think laziness has everything to do with courage and mental disposition. What else can I intimate it to. Like, I watched a clip of a miniature horse by Ozzy Man. Well, this guy is the modern age narrator who tickles my fancy with his unbridled f bombs that are well ‘dictioned’ in his video reviews. The guy uses “flashing titties, destination fucked, massive spready, new position, lick the juice from the crack, proud to be a soft cock” and a hell lotta obscenities that require a durty durty mind to cipher. Apparently, that miniature horse was having a hard time jumping from the stable because it kept on having misconceived notions that it was supposed to jump to a very distant place. When it finally jumped from the stable down to the ground, Ozzy was like “Boom shakalaka, majestic as fuck” with a final “Ha-ha”. I also felt that moment and it was so emotional I felt like it was giving me goosebumps.

The way that miniature horse was raising its hind legs as if to say, “Ahoy, I have done it, I have made it” made me feel like yes, I can also do it and write something even if it as nonsensical as it is. Now I feel like I am slowly getting over the writer’s block and getting my groove back. I am thinking, will this last. Maybe yes. Yes, because I am obliged to do it rather than it being discretionary. ‘Lakini Haisulu!’, that is exactly what I tell myself when I have absconded my civil duty to update my blog or write conjured random thoughts that normally naturally pop up when I sit down to ruminate subconsciously while writing, which don’t last more than thirty minutes. Also, I am not working out anymore, neither am I sticking to dogmatic rigmaroles. It's a free world "dick heads". 

Investigating deeply, I have realized that it is probably work that has contributed to my lethargy. It can be exhausting and demanding. The result is that I sometimes have both mental exhaustion and my body becomes so weary at times, I feel like I should have relieved myself from these drudgery and dreary responsibilities that burden me but I am obliged to do them. Which I do religiously.

What I don’t fear is waking up in the morning. I still am a morning person and even though I don’t enjoy the scenery of dawn, I love the fact that I am awake most times in time to perform my duty of building the nation. Which I will continue doing in various facets that I can achieve while I still have the stamina to do so.

At day’s close, there is hope at the end of the tunnel. That things will go well and change is coming. I will be a victor once again, I will conquer my fears and with that, I will conquer the world.

Hasta La Vista Baby.

[Picture Source: Pixabay]

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THE BACHELOR STRUGGLES

Sometimes it’s a struggle being a bachelor. You are supposed to be married at your age or at worse having a reliable girlfriend who you are going to tie the knot with but you still are single. Yet, there is a lady you are in platonic relationship with who you catch feeling when she does not pick your phone calls or reply to your messages. Deep down, you feel like you should have settled down with a lady. Someone who loves you to bits that once in a while when you mess up, say those Jezebels happen which they will at some point in time, she will forgive and say that things happened. But, on your part, you will have to make drastic changes. Like, no conversations with girls anyhow, no two way step verification she does not know. It hence means that your phone should be at her arms reach, and other abnormal traits or deeds you are required to observe.

Yeah, ladies can make us run mad. They know our soft spot and they use it to deny us what we should be getting. At that point, mwanaume unatuliza mbokoyoyo. Matters that weakenwe men are so emotional more than we can handle. That is why a man who loved her wife so much follows quicker than you know it, God forbid, in the event the wife dies. We men love with all our heart. We may deny it but at the end of the day, we are like slaves to our women, especially if we have the one who controls everything in us. Once you find that belle, let her not know that you are like a ball she can bounce. If you let her know and she realizes that you are a giver, she will run your tap empty.

Thank goodness, I am a single guy. However, that does not mean that out there their is no woman I have not been eyeing to be mine. Obviously, there is that single babe I often wish I could settle down with, then focus on things like career and making money and a name. Though it may not be abundant, that I will make something satisfactory is better in the short term. Lakini, the good thing is that I have this lady I can tell about my struggles, my happiness, my lows and even hemorrhage some emotional stuff on her knowing full well that when I go back she will accept me. That lady keeps me going. Yet we are in a platonic relationship. Sometimes I wish I could have married her, but I still like the position she holds of a friend. At least, I can still mess around kidogo when opportunity presents itself without much ado. 

