HUSTLER CRAZE

There is a scene where Nick, that cunning fox who is also the deuteragonist, sells popsicles to students after class having played victim in order to get a big pop yet his character is duplicitous. He cunningly gets paid for the pop by officer Judy Hopps who sympathizes with him and his young ‘un. She later finds little Finnick and Nick melting the pop in order to go and reshape them into small ‘pawpsicles’ to sell to the rat students where the earn quite some bucks.  

And then, there is that point where Judy tells Nick, "Well. I stood up for you, and you lied to me. You liar!" She lashed out at him. Upon which he naughtily replied "It's called a hustle, sweetheart."

Obviously officer Judy had a déjà vu moment and she did not waste time in seizing the opportunity into duping him to confess that he had committed a felony by lying on a federal form for tax evasion. ‘Well its my word against yours,’ Nick tells him. She then lets him listen to his tape recording before replying, “Actually, it’s your word against yours.” Before continuing feeling like a diva saying, “It’s called a hustle sweetheart.” Kaboom.

Mockingly, Little Toot Toot who was in the pram jumps up laughing out loudly while retorting boisterously, “She hustled you. Hahahaha. She hustled you good.”

I have never tried doing movie reviews before since it is not my cup of tea. Consequently, I am not going to pretend to do a synopsis of that movie. However, I love the hustling bit. Movies have also become my other love.

The lucky me requested to be redeployed to a less frustrating job from the more cumbersome and seizing up job of outdoor selling to telemarketing/sales. The day I got my letter, I could not even think twice. I even forgot to go tell my boss that I had moved given that she was not willing to let me go. The HR had solemnly replied to my prayers because I had drooped like a desert tree in that arena, why lie. I was even contemplating to resign during the festive season considering that I was finding it stressful to go back to do that which was not brining in results. It was a return to uptown deluxe. Actually, the reason why I left that kind of hustle though very rewarding monetarily is because of the fact that there is a behemoth in the name of CFA that I tackle each day that I cannot compromise on given that I hate repeating coursework. It normally comes between me and all the adoration I have loved over the years. Actually, you have to give blogging a wide berth sometimes to read CFA. It’s just practical. I don’t know how to explain it better than having to feel the pressure from within.

I now sit in a corner somewhere next to the boss’s WC and in the event that it becomes sprayed with those noxious air fresheners, I usually feel like fleeing especially when the door is opened because I am now a full-time proletariat operating from the Branch as opposed to looking for sales in the field. Well, it shows how diffident I can be especially if the pockets become shallow and you have heaps of debts that you need to settle but they keep on resurfacing like night after day.

So, there was this guy who came to the office and I loved his courage. He was sweaty in the armpit which was visible in his tight and amateur-redesigned t-shirt. Albeit, the njaanuary rippling effects were quite real and the Zuku bouquet had not been replenished so that I did  have to look for movies elsewhere.

The lanky guy was in all white. His face looked like someone who has worked so hard but ‘mjengo’ had not come through, the reason why he resorted to peddling movies in CDs the way I used to peddle loans, credit cards, accounts and insurance policies and my figures were not looking any brighter.

He showed me several pirated movies that would have wowed me, but I only focused on his general mien that was also questionable. None of his movies had the x factor that normally moves me to watch because ratings and the small bio of the movie tells me a lot rather than listening to the perspective of someone who there is a likelihood did not watch what he is selling. 

There is this movie called pets that caught my eye. I have never had about it but given that this guy appeared like a movie connoisseur, I instinctively trusted his word to be the gospel truth. I looked at him, tattoos all over his arms, neck and I  could tell they were never done at a professional tattoo artist but a novice who was not thorough in his trade. What convinced me to buy from him was the fact that he mentioned a certain manager who has a seat at a certain corner as his main customer and given that he succinctly gave a fitting description and given that it is a month known for its inadequacies, I gave him a benefit of doubt and decided to promote a fellow hustler who probably earns more that this office guy when their is a shortage commissions.

