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There
is a phrase that goes, ‘Life is a series trial and error’. I have made errors
and realized that even though they are times you regret; they serenely make you
stronger. That means there are moments in life you need to live a dog’s life
and think that you have wasted the master ball. Then there are those moments
when you have overcome the manly errors and people love that you have made it
and hence love your association. They never know how close you were to giving
up, they never know the sacrifices you make each day just to ensure you see to
it that your dream comes alive. There are those vain moments, those you never
want to talk about. There are those moments that you should talk about, because
society has dictated so. Society only loves successful people. As a result,
never tell it when you have down moments, just say how easy it has been.
Because that is what the regular guy wants to hear, if you talk about the
struggles, then you will create enemies, and we don’t want to be loners, we
want to be loved. We want to be in a society where we are accepted. However, when
the day comes to a close, so shall you lie. As the Swahili proverb goes.
Today,
I want to outpour my frustrations to my current bae. I don’t know if that is
the right name, nonetheless, it applies to her since I spend more time than
average intervals being worried about her, thinking about our union and the
probable rewards I will get if this union materializes. Which will take ages,
and ages. But the end of it all is that if I stick around and never give up, I
will smile all the way to the bank as opposed to being drained off and being a
sponger. I had to steal this phrase just for her and it goes. “I am sure this
is worth what I am going through. I don't want to waste this opportunity, or I
won't get another one. But this is my choice . . . so I have to choose wisely
and be decisive.”
Because
of the struggles, I have decided to write a letter to my bae. It does not mean
that I have to suffer every time I am with her. She has made me go places,
which I will continue going and see many more as time rolls. But here is the
letter.
Dear
Bae,
In
a flash of shock and dread, I did twitch awake, finding myself in the bathroom
as I had to wake up very early in the morning today where I did wash off the
slumber. I had lost sleep, because the alarm never rung. It was those wee hours
when the thief strikes. I am also from a short siesta, having got tired and
realized that I need to take a breather because all work without play is a
disaster in waiting. You know that the reason why I woke up was because of you.
You mean more to me now than ever. I don’t know whether this should be a love
message or a dirge. You will be forced to read in between the lines to figure
out.
For
the past few weeks, I have been forced to take drastic measures. It’s like a
newlywed couple. They have to forget about the bachelor days and start acting
married. They have to take time to ensure they nurture their relationship so
that they withstand those who try to rock their boat. Like those newlyweds, we
have started our journey. When we shall celebrate or tie the union is virgin. Given
that I want to finish this journey in a record time, I have been forced to
forego those that I should not have. But I have to let it move across me, seize
every movement of locking my limbs and emotions in place, long enough for it to
cleave and claim another part of my being.
You
see, I long forgot to party five months ago because of you. I stopped hitting
the bottle and even joined church. But amid all this, I have not stopped being
worried. The sole reason why I eschew liquor is because of the energy effect.
Recently at an event organised in one of the ritzy hotels in the city, I got to
know why I have to keep that energy. There is this economist who argued that
interest rates are like alcohol, you feel the impact later on after having
enjoyed. Let me be terse, I know interest rates are too academic or economic,
so I will tell the alcohol bit.
You
see, when you drink alcohol, at around midnight, you usually become super
active, dancing moves you would never pull when sane, peeing and just feeling
good and energetic. You never question where all the energy has come from. It’s
not that alcohol gives you energy, its only that you have utilized tomorrow’s
energy before its intended time. It’s also like having a given portion of food
to eat which you should divide for lunch and supper. If you consume it all at
once, you will have yourself to blame if hunger pangs take the better of you
and you have no victuals to bribe the marauding enzymes and amylases in the
digestive system. Similarly, ale has the net effect of metamorphosing into a
hangover. And what does that mean? You
will be spent the next day. And for a person like me, it could magnify because
it also means less of partaking meals resulting in losing so many hours. Which
I never want to. Now you know why I have stopped drinking liquor, right.
You
see, there are these test I have been taking to find out if I can pass the minimum
threshold to be with you. Actually, I have realized that I need to go an extra
mile, even though I am writing this letter, it highly contributes to wasting
precious time. But I am not, I am not wasting time. I am investing it because it’s
worthwhile to go back and find out where you have been because pictures cannot
give meaning illustrations like words. They may not tell that I spend more than
three hours seated patiently somewhere just to test myself if I qualify to be
with you. In that regard, I have decided to go through the torture of failing
each time. Only once have I met the minimum requirement. The rest of the time,
I have been scoring average grades. You know that it is my responsibility to
check myself if I am prepared for you or not. And it looks like I should keep
preparing. Till I succeed, I am not relenting. Rome in essence was not build in
a day. And it looks like I have to sacrifice more days and forgo luxuries in
preparing.