Therefore, I sometimes wish she got a nice, handsome, tall, dark and faithful guy. The kind of guy who will be by her side during the times when she is struggling. The kind of guy who accepts her and recognizes that I was first in her life before him and therefore I also need my space with my amour. Oh, before they officially start dating, she should introduce him to me and tell him where I belong. Lakini, when she is officially gone, I will have to accept the reality and move on like a gentleman and give them space. Even me, I would not like a guy who has some control and reign over my woman. I am jealous like Sir God up in heaven. If it is me, it has to be me. When we share, I am not part of the equation.

Living alone as a bachelor has some challenges in as much as it can be addictive. You are not answerable to anyone. You just feel free and like a bird you roam hoping you will find Mrs. Right. If things go right, perhaps you get a job. The problem with being a middleclass burger is that you set the standards of the jobs and income you want before you settle down. The problem is that you end up wasting time and money in the quest for what you want. You come to realize later that time and tide waits for no man. 

There are those times as a bachelor you get so broke, there was a time a friend told me he got so broke that he could not afford a sheath for some wild romp because, for real, who wants a baby he cannot take care of and the way babies are expensive and so involving. You have to forget about sleep until such a time when they are good to go. Again, with the average girl having like I don't know how many beaus, ukiongea na ka sponyo, unless you have domesticated her, and she does not let the cat out of the bag, contraceptives are a must.

Yes, settling down for a bachelor is hard, especially a guy who graduated from uni. The girls who are after you are really so many especially if you are in stable employment. Sometimes, you sample them to find out who really is loyal. Like there was this chic who sat next to me in a mat saying, 'Aki I was married for the weekend, now I am going to my house and then I will report back to school after kitu four or three days." Yeah, she was in a sleevelesss top, and I was in a fitting polo shirt with short sleeves, so our skin did touch occasionally. She was also having wide hips and they were really causing a scene down south I had to ginene.

You see, having one woman who you don’t live with is good and bad. The bad part is that you may invest all your emotions in her and maybe she is in it waiting for the next big thing. Once she lays her hand on that bugger, she will drop you the way a guy drops a mike and leaves. There is that carefree face of a person who drops a mike. That is the way a girl drops you when she is finished with you. Yani, she does not care hata kidogo. The good thing with one girl is that there is a high likelihood you will get married if you are serious the both of you. So, all in all, it's always good to have your options diversified. Being an investment student, I know that an optimal portfolio is the one that is diversified. Make hay while the sun shines. Brother or sister.

Kenyan men, ati we are not romantic. I recently went to a certain friend of mine who is a lady. Then she started having a conversation with a certain odiero. They were video calling. I don’t want to think about what that jungu normally asks her to do in her digs once she is alone. She told me she does not love company. I know why she does not. That odiero sponsor hates company like all men. Pengine she just wants a guy who is a day scholar. No, a guy who will turn up, service her and she is good to go. This chic lives in a  big house that I wish I was the one living in. I would have by now got so many babes some I would have forgotten their names as a bachelor. But mother nature knows why I still have the energy and that is why I have to spend it before I get the money and once I have it, I will be in that state where I cannot be entertaining so many babes. Luckily for me, I am not a babe’s person. I would only love to have one then the rest as they say is chemistry and history.

About that chic I visited, she told me that there is a way Nigerian man does his thing, they call asking. "Babe are you okay?"  and the frequency and the way they give money and spoil their babes, they just feel loved. Kenyan men on the other hand don’t do that and still want to be treated with the same care as foreigners who know how to romance. Oh, they say no romance without finance. Well, the ladies who are going to get it in their ring fingers are the kind who will be patient for the finance, if you hurriedly go for finance, go to a place where you can’t spend all of it at a go.

Hasta La Vista Baby

[Picture Source: Pixabay]

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PLANNED DEATH

At some point in life, we shall all die. I only dont know when. And that is the reason why I decided to watch a certain Ted Talk on 'Planning for your death.'