Later, when I went to try it on my laptop at the close of the day’s business. I realized that it was blank. I remember telling the chap that his DVD was probably blank but he reassured me that he cannot do so given the loyal customer he had.  That’s the point where I recollected my former nark skills in surveying a DVD. Ideally, there is a start difference in the coloring of a blank and a written DVD. A written one is kind of darker while a blank one is not as dark.

There is this conversation I was listening to about food in our ka small office kitchen and one of the ladies who work there made me laugh inwardly because I am new and as such did not want to burst out laughing at her. She was telling a story of how she arrived in the city back then from shagz. Apparently, she was brought up eating food in such a way that you eat as much as you can. On arrival in the city where she was to probably slum with her brother because I am sure they were not living in the suburbs to qualify as a resident, she got a shock of her life.

Ugali, was served in slices and since her brother also lived with a company of men, she started crying when she saw the quantity that was to be shared by all the people in that house. Five to be precise and she was there to eat with men who she thought were not having enough. Yet when you look at her, she does not look like someone who would eat lots of food because she is the kind of those we call petite. Luckily, her elder brother came to her rescue and bought her a full loaf of bread which she cleared not knowing that in the city you have to have manner when eating.

Since this is about hustling, there is a certain hobo who is dread-locked on Moi avenue near Innscor eateries who ‘times’ dudes walking with ladies to request for alms to go and buy some victuals. I only noticed that when I saw him hustling a certain guy with a ‘kawa’ chic and I passed him realizing that he also begged me to give him cash not twice but more than that on several occasions when he spotted me walking with a chic from work. I just shook my head and said inwardly, 'This is Nairobi.'

Hasta La Vista Baby.

[Picture Source: Google Images]

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I CAN'T SPEAK

“You have done virtually nothing.” Our boss said, her tone full of contempt and skeevy. Even after sacrificing to work overtime each day to register new members and sell products in a never anticipated frenzy she still had the audacity to be so diabolical when we had come to the end of this mental and physical drudgery. Flashback and we had been working in the just concluded Nairobi International Trade Fair.

Working for foreigners can sometimes be very daunting and topsy turvy. Especially those who want you to work for them like a carousel that does not need breaks to ensure that production is continuous. It’s worse when they want to bring their countries laws when they should be following ours and when they are Chinese (What’s wrong with some of these folks?).

The experience at the Nairobi International Trade Fair was kind of nasty if I recall. The way it turned out was quite unsavory. As an individual, sometimes working continuously without rest can be very hectic and wearisome. You need breaks even if it means going out to check on something. But when you are a person in charge or products that are highly arousing the kleptomaniac instincts in Joes and Janes, it behooves you to stay put lest someone who has itchy fingers disappears with your merchandise.

As an online shop, ours was a very busy stand showcasing some of the products we were selling. And it turned out that since we were selling affordably, most people wanted to visit our stand because the products were within their means. Incidentally, we got the elusive media coverage that aided in highly marketing our stand and acting as an advertising platform because it was aired on one of the major televisions. Later on we were asked if we could feature in a story on the business segment.

That also contributed in various personalities of repute visiting our stand. When a person of repute comes to your stand, things usually come to a standstill. Activities cease taking place because that person becomes the center of attention and attraction. There are usually cameramen, and media personalities in tow ready to take advantage of the situation.

The prominent figure in this case was the Deputy President’s wife who was accompanied by some women who looked more than subservient and could do anything just to ensure the master is given preferential treatment. Remembered the right denotation, sycophancy. She looked more developed and at peace though she never bothered to buy anything. I bet the verbatim she had with our marketing manager reeked of ineptitude because the bugger is not all that well conversant and glib with the Queen’s lingo. He earnestly tried to give the impression required when a VIP sets foot but it was as if his premiere backfired.

I remember someone saying she is saved. Actually, I was mesmerized by such pep talk because I could not associate how being saved had anything to do with the business that was being transacted even if it meant that she had stood by her husband during those times when he wept in front view of the camera in the church.

Later on, a certain old photographer came to give our marketing manager a picture of him and her which he apparently wanted to sell at an exorbitant price but the guy could not give in. I bet they ultimately settled on a price that was customer friendly.

