Fear of the podium sometimes makes me afraid of facing my woes. As much as I have been able to compose a couple of times, I still get stomach spiders when I sit down behind the screen to pen down my thoughts. I wanted to chicken out into doing this blog post because my creative juice had been punctured. Why am I even afraid yet I don't even have an audience? It's like presenting in an empty hall or the dark. Or I am in my room where I am not supposed to fear because I have no cheering squad or rival haters: the critics and the fence-sitters. But still, I feel like I don't usually get it right in terms of what I am doing. I wish I was spot on, hitting the nail on the head and addressing issues with clarity and fervor. Sometimes I feel like I suffer from some kind of fear that I don't know where it comes from.
For instance, I would have somehow faced my woes head-on, but I am still beholden to what is holding me from breaking out of my cocoon. The way individuals say that the fear is gone. That does not necessarily apply in my case because I know myself well. What I have since realized is to accept that sometimes I may be hopeful that the future will change, yet it never does. Life is never predictable. Sometimes you are a vibrant fellow, you are tough and looked upon by individuals who look at you as if you are the one who was sent to be their savior. At least, no one has ever seen me in that angle. If at all, I am this guy who is perhaps mellow and quickly develops cold feet.
I am afraid of many things. I am afraid of the dark yet I have to sleep alone most of the time. I am afraid of doing what I have never done before I love the comfort of the status quo. I even fear approaching people and getting married. Every time I think of marriage, as opposed to bliss, I see it as an obligation that will rob me of my independence and freedom. Many of my age are now happily married. Some complain while others get along with the union perfectly well. To all those who are married and in a perfect or near-perfect relationship devoid of social media brouhaha, you make the world a better place.
I love solitude because I do not have to worry about others who are doing things differently and are equally doing it better. I fear voicing my concerns and normally convince myself that at the end of the day, if I speak out nothing will ever happen as I expected and there will be no change. As a result, I tend to sit on the fence. Which is not what I am supposed to do. I should not be like others who are perfectly at home with the state of affairs even when they are not headed in the right direction. The problem with this state is that you are always afraid to do something controversial. It feels like I am too concerned about other people's feelings because I also want to be a people pleaser. Which makes me want to question myself, "What the hell is wrong with me?"
Every time that I hope that age will bring in new prospects, that is when nothing of that sort happens. Instead, what usually happens is the direction in which life takes is the one in which I have no perfect control. I am the type of person who cannot be decisive when it comes to making up my mind. As much as I am a recluse, I still love other people's company. I fall under the category of ambiverts. Just some with a better proposal and I will be in. If you call me in the middle of the night and convince me that you have my favorite drink as long as it is not a weekday, mimi huyo, I jump onto the bandwagon with so much passion.
That said, I hate kissing ass. If you expect that I will be your little minion, then that is not my cup of tea. I am highly egotistical in what I normally do. I still have a long way to go to mend that character, but what I usually tell myself is that I don't think that it matters what others think. At the end of the day, everyone is his own man.
Since I know I am the type of person who is usually afraid in some cases, I usually feel I need to work seriously on this incompetence. It is said that what you fear is what you need to do many times until you are finally able to overcome the fear with so much ease. It becomes a routine that when you look back to, you feel like 'Why was I even afraid.' Yet some of the fears I have are not those that I can be able to address with immediate effect. I still fear going to the gym, yet it is just a few meters from where I live. I have been saying I need to go there to have my body toned and stop having chicken legs but the I still dont have the courage to do so. Reminds me of the fact that the nearer the church the further the heaven.
Hasta La Vista, Baby