I have not planned for my death because I have not even reached the age I wanted to get hitched. I am thinking that am young and should be enjoying life. Well, by now I should have planned for the next stage after this one. As a christian, I have a tendency to believe I am headed to heaven. Who wants to burn in hell fire.


Since I dont have an estate to be squabbled over, I have never consulted an attorney to write a will. But when I die, probably endowed than I am today, I will have writted a will. So that some unknown administrator will not take a chance to direct how my inheritance will be shared. Yes, I am hopefuly I will one day accumulate wealth and be financially stable.


I have developed a taste of listening to classical music and there is this guy who keeps me updated on a weekly basis through his emails that I have subscribed to. I particularly loved a Ted Talk by Itay Talgram on how to lead like a conductor. You easily learn to love classical music and understand that a conductor is so important that they can detect an off key thrompone which an untrained ear like mine cannot.


Hence it was while watching the damn talk on youtube that I was directed to Ted.com and the first video I watched was about Death. I will not get deep into death details but it is unAfrican to portend about about death. It even gives me cold chills, yikes.


I also saw another Ted Talk on how to get deep sleep and there is this guy who came up with some sounds that make you sleep soundly. The sound is that of waves with a 'swoosh' effect at the end. I tried the sounds on my ka small tablet and jeez, the kind of sleep I experienced was so sleepy I forgot that the alarm even rang.


Hasta La Vista Baby

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IT'S A WRAP

Somewhere along the coastline, I am mulling over what I thought I would accomplish during the year. Looking back, I feel like I did my best and left the rest to outpour or go to the dogs. Now I want to make New Year Resolutions. But first, a glimpse of flashback. Just a petty one.

First, I must be thankful to the Almighty for thus far he has brought me. ‘Nimeuona mimi Mkono wa Bwana, kweli’ (sic). He stood by me and now I can attest that his mercies endure forever. I was beginning to be agnostic, but I can affirm that I am truly religious. The potency of my faith though shriveling, I can only hope it will bloom in the new year as I steady up and begin the year in style.

Obviously, I will start with what never worked. The first ought to be a quest to find a job that is not only pensionable and full-time, but also a job that I am joining and feeling like I am enjoying what I do. The one that I can apply the skills I have learnt over time. Like the first job I had. It was just what I loved but it was not what I wanted to do. The good thing about my current job is flexibility. Though it does not put me in a financially secure position, but all in all, it comes to my aid in many ways.

I am still hoping that some day I will get a job in the investment industry and apply the little knowledge I have learnt. On the contrary, I hate internships. Especially if they go nowhere and I am told to be patient in the job until an opening arises.

Number two has to be getting a girlfriend, something that leads to an engagement and finally marriage. I recently had a chat with a lady friend and she was being told to move in with a dude who was interested in her even without dating and she never loved him. I told her that love grows overtime and it will be a thing of the past if she moves, learns to love and hope that things will work out. Her family was of the view that she moves in with her ‘probably fiancé’ even if she does not love the guy. I concurred with the family then realized that I would hate to move in with a lady just because I love her. At least, taking time to know who you are going to spend the rest of your life with is crucial before someone moves in with a man. You just don’t move in like that. It should be a process, not an event.

Consistency and discipline are issues that I am really struggling to deal with and they come in at number three. I have not been as consistent as I would love in being disciplined. I have been wobbly so much that I am currently not having a plan. My plan was to have completed 21 courses on Financial Modelling, 9 courses on data science and lastly finish reading the content of CFA level Two. You know what, there is no hurry. I am in Africa and a black nigger for that matter. Plans, circumstances, opportunities, strengths and weaknesses change but only God does not change.

Lastly, I have been postponing writing my posts in time for scheduled appearances on my blog. This has been a big battle and it makes me think that I am not a stickler to following routine. I had a time-table I thought I would stick to. I had so many options in my mind I did not know what to do. I have let them to come into fore when they want. After all, I am not a programmed machine to stick to routine. I am very flexible. That is why I have not thought of writing about a certain specific topic for some time now.

