FATIGUE, REJECTION AND PERSISTENCE

Ever asked yourself what your colleagues think of you in totality?

Well, I have never been bothered about that until I decided to be serious about it. After doing some soul searching, I realized that there are those who probably think nothing about me. They have no opinion at all.

Others do and there is this lady who thinks that I am a brilliant chap who should not be wasting away doing that which people of my ilk should not be engaging in, really. Why? There is a day I went with her to aid in answering a career aptitude test in a cyber cafe in town. With regard to the questions they were testing, I thought it was one of the most misconceptualized (sic) technique of assessing a salesperson. Given that as a salesperson, what you thrive in is making sales through having a sweet and lethal tongue, the depth of the assessment was not that palatable.

Well, there were some mathematics that included both numerical reasoning and basic arithmetic operations such as quadratic and linear equations questions that needed that uncanny ability to crack. It also tested on solving riddles and the use of vocabularies that even though I write, I rarely come across or use them given their rarity. This was probably my first time seeing them given that I hate aptitude tests. What's the whole essence of this when you probably will sack the bugger in the next two or three months for lack of delivery. Especially if it a tiny firm that is a work in progress.

Again, there is also this lady who thinks I am young. When she heard that I am almost approaching thirty, she thought it was a lie. Well it is not. Given that she is probably past that, yet I am not fully decided whether I will marry or not. In my current state, the only thing I can think of is my well being. If an extra person comes into the equation, then the strain will be an addition to the strife that a struggling guy who associates with the middle class will be discernible. Yet am in that state where in the event they terminate my contact (its ending anyway in two weeks), I will be like, let me concentrate on passing the imminent exam. That is the white lie I usually tell myself.

Apparently, it is the ladies who have an opinion of who I am. The lady who cooks our tea asked me if I am married and I told her yes, complete with pictures yet am very single. You see, I had taken photos with my niece on different occasions, there was one we were seated on the driver's seat taking selfies, there was one we were in the house also taking selfies and there were a myriad others with her mum given that ladies love taking photos. Nowadays, she thinks I am responsible and chides fellow bachelors as she praises me for having prepared myself early enough. I wish she knew that sometimes I would have loved to be married but circumstances cannot let me. Exams, lack of motivation in the workplace and the fact that I no longer embody a person who is a role model to others. Am I worried? Not at all. Maybe things will change when the right time comes. Baada ya dhiki, faraja.

Then there are these lot of guys who think I am a spoilt kid and come from a well-off family. There is a guy who thought I would not last a year as a salesperson on this pretext. I have debunked that myth, he was sacked before I was. There is a friend who just called it quits and took off with a Shylock's lending (hahaha, life in the city can be a toll order). I almost paid with a pound of flesh. He currently resides in the countryside. 


When I told another dude that I am only carefree because I have targets to deliver as a banker on the sales front, exams to pass yet I have YTD variables that I have not met, and oh yes, the desire to settle down and start a family, he thought I was joking. That I have brothers and sisters who give me money when I am broke or when I ask for it. I only wish he knew how much more I would have loved to be able to even give my siblings who are unemployed even a G to make them feel the fruit of my labour. Those are the times I feel like crying, but am forced to laugh. Even the state my own mum is in, it makes me feel bad. I told her long ago that I will be removed from the payroll soon. She has waited for the day but sooner she will see it become a reality.

I love this guy who tells me that I am lucky to have papers and having gone to some of the best schools. Do I eat this papers? Do the schools pay my bills?The truth is I am on my own. I told him I will never take up another sales job no matter the pay as long as it is commission based. He still loves selling. He tells me that I need a management job. Mimi nikasema nataka kuwa kwa management, mimi?. Well it may be true but I need a skill that will make me a survivor. Can I survive now? Yes. But he is a good friend, he thinks that academic papers are vital, well to some extent they are. He was employed straight from high school, I am from campus. He performs better that I on the sales arena. When I recently went to seek for a transfer, I was denied the chance, but when he went, it was about being asked where he wanted to go. That's why I look up to him, yet he also looks up to me wishing he had cleared university and had the papers. Now we are equal. Right, he knows how to sell, I know how to juggle books and complex things that are not in my milieu at present. Need I brag about them. Nah!

Yet I have grown in tremendous facets. I only fear losing my mind thus far preventing me from being coherent and lucid. I fear losing my hand so that I cannot type and my legs to take me places. I have not worked smart, I have been like a leech. Couple of times I have told my immediate manager that I should resign because I am not filling the job anymore but two have encouraged me to stay. The rejection on this streets have made me energized. Do I fear losing a job? Hell no. I would only fear losing that job that will make me and make my mum happy. If I am happy, she will be happy because I will not be struggling helping her in engaging in an investment that will bring her some reliable income on a weekly or monthly basis.  

With rejection comes fatigue. I looked at a picture I took more than five years ago and I can tell that I have grown smaller adipose-wise. I used to have some chubby cheeks that are no more. My trousers are bigger now and I have been forced to increase the holes on my belt. But the strength to continue keeping on comes from forces that I am not aware of given that I also left going to church, stopped having strong feelings for the woman I thought I would one day marry and realized that its still fun writing. Employers come and go, some waste your time as you dedicate hours writing them love letters to accept you, others put you through assessments that will drain you emotionally and physically and what's worse, they send that rejection letter.

Please, as for the potential employer, I am not just searching for a job, I want intimacy, I want something called appreciation, but most of all, I am not going to take any job just to see to it that I have a job once I am axed from sales. Even though I would have loved to be employed with a good paycheck, that is no longer the driving force to warrant it. A good paycheck does not me satisfaction. It may also mean more debts like people who earn more than I do but still come to me for petty money.

The best thing is that I have never lost hope that one day things will change. I have always thought they will do. I sometimes feel for a certain pal. There was a lady who I heard describing him saying he has a masters degree yet he is struggling doing sales with meagre pay. That a pal of this pal of mine works as a manager in a reputable organization and can afford a loan that he can only wish he could be in a situation like that. He is also tired. I asked him the reason and he said he cannot attest to any development he has achieved. I can also say so about myself. That's why I am even confused whether what I am doing is right.

But all in all, the middle class is in a hullabaloo. We pretend we are rich yet we are not. As for me, I killed those pretense by also pretending I am looking for a better life in books yet it is just a way of avoiding facing the real behemoth that is called real life. At least, I can afford to forego lunch, not buy new clothes, wait past rush hour to board a mat, occasionally buy chips and chicken when I get paid (it's the best meal I can afford to tell the body thank you for having reached thus far).

Hasta la vista baby.

PS: I did ask the first investment professional if he is into investment analysis and financial modelling, he quickly replies yes. On the prospect of me meeting him to discuss that further, he was non-committal. In fact, he never replied back to that message till today. I guess this is part of the rejection that I have learnt to tolerate while also asking for business. I bet I know what businessmen go though. Remind me who was that who was rejected 1000 times, Abraham Lincoln. That’s a worthy consolation right.

[Picture Source: Google Images.]