Working as a salesperson while remaining at one point is near-death boring. There is a lot of persuasion and patience you need to exercise. The gift of the gab will not help much because you are constantly conversing and explaining to all the pundits and novices about the concept of an online shop which Kenyans have no idea how it works. Minority of people found it awkward that we had to register them though manually before they could buy products from us. Ideally, the more people we registered the better for us as opposed to just selling.

Talking to customers and seeing them repeatedly coming to our stand was not only motivating but it also made us proud because we were giving them what they wanted at affordable prices they had never expected.

My partner in the sales of a variety of products ranging from sandals, handbags, shavers, shoes and dryers was one 9ja brother who went by the name AY. He had decided to abbreviate his name because he had the feeling that Kenyans were not pronouncing it well. I even forgot what the initial stand for. Methinks he lacked the maddening drive to work as he was mostly on his phone never feeling a tinge of guilt chatting via texts to some unknown people.

Working with a Nigerian in sales can be very damning because of their pugnacious nature at the onset. Generally, AY was that chap who was cool, fascinating, bold, confident, and charismatic to be with.

Kenyan ladies have a peculiar and pecuniary penchant for Nigerian men because they believe they know how to go down south and satisfy them meaning these guys get laid with a lady easily on a first date as they are perceived to be heavy spenders knowing how to treat a lady.

AY told me of how he made a certain lady divorce her husband because of skills in bed. When he told Njoki, a lady who was distributing our flyers that he never makes out with women but give them a bewitching oral job that they keep coming back for more. Njoki had to burst out in a delectable cackle because he was demonstrating how he does it while talking about it.

Something amazing about AY was his seductive skills because his accent was authentically Nigerian and though some people thought he was faking it, he remained steadfast because he could not utter a single Swahili word insisting to be spoken to in English. This made him be a darling of many of the ladies. He did charm them and there was this one lady called Max who came to our stand dressed in socks toughies shoes and that mundane blue uniform since she was a medical student at KMTC. That she got smitten and easily gave out her number was an understatement.

When a lady is beguiled, the way she acts even though pretending just tells it all. Max had fallen for AY, no lie. And though she sounded repulsive, her mien betrayed her words. Like she was busy telling me in Swahili to tell AY that his ‘vibing’ skills were well below par as she remained unmoved, though inside she had melted like Kimbo on the surface of a nonstick pan on heat. I relayed the translation to AY and upon hearing this, he went on a charm offensive. Max was with her friend Val, who also got deluded by this 9ja man. Mostly, it was Val who was talking to AY, asking him questions ranging on many issues but revolving around whether he was single.

For the next few days, this average looking chics came to our stand pretending they wanted to buy something. Why were they average? They were neither exceptionally attractive nor exceptionally pretty because they were in school uniforms that never accentuated their figure or gave them the womanly physique that wows a man to spatially think asymmetrically. Guess if they had applied makeup, they would have attracted the licentious man in me to act equivocally.

There was this day when Max came and she was busy on her phone while I was trying to engage her in a conversation.

I remember asking her if she can shop online and her reply was that she was mostly busy during the weekdays while during the weekends, she was either visiting her parents or shaking those legs hence could not find time to shop online. A silly and lame excuse. Isn’t shopping online the most convenient and hustle free option devoid of impulse buying?

When she went away, AY showed me the conversation they had been having while she was pretending to buy something. She had bought a lady purse on the first day to impress AY. However she complained about it so much having drained her finances. Ladies are just good at being sly. While AY was fully into chatting with her, she was talking to me while chatting with AY on Whatsapp. It’s called the art of multi-tasking.

There was also a nurse from KNH who was also smitten. She even went ahead and told him intimate details while I stood there perplexed listening to her. She is the kind who decided to give out her number even before being requested. At one point, both Max and the nurse who went by the name Priscah found themselves on our stand coincidentally. Max is the timid kind of chic and just let Priscah engage in a discourse with AY as she waited for her turn to engage him. When Priscah left, shaking her buxom bottoms much to the chagrin of Max who ideally was not well endowed. It is said that 9ja men love them big and that is what Priscah was. So AY had two nurses after him, a student nurse and a practicing one. Ouch, yet none had seen me worthy of even a number.