About that job thing, sometimes I sit down and wonder if I can get my grove back and get into gainful employment with regard to what I would like to do now. I have experimented a lot. And its high time I started getting serious with life. I have morphed in different ways. Especially when it comes to writing. One day, I will be like guaranteed-age whisky. Crisply matured and with a distinctive style of prose. The kind that is synonymous to yours truly.

On to accomplishments. I have been able to work consistently save for a week when I was revising for exams and the holiday I took in order to refreshen up. Yes, I took time off to go and ponder about life. Celebrate Xmas and travel to new locations. I did not go to the beach though, I just went to the countryside, and went to look for adventure.

I also love the fact that I have developed come craze in writing. I have what I call the morning pages which are random thoughts that have filled a book and I am now on the second one. The bad thing is that the content does not flow, the good thing is that I have written to the best of my ability without referring from anywhere in free flow which takes half an hour everyday. The morning pages have helped in me easily writing more than 2000 words in one sitting straight outta my mind. I had hoped to write in all the weeks this year, but I am not sure that will possible anymore. I erred on countless occassions when I was feeling lethargic. The far that I have reached deserves a full large pizza to celebrate the achievement. I will struggle to finish it wioth a two litre soda.

Another plus has to be developing a saving culture that I started a few years back. Yes, I am a saver, but I also need to be an investor. To invest and reap from the fruits of my labour. I wish I this blog was an investment. It would have been providing me with returns even if small. It is not even a cash cow, it is where I hide. Luckily, I am outdone with why I operate it. Next year will be the fourth consecutive year of updating it on a regular basis. I think past the fifth year, I will enroll it to square it out with other seasoned contestants in a bid to be a known blogger. Whether I get the award or not, that will not be the motivation behind listing it, the real motivation will be getting new readers. Well, there is that aspect of pride in winning but the real one comes from knowing that you have made an impact and made someone laugh, wish they could do something like me or just flipping through the net and they think they need to read something new.

Next year’s resolutions have to be very few. First I plan to move out and go stay on my own in a small room, A quiet place where there is no brouhaha. A sanctuary. Next to a gym with a palatial view of the horizon if lucky. Watching how Americans buy houses has made me believe that you certainly need to have a view when looking for a house. A view is an added aesthetic value that makes a difference when looking for a house.

Another resolution is to complete my financial modelling course. I started it with zeal and excitement. But that has wilted over time and I need to rejuvenate the skills because ‘I don’t know tomorrow’. Perhaps I may be called to an interview and told to model a company’s future cashflows and share price and being this lethargic bugger, I tell the interviewer that I need time when I should have done the thing in less than an hour. What I have to realize is that practice segregates the chaff from the wheat. Modelling requires constant practice and that is the reason why I will look for a way of keeping tabs with this skill. Just for fun even if I don’t get a job. Plus, it will help me forget that I am not employed in the investment industry if I combine it with reading CFA Notes, collecting and analyzing daily data from the NSE and applying for relevant jobs.

The final resolution has to be to be passing with flying colours my repeat exams. I know what went wrong and I will try as much as possible to work on it. Also, I want to be updating the blog on a weekly basis in time. I have earmarked Friday as my day. It will be at 1100 hours. That was the time we normally took our break from the daily hustle of learning.

In the meantime, let me hope that I will also build my own house in shags. Hope that I will get a girlfriend and probably a real child. Forget about Spock and McCoy.

As I imagine that I am at the coast savoring the cool breeze next to the sea, I am wishing that one day it will become a reality.

Hasta La vista baby.

[Picture Source: My own]

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MELANIN

There is something intrinsic when you see a lady whose skin is naturally espousing its deep-seated melanin pigment. Dark ladies are lovely and fair enough they have a sexy charm that is associated with dark berries. Black is beautiful. Walai! These ladies are real and angelic. They look dapper, supple, glamorous, and fairly young. And there is a certain glimmering glow in a lady who is naturally black. The one who does not hide in makeup. Even if she does, it is the kind of face foundation which seamlessly blends with the colour of her skin. She is not afraid to walk in the colours that make her who she is. And most of all, a dark lady full of melanin is just mwah! She stands out and will get noticed. And she is charming, has a bubbly personality, and what else, she is every man's fetish. Well, we have so many brown and light skins and that makes a dark-skinned lady exotic and quixotic. The wonderful ones we eschew because men like fairer-skinned ladies. Forget that notion of men subconsciously being attracted to ladies with a wheatish hue. Only a man who has tasted a darker berry knows the sweetness of the flavour.