But
the most outstanding reasons why being in love with you is a demand is because
I have ended up forgetting about my first love- scripting. I have mused a
couple of times of the untold stories that have not penned just because I have been
betrothed to you. In soliloquy, I sometimes talk to her. Though occasionally, I
try to revive our checkered union to no avail. It’s like am now captive to you.
I don’t remember tying the knot with those small handcuffs we put on our ring
fingers in a civil or religious ceremony. Sometimes I hear her crying of
neglect, painfully and with sorrow. She looks sad and forlorn. Inside this
thing called a blog I have left her. So that people can come and check her out
and comfort her, just to give her solace. She never complains, but something
inside tells me she is hurting. She wants me back. I feel like taking her, but
those many days I have spent with you will not go down in futility. You know I
mean it. If I ever decide to get back with her……………, you I mean it. Reminds me
of that rap by G-Easy. Looking at how neglected she is, I feel sorry. Its human
to be so. Yet I have not done that which I am supposed to. And as a result, I
have decided to check her out today. Just to tell her she is not alone. That I
will take care of her in some other way.
Being
in a union with you is like being married to a nagging woman even though I have
no idea what the institution of marriage is like. I have lost touch with
reality. I no longer love that which all and sundry loves. Even taking up some
small tasks has become an issue. I am even selective in what I want to do. You
have your own demands and also require me to be like the good old husband, be
there to deliver. But you also know that I am jobless. And having read widely,
I realized that it is not easy getting a job in the industry I desire, not that
its easy anywhere else. It’s not. I have to try to be the best in the meantime.
However, frustrations and lethargy usually gets the better of me. It has even
got to that point I am a stranger to many people. Even my immediate neighbours
never see me and they wonder where I have been to. Likewise, my peeps are
sometimes forced to call me just to find out if I am doing right. Obviously, I
am fine. But its lonely. I feel like am an under achiever.
My
job, my only job is to preserve myself and I do it very well. You remember
after a small stint working I decided to relieve myself of duty. Sometimes I do
have few regrets, but materially, I feel like I have achieved that which I
could not have in the event I had stuck around. Let me hope that you’ll let me crack
the code to riches so long as I swear my loyalty, so long as I bid farewell to
the petty feel good moments that don’t last. However, what is for sure is that
you have taught me discipline. I have to stick to a rote. I have to keep
showing up and that is the essence of it all. Showing up is like what Malcolm
Gladwell authored differentiates the regular guy from the achiever. Even if I
do not get a job, I have learnt so much. That with dedication, you can be what
you want, as long as you forget what others think. Join forces with likeminded
people and forge on ahead.
I
just love the fact that you have opened some doors that I am yet to take
advantage of. I am not the zetetic type, I am no the go getter type, but I love
to continue getting better so that when I get there, when it is my time, it
will be a smooth sail. Guess my time will come and I will get there, where you
have intended me to be. In fact, I must acknowledge that I have materially
grown intellectually. I know so much yet I have no opportunity to relay back
yet I am an upright being. I love the monopoly I now have. It’s very material. Even
when I am not in a position to fend for some things, I am contented in the
short while that I am bequeathed with gem. Knowledge that is. I have also
tested the frustration of being jobless and have come to appreciate that you
have to find ways to mitigate and ameliorate.
Do
you know how many hangouts I have ceased going for even after receiving an
invite? You need to realize that I am not taking you for granted. And like a Eurobond
beneficiary, I will be there for you. Never mind that Kenyans talk about
Eurobond yet they never know what it is. That we were loaned and as such we have
to pay those bondholders at a premium is not a joke. Since we are not
investment grade and because of credit and market risk they need compensation
for loaning a third world country in form of higher coupons. And as tax payers,
we have to pay for it whether the infrastructure will come to materialize or
not. Anyway. Like I intimated, I left partaking of ale. You know ale and energy
don’t go hand in hand. Plus, there is the possibility of killing those brain
cells that I should keep safe. I know some of the decisions are not sane. Like
how can a grown up guy be committed so much that he cannot take a break to
engage with pals. Ideally, I have become a societal misfit. I don’t know if am
headed in the right direction. But ideally, I am committed to get where I want
to be. Which means I need to take a break. Even though I thought I would have
done better by writing even more. In either case.
Hasta
La Vista Baby.
[Picture
Source: My own]