Somehow it’s tough being a woman. The rivalry was real. Which reminds me of another pretty yellow yellow lady by the name Damaris who sold us food once at a price she only faked because the chow was worse than that being served in a police cell.

Damaris also got smitten. But she looked like a seductress because there was a time she came with her family to our stand, husband and son. The man looked out of place and appeared like he had been kaliwad chapatti while being shown around.  She had flirted with almost everyone. Even yours truly but I just did not feel her vibe. She told me something to the effect that she worked for an architectural studio doing interior design. I was perplexed because she was mostly loitering around as ideally, she was a food vendor. AY refused to eat her food because he said it was not delicious.  This got her mad as I seconded his insinuation.

On the last day, she gave AY her number and he promised to call. She wanted them to engage in business. Many there ladies also gave AY their numbers. One chic accompanied by her mother who probably was in high-school or on her fresher years also stealthily gave him her contact details especially Facebook because she said her phone was not functioning.

Later on, he told me he had deleted the numbers because he was not a player and him having no money enough to play that game and because he was not that savvy to handle so many ladies. I realized that if you are engaged in sales, you can virtually get so many numbers of different chics if you want to play that game. For a novice like me who never easily gets wowed by very pretty chics, it’s kind of hard to get so intimate to extent of exchanging phone details.

At the show, since our stand was busy, I had no time to visit the said mermaids and midgets that are usually bought for people to pay for to see. Uhuru passed near our stand and when he did, since children were nearby, they all went in a frenzy screaming his name as he waved while being chauffeured in his armoured and bulletproof-glassed vehicle.

But being a salesperson is not easy. You need to lie and constantly craft new ways of how to capture the attention of your customers. No one line works with every customer. Getting them to leave their details is also not easy. Some people are usually hesitant, thinking those details are going to be used for some fraudulent reasons which they are not party to. Like being registered to be members of a political party. However the promise of a gift upon purchasing and registering made us have many referrals.

Obviously, there are those people who just found themselves returning to our stand just because we were selling them at prices unimagined. There were those who came on a daily basis just to find our prices had relaxed. The usual faces were so at the back of our minds that you sometimes got fed up seeing them. They came to the stand more times than usual per day. Yet you had to treat them like newbies. Some told us their names and it personal dealing with them.

But one lady needs a standing ovation in mention because of the way she was able to be given a receipt but never took her goods. Which got us thinking, how was it that she had not taken her goods with her yet she had been given a receipt? She waited till the next day to come claim her goods. That was a police case and she even cried because of losing her money. But those tears could not roll as they were crocodile.

She was persistent and in the long run, she was sorted out. I don’t know how but she never came back the next day. Reminds me of the saying; ‘Hii ni Nairobi.’ Everyone has a quest. The only variation is that you never know if the hustle is real or a shamble. Whether you con to survive or make your chums legally, at the end of the day, it is survival of the fittest as everyone struggles to survive.

So at the end of the show, when our boss became insolent like a rabid dog saying she could not be able to see what we had done. I was so exasperated at how ill someone can behave when he has used your time and energy to make a lot of backs while not appreciating the effort you made to aid in making sales. Like on my part, all the sandals were sold out as well as other products that we had.

Her callous nature was not only brutish but did not augur well with us. As employees, that we had sacrificed a lot only for her to turn that heartless and term our work as worthless was indeed hypocritical. Indeed, we were irked. I was fuming inside. But I cannot find the right words to describe how furious I felt.

At that point we decided to go on a go-slow because that was the right thing for not being treated with respect as employees. Yet we had work ceaselessly even going without lunch on the last day just to meet our target and obligation. It was a lesson well learnt. The terms and conditions needed to have been spelt out at the onset lest the deal is abrogated like it was done in our case.

HASTA LA VISTA BABY

[Photo Source: My own]

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