A few days ago, I met a pretty chic and she was dark and lovely. We have aesthetic preferences as human beings. Hitherto, I thought I had a kibosh with light-skinned ladies until I met this new catch on Tinder. Yes, I am on Tinder. Like the average Joe, I went on Tinder to look for a relationship. Not an intimate one, just something of a meet-up and getting to know a new person. This certainly excludes the male folk. Over time, I have unmatched so many ‘prospects’ that Tinder considers my type because I just do feel them after the usual ‘Hi’. I guess Tinder is not for folks like me. I have unmatched more than thirty ladies for no apparent reason ever since I joined that platform.

How did I discover Tinder? Funny enough, I was reading about a beleaguered spouse who found out that her man was eyeing other fine babes because her single friend had bumped into his man on Tinder. I decided to also give it a try and see what’s cooking there and it was fine. Better than Badoo which I was also on but never got a date because the damn thing is full of adverts which are so boring. You even hate being on Badoo.

Now that Tinder is also on the shirt of Red Devil football fans, allow me to intimate about it.

I go to Tinder to look at how Kenyan chics look for men if that is the real purpose of this App. They have a lackluster profile, take random pictures that are not even edited, and lastly, they never say niceties about themselves. Is it not a turnoff for somebody to tell you what to do? Ati a lady tells you that if you like her, then swipe right. Shit men, that is something that comes naturally.

The kind of profiles on Tinder are so weak that you may confuse the intention of the seeker. Well, someone told me that kizuri chajuiza, na kibaya chajitembeza. That proverb can be misinterpreted because we have some of the best brands in the world advertising more than the bland establishments that are so mundane we just look at them and feel nothing. Rarely do you find ladies who have taken professional photos, wore sensuous and colorful clothes that liven their personality, pose in a way that even if she is not pretty, you swipe right. I think having a sense of style, dressing to flirt (showing some hint of skin), applying makeup properly and taking photos that are expertly done makes a lady stand out. We men are visual creatures who are driven wild by how ladies present themselves. A well-executed casual vibe in a bodycon dress, lets us ogle the curves. And you want the eyes staring at the sex appeal because of the sensual and flirty feel that comes with a body-fitting dress. You can easily swoon a man just by the fact that you look nice and sexy and the next thing is that he will be glancing hints of lust in his eyes and a band if captured. Enough said.

Because I am the kind who does not read a person’s bio, I tend to go to Tinder to Swipe right. Sometimes I look at other snaps of a probable bae, unfortunately I tend to like all the pictures of girls with more than one real photo. Given that I am not using a smart phone, I normally click the red heart shape and wait till Tinder says ‘You have a match’. Then when it does, I say ‘Hi’ then wait if the lady will respond. If she does not, ‘Haisulu’. There will always be another oner next time.   I am not addicted to this App as such because I am certainly not looking for love. I am a bit uneasy with girls sometimes. Those days when Tinder never matches me, I keep on swiping right till I am prompted to now subscribe if I want to continue swiping right. I am the type of can’t pay won’t pay mentality. That takes me about 5 to 10 minutes. Then I am off the app because there is nothing fascinating for a bachelor of my ilk there.

The first chic I was supposed to meet was interested in a relationship that could lead to marriage whereas I was not sure whether I wanted to have that then as now. As long as I am not financially stable, I will not lie that I will be going to have a girlfriend soon. That shall not happen. She gave me her number, we chatted for a while but again, I thought she was a slay queen who looked like a high maintenance chic that I could not sustain with my meagre income, as such, I did cut communication and voila, I was back to Tinder again. In search for something that could lead to a friendship that may ultimately lead to a relationship and lastly marriage.

Allow me to brag that men have the marriage card that they dangle like a carrot to would be bride. We are like employers who dilly dally around with jobs hoping to find the right candidate in the process. Most times, because of indecision, we end making the wrong choice. A while ago, I remember telling myself that I was going to stick to one lady come what may. Look at me now, this is probably the umpteenth time I am struggling to get into a relationship with a girl.

While swiping right, I saw this girl who kind of looked familiar. She was leggy, and the thighs looked fuller in those high highs she wore. She was bestowed with a lovely baby face, full of smile and a fine physique. She had a few professionally done photos that made her look gorgeous. In them, you could not tell that she is a dark skin. She looked like she is chocolate complexioned which I sometimes love especially if the lady is tall, slender but has everything in the right places. Later I realized she was a petite babe which was kind of a turnoff. Never mind that a certain dude once told me to try a lady who was shorter than me. Like really short but not a midget. That once I have gone to bed with such a lady, I will look for his number after engaging in the devil’s dance. Three years down the line, I am yet to sleep with a short lady as he described them.

Let me call this lady Claire, a name that is chocolatey and sweet like eclairs. I recently ate eclairs and I remembered that I need to keep my teeth good.

It took us almost two weeks before we met. Obviously, I am the type who talks about random stuff aside from the usual greeting. I normally ask the pedestrian questions, give dull suggestions and all that stuff that a guy who does not know how to vibe a lady will do. But first, a lady has to visually quench my visual acuity before I delve into matters intelligence and all that. Whether this will be friendship or something I take to the next level, I am a guy of first I love what I see.

Our date was to be in town at a neutral place. I chose KFC because I normally work on a side hustle and most of the projects I do are sometimes associated with this eatery. Given that she was a student, I could tell that she would love the place because students rarely visit such places because of monetary issues. Plus, she was a chic, and an aura that is classy like KFC not forgetting the trusted and iconic food which naturally excites the nerves because there is the probability of eating those semi-emulsified, extra-crunchy, amazingly moist and crispy skin chicken that trigger primal urges even though the chicken has secret ingredients that they never want to let us know.

That settled, I had to think of where to get money because I was broke having paid my dues and operating on just a few hundreds. I had thought we would meet on a Friday, but it turned out that she was working that day. She gave me a suggestion and I being the overzealous zealot accepted the offer. Luckily my soft loan platforms came in handy.

“I am in a blue dress.” She told me. She suggested we meet in Kencom. I had noticed her well before she told me she was in a blue dress. She was dark complexioned, and I remember cursing and saying, “Why did I have to bring myself to this?” Every story is usually a climax or an anticlimax.

A quick search on Facebook and Twitter did not reveal any details about her. Later on, when she had given we her phone number is when I realized that she had a YouTube account. On that platform, she looked different. Really different. I regretted the idea of why I had even contemplated and organized a date. But I consoled myself that her pictures on Tinder were what I was going to rely on. The older pics were not as elegant as the most recent ones. They were what I can term as unplanned pictures taken arbitrarily. Then she had not realized that she can be a fine girl that men would love. She was in short a plain Jane back then. But looking at her now, she had toned, was going to the gym and maintained her body shape. She asked if I had turned my back to look at her when she went to the ladies but I never. I had asked if she works out and returned it with that question of taking a glimpse at her ass.

Whereas she was a black beauty, the fact that she had taken care of her body very well made her a good date. She had fuller hips, a nice ass and lastly an athletic body. You could tell that she did not have a tummy. Aint that charming.

Ideally I had speculated that she was not going to turn up. And being the guy who had long lost hope in women, I thought she was not going to keep her end of the bargain. Which is typical of most ladies. So, the day of the meeting, I spent a lot of time on Excel trying to muster some concepts that I intend to use later on.

You see, my Tinder was indicating that I was more than 2600 miles away from where I was. And given that I was joking about the meeting, I was sitting content that this chic who was probably in a Middle East country working for some Arab was also probably smiling and thinking of how she had duped a Kenyan dude. If you open a platform and realize that someone is thus far, what can you do given that I had not even asked for her number. Obviously, I had format deleted the prospects of the date immediately after asking if we could go for a date. I concluded that this was as good as the crush you will never meet. So, I disengaged the excitement notion of a date and engaged the status quo of expecting nothing. I slept forgetting that I was supposed to go for a date the next day at noon.

Apparently, she never forgot that were going for a date at KFC. If it was a mature lady, say working class, I think I would have suggested an eatery that is less frequented by the hubris of Nairobian middleclass. A place where you can talk and even be intimate.

On the planned meeting day, I was doing some solo projects and when it was the normal working break for lunch, I decided to log into Bluestacks to check if the lady had communicated. I use it to house my Android because I think I love analogue phones more. She had also left her number telling me to call and act like the gentleman I had reputed myself to be. That day, I was tackling the Indirect function in excel. The fact that this lady provided her number meant that she was serious. She really meant business.

At 1240, she had left a note that I had stood her up. That was not even true because she later told me that she was in town a few minutes past one. Having gone to other dates with other ladies, I know that if you are to meet a random chic, she will come some hours late. There was a chic who kept me waiting more than two hours and when she called that she had arrived, I told her that I was already in the digs. At least, we ended up sharing the hurt because when we were to meet, she had decided to go somewhere else and I am not the patient type. Ati nikae nikikula pole pole kwa café, not my thing. The next time, that chic was the first to arrive because she decided to reschedule the date. But I was late by about 5 minutes and the way she was threatening me, I even had to apologize.

Having learnt that chics are always late for a date, I never even bothered to prepare to show up in time. Since I work from home, I only decided to take a quick shower after I had confirmed that she was waiting in town and would not be gone in an hours’ time which was duration it would take me to get to town if you factor in traffic. Owing to the fact that I had assumed this chic was in the middle east, I still was not cock sure until I saw her. At least she was honest about this blind date.

Seeing that she had dropped her number, I called before heading to town and she confirmed where she was. She was the fourth chick leaving me her number on Tinder. Yenyewe madem waKenya love big guys. Even a certain light skinned slay queen who had taken various photos in clubs like Kiza, a joint like Mercury lounge, with solialites like Huddah and in expensive cars and hotels wanted to see me when I swiped right on her profile on Tinder. I later unmatched her because she had a tummy and I am not going to tolerate such a lady unless she has my kids with me. This lady I was meeting also told me she was expecting a big guy with muscles and big arms. Photoshop nayo. Kwani nilijifunza Photoshop ya nini. It rectifies those blemishes and inadequacies that I have as a person. Si even celebrities photoshop themselves.

Claire told me that she rarely gets matched with dudes. I am thinking of creating a female profile on Tinder, downloading an app that can change my voice so that a person on the other end thinks that I am a lady when talking and then setting a date with a dude. Perv. I don’t think that will ever happen though because I love laughing a lot. I remember after finishing high school, I used to do that to a number of guys using my cousin’s Chinese phone.  There was one we chatted with for so long that he promised he was going to buy me fish and chips. That was not to be because there was a day I forgot to put the voice in female mode and he busted me as a result.

I had never known how Tinder works for ladies. Claire schooled me that she rarely gets matched. Which is how it should be by the way. A girl should wait for a dude to make the first move. If he does not, then you might not get a good response if you take it upon yourself to do the onus. My folly is that I don’t believe I can find a girl worth her salt on a platform like Tinder. When it comes to Claire, she does not look like a person who should be on that platform. She is gorgeous and pretty and her beauty is on another level. Maybe, I might be wrong, but she really is more than meets the eye. In this case, she is a better version of what you see in the pictures.

Me meeting her was a gamble. I had lost all hope in seeing a lovely and pretty chic whose body accentuates femininity. Her figure was nice, her face lean and feline. And she looked fine and spruced up for the occasion.

Certainly, I had wanted her to find me at an eatery. However, when she said she did not know some parts of the city, I decided to meet her near Kencom. I wanted to pull the Hilton thingy, but you know I am not good in magnifying situations.

When I spotted her, she was with a lady and a male colleague who she worked with. Being a little bit nervous, I went to her, but she told me to wait for a few minutes to finish with her buddies. Turns out that my blind dates have been with black beauties. Never mind that I don’t let the date progress after the first meeting. The first was about a decade ago, when I had just finished high school and wanted to connect with a female.

She finished with the dude and I had to accompany the two ladies to a copier to duplicate some of the documents they use for work. We went to a certain optical shop that also offered photocopy services. When they finished, we parted ways with her colleague and decided to walk to KFC. On our way, she told me she worked as a brand ambassador, a better name for a salesperson and that is how we clicked. She was working in sales and I had been a salesman before.

It happened that Claire is a a sanguine in temperament. Or perhaps she was buoyed and expressive that day. I could feel her touchy hands on my arms, her energy which was playful in a kind of way. I felt like she was feeling safe with me. Her tone was friendly, and it’s like I had known her for a very long time. I loved her sense of humour and the delectable giggles.

I was mistaken about KFC thinking that it would offer a serene environment that is luxurious and quieter. Turns out that the first thing I noticed was the level of noise. I can only imagine the chaos that would characterize the scene had it been a movie. Looks like I hate noise. I had to attest to it being an impediment to a good meal because sometimes some guys like us love it when the environment is calm before partaking of a meal. The fact that the eatery was so packed and the walls in the eatery not made with acoustic panels to absorb the sound was quite a pesky experience.

I intimated this later while filling the survey that promised to give me a bucket of 21 pieces of chicken even though I know that that is a white lie. My statistical knowledge on random numbers has made me never to love things to do with chance. That is the reason why I have not been betting or engaging in gambling. Like Buffet my mantra is never to lose money. The corollary is also true. Turns out that I never ate any of the meal offered that day at the eatery, I only drunk soda. I had eaten some mlima (meat heavy on bones laced with chili pepper to form the soup) and a litre of Ugali (I measured one litre of water that day) and finished the ugali. Compounded by the fact that I also drank a glassful of mango smoothie, I could not stomach those pieces of chicken. I never even took super that day. Claire kept asking me why I was not eating. But I was too full to add more into my system. It happens that she also hated the sauce preferring the more common Peptang sauce that is thick and tasty. I think she can never be friends with my sister who is addicted to Heinz.

What I love about her is that she is the kind of lady who rarely delves on the unknown. That is why she refused to take Krushers preferring soda instead.

I must compliment Claire for being such a lively and bubbly chic. We talked about so much. To ensure I remain focused to the conversation between she and I, I sat in a submissive position with my back facing other people. She was in a dominant position with her back facing the wall. I loved the confidence she had feeling at ease with her all that time we were together.

Guess she saw me as a potential groom but that is water under the bridge. I still want to remain tight lipped and preserve the best for the last. But I will go for another date with her once she comes form holiday.

Did I have a perfect time with her? Yes. She was not the kind who keeps on telling me that she needs to harry somewhere that day. I hate dates that are characterized by haste. That is why I never go for dates anymore.

I think fine chics should not be on Tinder. But what can betray us sometimes is our level of exposure. I noticed that Claire was not as highly exposed as some of the slay queens in Nairobi. I saw it in her face and nails that were untended because they were plain. But something amazing is that there was this waiter who could never get enough of her. He kept drooling at her and even came to our table to ask if she had requested for something. He came almost twice. Guess this Claire chic is a magnet. Like I said she had a charm in her and a potential she has failed to exploit.

Unfortunately, she is conservative and hates trying out new things. There are meals she saw and said that she would rather stick to chicken even though she prefers Fish to chicken. We all have our inhibitions at the end of the day. After more than three hours together, I walked her to the bus stage and she gave me a nice hug even though I was conjuring how I was going to give it to her in the event she refused to give me one.

Need I say that I slept a happy man.

Hasta La Vista BABY.

[Picture Source: Google Images]

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